Back at work & slacking.  Ooops.  Guess I'll stay late tonight, hmm?  I have to be finished with this analysis today no matter what.  I'm just having trouble getting down to business today.  Data analysis can be so fucking repetitive.  BORING.  Plus there's no one else in the office and we're out of coffee.  FAIL.

FH & I went to a friend's house for Christmas Eve dinner and I wore a shirt he likes which is just a bit too tight.  And had a little meltdown before we left.  He said things about me not being fat and blah etc.  And then he said, "Anyway, if you really do want to lose weight, and I'm not saying that you need to so stop thinking that right now, then you could."  And I said, "I know, eat less and exercise more."  And then started crying.  I don't know how to explain to him what a slippery slope that is, and how I know how easily eat less in my head turns into not eating at all, and how there is no in-between for me, there never has been.  And how I hate exercise because it makes me so aware of my body and so self-conscious.  I can't bring myself to run anymore because I feel people watching me wherever I go.  I used to be so athletic.  I used to run a 7.30 mile.  And now I can barely even jog a mile and I jiggle and bounce and EW.  I can't stand myself.  I tried to say this to him.  I don't know how much got through.  He sat me down and said, "Don't stop eating, okay?"  But I couldn't promise that to him.  I had eaten much less for the two days prior and it felt so good not to eat.  And so I couldn't promise not to restrict.  I said something silly and changed the subject and he let himself be distracted.

Of course, since then I've been eating again all the time.  I hate it.  First step: stop binging.  Break that goddamned cycle.  Fuck.

Tomorrow I've got a hair appointment.  To talk about highlights.  Blue.  My hair is dark brown.  I don't know.  I've never done anything to my hair before aside from the occasional haircut or trim.  Blue highlights is kind of a big step.  I'm not fully convinced that I want them yet.  Plus, I worry that they'll be seen as unprofessional, that they would hurt my job chances.  Except that theoretically they would be grown out by the time I start looking for proper jobs, since even if I can finish this degree on time and graduate this spring I've already got a research job lined up for the summer and possibly longer.

It's cliche, new year as new start, but I always do it anyway.  So.  2012.  One week away.  New year, new start.  Maybe this year.  Maybe this year will be the one.