I still feel sick and gross.  My stomach hates me and my body hates me and my brain hates me.  There is so much, too much, and I cannot get anything done.  My head is hazy and grey and will not think and if I could think I would be manic I can tell and I WANT that because at least when I am manic I GET SHIT DONE.

I am not sleeping enough and I am eating too much and I cannot focus on anything.  I just want to sleep.  I lay awake last night for two hours trying to force myself to sleep and nothing.  Today I am drinking an energy drink which I never do but I need something something something to keep me moving.  It's not helping much and it made my stomach hurt.  Tonight I will drink two cups of Sleepytime tea and see if that helps.

I don't have much food in my apartment.  Some oatmeal packets, some steamed cauliflower packs, some bread and soy cheese (only to be used for lunches!).  I am still afraid to go to the store.  I cannot eat.  I am too afraid.  I am afraid of eating, afraid of sleeping, afraid of working, afraid of living.  This is stupid.  Three meals a day.  I must do it.  I said I would.  I said, I said, I said.  I said I wouldn't binge either...hahaha.  Right.  Clearly I have no trouble breaking promises to myself.  Can I count my daily pills and multivitamins as breakfast?  They have calories.

I am all over the place today and I don't know what is going on in my head and I don't know what to do.  I have an appointment tomorrow with new therapist and I am oh so tempted to lie and say that everything is going well again but I shouldn't do that because then how will she help?  Only it's not helping anyway; I had three good weeks and then bloody fucking binges and too much food and too much me.  How did I do those three weeks?  I want that again because I was happy and I was not thinking quite so much about food and I could think about other things and I was so productive.