i am broken down, falling apart

all I want is to disappear.  just to not exist anymore.

i am pretty sure this is the closest i have come to suicidal thoughts in a while

don't worry though.  i would never actually kill myself.  i'm too cowardly.

plus i've thought ages and ages on ways to do it but i can't figure out a way that wouldn't hurt someone else

nothing messy because, god, think about whoever found me.  it'd probably scar them for life.  i can't do that to some innocent.  so knives are out, guns are out, overdose is out.  knives wouldn't work anyway; i can't even cut myself properly.  and overdose is not 100% certain to work.  if i kill myself, i want to fucking die.  no attempted suicide for me, thanks.

i think d would be upset if i killed myself.  i'd need to make it look like an accident.  that way no one feels guilty. you're sad for a bit because you feel you should be and then you move on.  that's how life goes.

a car accident would work.  everyone knows i am a terrible driver.  except then i run the risk of hurting others.  so i guess that's out.  i could drive into a tree but then what if i don't die?

drowning's out because i am a great swimmer and everyone knows that.  concrete weights and the lake would work too.  i could just disappear.  probably no one would ever find my body either, so there's that worry gone.  only i guess that would be pretty difficult on d as well.  which would hurt more?  having your girlfriend disappear?  or having your girlfriend die?  i think the uncertainty of the former would make it harder to move on.  not that d would have a problem with that.  he's good at moving on.  still though.  i guess it would be easier for people to have the closure of death.  an obituary in the paper and whatnot.

i could go scuba diving with the wrong mix of air.  but i'd have to get the tank filled and the guys at the dive shop wouldn't be that careless.  i guess i'd just have to stay out too long.  a little more effort, but the same result.  i could tinker with the air gauge to make it look like i had more air; everyone would just assume i'd not realized i was running out.  the only drawback to drowning is that you bloat up and that's gross.  but a wetsuit would make it less so.  i probably wouldn't scar the people who found me.  at least not too bad.  when you're wearing scuba gear you look much less human and more alien.  plus no blood or guts or anything.

i could just fucking starve to death, if my body would let me.  i'm so sick of this.

i'm being stupid and melodramatic and angsty.  sorry guys.  i really shouldn't post this because i shouldn't worry you all and anyway, i'm going to let d read this again eventually, really i am, and i don't want him to see this but i am trying to be honest and honestly i am in a really really bad place right now.

i'm not going to kill myself though.  don't worry about that.  much as i may think about it, i'd never have the guts to do it.  and i don't think i really want to die.  i want things to be easier and my brain thinks that if i weren't around they would be.  really i just want not to exist anymore.