*WARNING: THERE IS A WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF TMI IN THIS POST. PRETTY MUCH ALL OF IT RELATES TO MY SEX LIFE. YOU READ IT AT YOUR OWN RISK*
I'm going to bitch for a bit now, because I need to vent to someone. You're welcome to skip it if you want though.
I love D to bits and pieces; he is sweet and wonderful and amazing, but honestly? Sometimes he really doesn't get it. He's so uncomfortable talking about sex-type stuff. AND I'm the first girl he'd ever really gone down on, and his reaction? Was that I was really salty. (TMI, I know. Sorry. It's relevant.) He still does it sometimes, when I ask, but I know he doesn't like it and so I can't enjoy it either. And I just feel repulsive and gross and unappealing.
We don't have sex because he is waiting for marriage. And he's not very good at expressing what he wants in bed. So I always end up being the aggressor which SUCKS because I can't tell if he really wants it or not. I feel like I am forcing him. I feel like a fucking RAPIST, for god’s sake! (Is that offensive? Probably. Sorry, guys.)
Please forgive me for all this personal stuff. I don't know why I am so messed up over it today. I just want to feel sexy for once. I know he loves me, and I feel loved, but I don't feel desired.
Is that so much to ask for? I want him to SHOW me I am sexy, not just tell me. Words are only words and they don’t mean all that much. Maybe that is asking a lot. I hate my body so much that it would probably take a gargantuan effort to even make me begin to think I might be considered sexy. But couldn’t he at least try?
It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even orgasm with him. (TMI again. Sorry again. I need to get this out.) Because I’m too busy worrying whether he is enjoying himself or not. Whether he’s grossed out by my body or my reactions or the way I feel or taste or whatever. I can’t relax. I mean, it’s not like I ever orgasmed readily anyway. I have a hard time even making myself come. I’m just not a very sexual person in that way, I guess. But still. I get so wound up about whether he actually wants to be touching me in that way or he is just doing it because he feels he has to that I can’t even enjoy it anymore. And I know that he feels bad that he can’t make me come. And I start to consider faking it because I am a damn good faker; I did it all the time with M so I have learned how to fake-orgasm extremely well. But I can’t do that because I promised D I wouldn’t. And what would that accomplish anyway? I guess he’d feel better about himself. But I sure wouldn’t get much out of it.
Maybe it'll change when I see him again? Maybe I'm only feeling this way because we've been apart for so long?
(And please don't tell me it's probably my body issues that are keeping me from feeling sexy. I fucking KNOW that. What I don't know is how to FIX that except lose weight which I can't do because I keep fucking BINGING all the goddamn time.)
I definitely don't think that it's your body issues. He shouldn't act like it's equivalent to ripping his hair out to go down on you. That's ridiculous. Waiting until marriage aside, if he's willing to do some things sexually, he needs to tell you and make you feel beautiful. I would talk to him about it. Tell him you don't feel sexy when he acts like he doesn't want it. Sex should be fun! I'm so sorry babe, I hope it works out.
ReplyDeleteStay beautiful and strong,
xoxo,
b.
The brain is the biggest sex organ you have...I mean. I figure, if you get into conversations that turn you both on (and I don't necessarily mean salacious or erotic talk) in the sense that your minds are fully stimulated by each other, shit will start poppin' off whether you try or not.
ReplyDeleteBut those types of conversations tend to be uninhibited and full of intimate revelatory tones. No matter what you're discussing, if there's a sense of danger, vulnerability, desire mingled with hesitation...you get something very akin to a sexual dynamic regardless of topic.
I say work on that aspect, the communication aspect, and the rest will fall into place.