I am at D's and I am tired.  Again.  Still.  When am I not tired?  I have purple-y spots around my eyes.  Maybe tonight I will get to sleep.

D tells me I am wonderful and beautiful and everything anyone could ever want.  Why is it not enough?  I know he's not going to make a move in his mom's house with her upstairs.  Too bad we didn't go by his apartment first.  I wore cute panties and everything.

Pffft even if we had I bet nothing would have happened.  I hate feeling like he doesn't want me.  I know it's not true.  If he didn't want me he wouldn't be with me.  We wouldn't be planning a future together.

I just want to feel sexy for once.  I know I'm fat and awkward and unattractive, but even we fatties want to be desired.  Maybe I read too many junk romances as a kid.  Maybe the real world doesn't work like that.

New therapist says I always twist things around so that I can blame myself for them.  She says everything is not my fault.

But I'm still thinking, "If only I were skinny.  If I were skinny and pretty he would want me."