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I am trembling with anticipation for tomorrow.

5 AM start to the day because boat leaves at 6 AM.  YES!!  Another boat day!  E said they got a good catch today, no target species though.  They reset the nets and I'm going out with retrieval crew tomorrow.  Sooooo all morning and early afternoon on boat!

Then therapy at 3:30, reading analysis due by 5 PM (need to read those papers tonight!), and band practice at 7 PM.  Busy busy day.

Also maybe I'll hear from D at some point?  I hope?

I'm not taking my phone on the boat; I've drowned 3 phones so far (2 on boats, 1 in flood) and I REALLY adore my current one.  So no taking chances with it.  I'm leaving it at home.  Which means that I won't get to check it until 5 pm at the earliest.  And I half-hope D calls before then and I half-hope he doesn't.  Because if he calls and I'm not there, I don't want him to think I don't care.  (Though I am sure D is more rational than that.  Still though.)  But if he calls and leaves a voice message, maybe it will give me some sort of clue about how the inevitable talk will go.  For example, if he calls me "honey" and sounds happy and ends with "love you", that would be a good sign.  If he breaks up with me via voicemail, I will be incredibly pissed.  But at least I could get the cry-ey drama out of the way before I talk to him.

It's funny how I can't imagine him actually breaking up with me yet I've somehow decided that it will happen tomorrow.  Hello, brain, are you aware that you're slipping into incoherency?

Oh, and I realized today that this is probably PMS week.  That explains the binge-urges and the water retention.  I'm not helping myself any though--tonight's dinner involves liberal use of spicy sauce, the sodium content of which is higher than any living being should intake in their life.  But it's tasty.  So I'm eating it anyway.

Keep your fingers crossed for me extra hard tomorrow.  No falling overboard, finishing my work, and staying together with D.  These are the goals.

Also.  A cephalopod-y picture for Peri.  :)

Bashful Gentleman by Meg Lyman

No class on Mondays.  Love it!  Because that means that when E wanders into my office and says, "Hey, wanna get some field work in today?" I can reply, "YES!!"

So yeah.  I spent most of my day on a boat.  Which was awesome in the extreme.  Tiny bit of chop, not too much though.  Forgot my gloves so my hands are shredded from the nets and my jacket and jeans and boots are covered in bird poop, but that is a small price to pay for a boat day!

Then I went to a seminar on econometrics, which turned out to be not at all accessible to laypersons.  Jargon jargon jargon and acronyms from literally the first slide onwards.  So I tuned out and spent the hour obsessing about thesis and D.  But there was free food afterwards (they know that we grad students don't show up unless there is food to be had).  75 cals of strawberries and grapes, yum.  Guy in my cohort (funnily enough, his name is also D.  I swear I know 12 D's at this point, and that isn't counting any other D-names) told me that it was my duty to stay and help him finish off the food, but I declined.  Was feeling a bit binge-y by that point and wasn't sure I'd be okay around food, so I just left.

Got home to find a strong smell of pot in the hallway.  Thanks to some awesome distracting pictures and a larger dinner than I had intended, vanquished the binge urge.  Why yes, I am amazing.  So today comes in at about 200 calories over plan, but whatevs.  200 cals is a drop in the bucket compared to a binge.  No binge = winning!

Thought on the D issue for the day: D is very honest and forthright (sometimes to the point of tactlessness).  So if he were planning to break up with me, wouldn't he have said so?  If he were taking this week to figure out if he wants to break up, wouldn't he have told me that?  Even though some of the things he said sounded like a cliche break-up speech, he did not say anything about breaking up.

S'pose I only need to wait one more day to find out, hmm?  I will try to be patient.

Classes tomorrow!

Aaaand that was incredibly self-pitying.  Swear I am not looking for contradictions; just needed to vent.  I have a whole list of good things about me on my wall and none of them feel true right now.

Not everything was bad today.  The massage was quite nice, in fact.  Though apparently I am physically incapable of relaxing my hips. Muscle tightness probably ingrained from long years of gymnastics.

And weight is down to just under where it was before I left for D's.  Which is very surprising but definitely welcome.

I ate soup today.  And vitamins.  Good job, Salix.

Wednesday gets closer and closer.

I tried to warn him from the very beginning that I am monstrous and damaged and not-fixable.  Maybe he's finally realizing that I was telling the truth?

I'm just a selfish, insecure, jealous, manipulative, irrational bitch.  And fucked-up in the head to boot.  I can hide it from most others, but he always sees right through me.  No wonder he's got doubts.

Really he's better off without me.

I can't get my mind off him.  I can't imagine there not being an us.

He said he loves me.  So why would he leave?

He has to know that I would be there for him.  No matter what.  All he has to do is ask me.  I want to be there.  I know he's got issues; so do I.  Maybe he is more broken than I thought.  I don't care.  I still want him.  Just him.  Issues and all.

All I need right now is talk to him.  But I can't I can't I can't.  He said he needs a week and I will not be so selfish as to not give him that.

What will I do if he throws my offer away?  What will I do if he throws me away?

It has officially been one year since I told D about my disorder.

It has officially been one year since I promised not to use laxatives anymore.  A promise which I have kept, because I do not break promises.

My stomach hurts and I am not eating today.  I wish D were here.  I wish everything could just go back to normal.  I wish I wish I wish

I keep tracing my tattoo and reminding myself that no matter what happens, things will be okay.  I will keep going and I will be okay.  Even though it doesn't feel like it right now.

I really don't want this to be over.

I'm being nice to myself.

I have a coupon for an hour-long massage, so I scheduled an appointment for Sunday.  I've never had a professional massage before.

The sun was out today and the weather was (almost) warm and the cherry trees were in blossom.  I went to the bookstore and got a new notebook for the next quarter and some pretty pens for my sketchpad, plus a write-in-the-rain book for field season.  Then I went and lay on the grass and read Huxley's Brave New World, which is one of those books that I'd always meant to read but somehow never got around to actually reading.

I felt solitary.  Still.  Peaceful.  It was lovely.

If D had been there that would have been lovely as well, but in a different way.  I imagined it--sprawled on the grass with him, reading or napping, just being together.  As we used to do back before I moved away.  I miss those days.  I watched couples walk under the cherry boughs today and wished for everything and nothing all at once.

Springtime is the most romantic season.

Ok.  Versatile Blogger time.  (Kazehana and Peri both gave it to me and they are both awesome and I love them.)

If you read this and have not yet been awarded, I thus award you.  Yes, I am taking the cheater way out.  In my defense, I do not know who has and has not gotten this yet.  Also, it is 1:30 AM my time and I have been awake and stressing a very long time now.  And am exhausted to the point of being unable to sleep.

Anyway.  7 random things which hopefully you did not know about me, although maybe you did.  In which case, *waves wand* OBLIVIATE!  There.  Now you do not know them anymore.

1.  I thought perhaps I was making progress because I have been looking in the mirror lately and finding myself almost pretty.  Unfortunately, today I was back to ugly puffy normal.  Whether this is due to lack of sleep, too much food, the D situation, or another variable is unknown.

2.  I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up in 7th grade and am still on that career path (with minor modifications).

3.  I have several grammar and spelling pet peeves, including the misuse of affect and effect, spelling definitely as definately (or even worse, defiantly; AAARRRGGH), they're/there/their, and your/you're.  I also detest Comic Sans with a fiery passion.  No less than SEVEN (yes, I counted) of the presentations at this conference used CS somewhere and it drove me fucking MAD.

4.  I am not religious.  I don't really identify as anything in particular.  If I had to classify myself, I'd say that I walk the line between agnosticism and athiesm.  At present, I don't see any convincing evidence for a god(s). However, I won't deny the possibility and, if I ever do see evidence, I will accept the presence of god(s).  My thought at the moment (which is possibly influenced by sleep-deprivation) is that the presence of a god would somewhat invalidate the sheer AMAZING-NESS of the world.  Science is SO COOL and it is mind-bogglingly incredible to think about all the natural processes necessary to create the world as we know it today.  To just say "goddidit" negates all that wonder.

5.  Sometimes I worry that I am amoral.  Or at the very least, incapable of feeling true emotion.  I have difficulty differentiating whether I "feel" something because I actually do feel it or because I think that it is what I "should" feel (e.g., what society expects me to feel).

6.  I watched the Voyage of the Dawn Treader on the plane to D's and was disappointed.  That was my favorite Narnia book when I was very young (before I caught on to the heavy Christian overtones--even though I was raised largely in the South, my parents never took me to church or taught me bible stories, etc.) mostly for the Eustace/dragon scene.  You know the one, where dragonEustace peels off the top layers of his skin but there's always more dragon skin underneath but then finally Aslan comes along and pierces through all the dragon layers with one claw, and Eustace peels it all away like you'd peel the bark off a branch?  I loved that scene.  I always fantasized about being able to do that: peel away all the layers of my skin to find the real me, the right me, the good me underneath.  I seem to recall that they use the word "slim" in the book and even then, I think the appeal to me was slightly disordered in origin.  They completely changed that in the movie.  Now it's all sand and special effects and while it is visually nice, it means nothing to me anymore.

7.  I make plans for horrible things so that I am prepared.  For example, if my mother called right now to tell me my father had died, I know exactly what I would do, down to the wording of the emails I would send to my professors.  (This situation is not incredibly unlikely; my father is currently about 2 years past his medically predicted expiration date.)  I rehearse conversations in my mind too.  They generally never leave my head, since I tend to get nervous and babble whenever I actually talk to people.  But I still do it.  Then sometimes I forget whether I have told someone something in real life or just in my imagination and that gets confusing.  I have a very vivid imagination sometimes.  I also maintain remnants of magical thinking.  I used to be paranoid about people in pictures watching me and people reading my mind.  Not too much of that anymore, but I do still have the irrational fear sometimes that I can affect events by thinking about them/picturing certain outcomes.

I guess that's a morbid/crazy note to end on, but I am so tired.  And I suspect I'm getting more nonsensical than usual.  So bedtime now.  Goodnight.

It appears I was wrong.  There is no longer a D in my phone.  We're still in a relationship on FB though.  I keep checking just to make sure.  (Which is silly, since I know very well that D would not change that without talking to me first.  He is not that type of person.)

Here are some lists and thoughts and things.  Verbatim from my notebook.  Not very good ones, since it is difficult to make lists during a conference.  Especially when you are paranoid like me and feel like people are constantly reading over your shoulder.  Very especially when some of those people are your labmates.

Thoughts on D issue:

1.  TIMING--WTF??

• visit was mostly great
• he said he felt tension (?) not on other visits (usually dissipates when we are together)--I contradicted--think may be recency bias present
• a couple tense moments revolving around food & F
• good moments far outweighed bad (in my view)

(Aside: in regards to the F issue--it is now essentially a non-issue.  I met her over lunch, we hung out a tiny bit afterwards (without D, since he had a meeting--I walked her to class and OOPS got nervous and babbled too much and accidentally told her that D had mentioned she was cute (and followed that up with, "But you ARE really cute!!").  OHMYGOD I AM SUCH AN IDIOT.  D was not pleased when I confessed later.  He said that he'd sort of expected it though.  Which almost hurts my feelings because it seems a bit of a lack of trust, but I mean it's not like anyone ever expects me to keep my mouth shut and D knows very well that I babble when I'm nervous) and then the night before I left she and D and D2 and I went for dinner and then watched a movie together with a couple other people.  It turns out that F is awesome and we actually have a whole lot in common.  We are FB friends now.  She is skinnier than me, so the disorder is still bit bothered by her.  But mostly?  She feels irrelevant now.  And I am ashamed of how I have been acting.  I have been such a bitch.  But guess what?  TOO LATE, SALIX.  TOO FUCKING LATE.  I've already fucked everything up.  I also acted poorly about her in the car after dinner on the last night, which was STUPID of me, because I wasn't really feeling badly about her.  I was feeling anxious about the radio-silence week and I also felt that D expected it of me.  So I obliged.  I know, I'm such a fucking awful girlfriend.  If I even am a girlfriend anymore.)  

• he'd thought about it ONE NIGHT
• WAY out of character for D.  Normally he thinks extensively about everything and takes a long time to consider his actions.
• so maybe it's just that this is his first stage of thinking and he doesn't want outside influence (i.e., me)
• which means that he's thinking about our relationship
• which brings us back to what is he thinking?  is he deciding whether to break up with me?  whether this is worth it?
• may be a factor of tiredness (he said that himself.  I would not trivialize his thoughts/feelings like that on my own.)
• feels somewhat like he brought it up on a whim
• maybe I am worried over nothing?
• sure as hell didn't sound like nothing (see #2)
• how much of this has to do with concurrent factors?
• he is stressed about many things: bachelor's essay, grad school, summer plans, grad school fucking grad school
• I am also stressful to deal with.
• WHY WHY WHY right before dinner with F and D2?  This timing is SO WEIRD.  Not more than 2 hours before we were chatting with 2 of my advisors and things were fine.  And I know he thought we'd have some time together after the movie.  SO WHY THEN??

2.  In his words:  (to the best of my recollection.  Note that I do not have a fantastic memory, particularly for events that occurred when I was upset.)

• he has become cynical re: relationships whereas he has always said he would rather be a hopeless romantic
• he doesn't like the day-to-day method of living he has been employing
• he doesn't know whether he's mature enough/ready for a real relationship
• he's sorry for dragging me into this
• he's still dealing with the effects of his dad's adultery
• no matter what happens, I am a beautiful, wonderful woman, a critical piece of his life
• he won't ask me to wait for him
• a week may not be enough time to figure everything out, but it will be enough time to figure out where to begin to start (I asked about this)
• grad school = new stage in life = reinvention into the person he wants to be
• his inability to make promises is unfair to me and he can see how it's hurting me (note that while his lack of commitment feeds into my insecurity, I have never asked for promises.  I will not ask him to make a promise that he can't keep.  I do not make promises either.  I pointed this out, and he said, "But you have.  You promised me that you'd stay with me unless something really drastic happened."  And yes, I guess I did say that.  But that's not really much of a promise.  That is essentially saying "I'll stay with you until I don't."  I mean, if he cheated on me, for example, I would not stay.  If I fell out of love, I would not stay.  Anyway.  That's probably largely irrelevant to the discussion at hand)
• he loves me
• this is not something that anyone can do but him (this was in response to my "I wish I could help you")
• he doesn't know whether it's just because he was tired (he lay awake for 2-3 hours the night before thinking about things because he couldn't fall asleep)
• he just felt something was "wrong"
• he said that I was taking this gracefully
• he seemed so grateful when I said I understood.  he held me so tightly.
• said we weren't breaking up (note that as far as I understand, he only meant this for that moment.  this was not a guarantee that we wouldn't break up after the week was over.  I was too scared of the answer to ask for clarification).  I said that it felt bad, that it felt like we were.  He said, "I don't know how I can hold you any tighter!"  We were cuddled on the couch and he'd wrapped his arms and legs around me from behind and snuggled his head on my neck.
• little things that shouldn't (? his words) bother him are bothering him
• he said that I needed to remember conference stuff and things that happened that week to tell him later (which sort of implies that there will be a later.  Or is that just my wishful thinking?)

3.  Tracing events backwards by day

• Monday: 
• We got up early because he has a morning class.  I walked him to class, then went to visit old profs.  Met him after class and we went back to his house for an hour so that he could do some work.  Went to lunch together with friend S (D2 was supposed to come too.  He ended up being busy, which I didn't find out until later when I checked FB and he had responded to my message).  D was super affectionate.  Hugs and snuggles and cutesy couple stuff.  S awwwed at us.  After lunch, D went back to his place to work and I went to meet up with friend H.  Hung out with her for a bit, then went to have a glass of wine with advisors.  D came too, once he got out of class (I was surprised that he did.  He'd said that maybe he would, but in that tone of voice that usually means no).  Nice chat, in which D did say that he would be visiting me at some point in the summer (though what else could he say in that context, really?).  Then we went back to his house and hung out for a little bit.  He worked, I messed about on my computer.  I nagged a tiny bit that he should come hang out with me.  Only then he did, and then we had The Talk (TM).  I cried.  We invited people to come get dinner with us.  We were downstairs with other people in the house.  D was still being affectionate.  D2 was first to arrive.  Then F.  F texted ahead to ask if D had band-aids at his house.  Turns out she had stubbed her toe and it was bleeding.  D took her upstairs to fix her up (and my stupid brain flashes to all the times he has fixed up my injuries because I am also a klutz.  Stupid brain sends me an image of D kneeling in front of F, bandaging her foot, the way he's done for me before.  I hate stupid brain). I am hit with a sudden wave of anxiety and quietly go have a mini panic attack in the kitchen.  Luckily no one notices.  I am generally very good at hiding things, from everyone except D.  But D doesn't notice either, or perhaps he just puts my red eyes and anxiety down to the talk earlier.  We go to dinner.  D sits next to me but does not touch (granted, we are at table not booth).  I discover that F and I have very similar tastes in humor and literature.  I cannot hate this girl.  I feel like we could be really good friends (though this is not likely, given that I do not live in that city anymore and thus will never have the chance for bonding activities with her.  Also, the whole D thing stresses it a bit.  Though admittedly not that much anymore).  After dinner, we go back to D's to watch a movie.  D sits next to me on the couch, keeps his arm around me.  I appreciate this.  It's midnight-thirty when movie finishes.  D2 left early.  D and I drive F home.  I'm bitchy after we drop her off--I tell D that he interacts with F differently than from everyone else and that he flirts with her more (D flirts without realizing he's doing it.  I noticed it a bit more with F, but then again, I was probably more sensitive to it too.  So I don't know whether it really was a valid observation).  I also say that I changed my mind and she is prettier than me.  Secretly I only say these things because I want D to contradict me, but he doesn't.  I can tell it annoys him.  I have no good reasons for saying this shit.  F's presence really didn't bother me much.  D put his arms around me in front of her, etc.  I'm only saying these things because I am stressed about food (I ate a lot at lunch and dinner; I'd also eaten breakfast that day) and The Talk (TM) and because I feel D expects it of me.  Terrible reasons, I know.  When we get home, I'm exhausted and I have to get up to catch my flight in 3 hours.  I'm also being melodramatically sad.  D hugs me and holds me and tells me he loves me.  I don't/can't say it back.  It hurts and I am afraid.
• Sunday:
• We'd gotten back late from the conference the night before, so D has left me his car keys so that he can sleep in (until 2 or 3, he says) and I won't be constrained to stay at his house.  Our friend who is in town for the weekend might call for lunch, so I agree not to leave until after 12, just in case.  She doesn't call, so at 12:30 I decide to go have lunch and stop by the beach with the other friend I was supposed to see.  This will, I reason, give me more time later with D.  And we've planned to have a mushy just-us evening (very laid-back.  He's going to cook dinner and we'll watch a movie together).  I text friend H and she doesn't respond immediately, but I figure I'll go ahead and drive downtown to her place to pick her up.  I leave a note under D's door saying I'll be at the beach.  I let D's mom know that A didn't call and that I'm taking D's car.  "You're going to get lunch?" she asks.  She came to ask me earlier if I wanted some breakfast and I told her I was waiting for A to call and that D and A and I were going to get lunch.  So I'm already feeling a bit defensive about food.  I tell her yes.  Later I find out that she thought I had meant I was going to get lunch with A.  Ooops.  I feel guilty for lying, even though I didn't lie.  Anyway, so I get halfway downtown and H calls.  She's sick and has schoolwork and wants to know if we can meet tomorrow instead.  I say sure.  My choices at this point: turn around and go back to D's or go to the beach alone.  I choose to go to the beach because that was one of the two things I really wanted out of this visit (the other being the mushy date with D) and I'm not sure I'll get another chance.  Plus, it's only almost 1 pm and I'll probably still get back before D gets up.  Only then I get to the beach and D calls right as I'm getting out of the car.  He asks if I want to get lunch with him and his mom.  There's some confusion about A.  I spend about 10 minutes on the beach and then head back.  (I didn't think any of that upset him at the time; was I wrong?  Did I do something bad?)  We go for Indian food.  It's pretty good.  I feel like I eat a lot.  D and I go downtown to his apartment so that he can get some schoolwork done.  It's sunny and warm out, so I take my book and go relax behind the library (D doesn't work well with distractions; he's got ADHD so I couldn't really stay in his room while he was working).  Hot boy M comes by and hangs out for a tiny bit on his study break (note that I DID NOT ASK him to do this.  It was merely coincidental, as far as I know).  Eventually it gets cloudy and breezy so I go back to D's.  He's still working and I hang out downstairs with the others, watching anime.  Later I go upstairs and cuddle up on his couch and nap for a tiny bit.  I'm tired.  We go to the store and get some dinner ingredients.  He makes spicy stir-fry (with habanero peppers!  I ate a half of one; it was delicious.  My mouth burned for ages).  I eat a lot.  All my portion and then the mushrooms and some rice off his plate after he's finished.  (Disorder goes PIG.  YOU ATE TOO MUCH.  HE WAS DISGUSTED WITH YOU.  NO WONDER HE NEEDS TO REEVALUATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  Yes, I know that is totally irrational.  I am aware.)  We watch GATTACA together and eat Twizzlers.  (Yes, both of us.  I eat one for every one of his.  I'm trying to pretend to be normal.)  We're both tired and go to bed pretty much as soon as movie is over.  I don't know it at the time, of course, but it is at this point that D cannot fall asleep and thinks a lot.  This is when The Talk (TM) idea came into being.

Shifting perspective slightly: a list of consequences of a break-up with D.

Potential Effects:

1.  Financial

• obvious benefit (no more spending money on plane tickets)

2.  Career

• uncertainty eliminated re: PhD path
• even if I do not really want to stay here for the PhD after I get my MS, I have no reason not to do so.  D was justification that I could have used if I chose not to stay; without that, I have no excuse/explanation not to continue.
• note that this might be interpreted as a good thing or a bad thing.  It takes away uncertainty (which is good), but it also takes away my choice (which is bad).

3.  Support System

• severe reduction in support
• I have intentionally reduced my direct dependence on D lately (trying to deal with issues more on my own, A) because I think that is something I need to learn to do more effectively and B) because I don't want to put excess strain on a relationship), but he remains a huge factor indirectly.  Just knowing that he is there if I need him is important in my coping abilities.
• others do not provide me this level of support.  I more often play the role of supporter (e.g., to B with his not-gf and work-related issues, to H with her schooling and unhealthy relationship issues).  I do not feel there is anyone else upon whom I can truly depend.

4.  Health

• reduction of motivation to not restrict
• would still have internal motivation not to binge, but I feel good when I restrict.  Often, the only way I manage to make myself eat something is by telling myself that D would want me to or that D would be proud of me.  This doesn't work so well with Therapist because she and I don't often talk about restriction.  I do not think she realizes how little I eat sometimes.  She is more focused on fixing the binging because that is what distresses me.
• high likelihood of increase in anxiety and depression levels
• high likelihood of lowered self-esteem and self-worth
• I am already experiencing this.  Stupid brain goes "Why am I not good enough?  I am never good enough.  D is awesome and so this must be my fault.  What did I do wrong?"

I keep getting my phone out to text D and then remembering, oops, I cannot.  I really wish I knew what is going on.  What is going on?  I am so confused and my head is so fucked up and I don't know what to do.

I talked to B about it.  He'd called and asked what was up with me lately (correct answer: I've been jetlagged and busy with this conference.  incorrect answer: bursting into tears.  Guess which one I gave?) and so the whole story came out.  B was D's friend first, but I know he hasn't got any more clue what's going on in his head than I do.  And I am certainly not going to ask him to find out anything for me; I refuse to put anyone into the middle of this mess.  I regret even mentioning it.  Also, B is many wonderful things, but he is not subtle.  At all.  And so now I worry that he will talk with D, even though I asked him not to, and D will know that I babbled and D will be upset.  He is more private about these things and prefers to deal with them on his own whereas I need to talk things out and won't get to see Therapist until next Wednesday.  Still.  I wish I had been able to control the tears and kept this one to myself and you lovelies.

Salix head = scrambled.

Kazehana gave me a Versatile Blogger award, but this post is already gigantic.  So I shall put my seven random facts into a separate post.

Conference from 8 AM to 9 PM.  Overload of information and networking.  Fairly good for not thinking too much about D.  Yay for distracting fishy information.  Very very good for not crying.  A few tears this morning in the car on the way to conference.  That was it.  Also very good for tiring out.  Passed out at 4:30 PM yesterday (unfortunate, since I missed the drinky conference social that I flew back early for...ooops) and slept until 7 AM this morning, but I am still a little jetlagged.  Or at least that is my excuse for going to bed now.

Longer post tomorrow.  Feeling more calm in the brain, especially because I have started making lists and analyzing factors and interactions.  That always helps me.  This is why I am a scientist.

Love you all.  Thank you so much for being here for me.  I am overwhelmed.

Didn't cry on the plane.  Watched Harry Potter and teared up when Dobby died.  Watched Tangled and teared up at the end when Flynn is dying and Rapunzel sings the song over him.  It was the "bring back what once was mine" line.  D is not mine anymore.

Cried on the bus ride home.  Texted D to tell him I'd got in safe.  He responded, "Thanks for letting me know.  Have fun at your conference etc".  I deleted the conversation from my phone.  Tried to delete his contact info too.  I don't want the temptation there to call him.  Phone won't let me delete him fully unless we are no longer FB friends.  Oh well.  I know his number anyway.  Deleting it from my phone won't erase my memory.

I know we are not broken up yet, but I am 97% sure that is where this is going.  He told me whatever happens, I am a beautiful, wonderful woman.  He said he wouldn't ask me to wait for him.  This sure sounds like a break-up to me.

Yesterday, before The Talk, we had a glass of wine with two of my old advisors.  One asked D whether he'd be visiting me this summer.  And he said yes.  I'm thinking back, retracing conversations, looking for any signs, any hesitations, anything.  Maybe he was just lying?  Creating a pretty fiction, like I do?

I wish I knew what is going on in his head.  I'm so confused.

I keep crying.  It won't stop.  I got hazy and started to binge but I can't.  I feel sick.

It's not like this is goodbye forever.  It is one week for him to think.  Only until next Wednesday.  Even then, it won't be goodbye forever because we are going to a friend's wedding together at the end of April.

I don't know what to do.

I have no one.  D thinks my support network is growing, since I've told more people about the ED.  But I still have no one to talk to right now.  I've considered everyone I can think of and there is nobody.

I wish D were here to hold me.

I suppose I will spend this week re-learning how to be alone.

Sitting in a tiny airport at an ungodly early hour.

D helped me get my stuff out of the car.  Hugged me.  Told me to text him when I get home safe.  Said, "I love you."

I said, "Goodbye, D," and walked away.  Didn't look back.  Didn't cry.  Still dry-eyed.  All I feel is numb.

It was frightfully dramatic.  Perhaps it comes from growing up with the theater, but I am horridly theatrical sometimes.  I used to pretend that everything I did was a performance.  I may need to resort to that technique for a while.  It's easier than to be real.  I wonder if I still have the necessary skills?

There was no line at security and I was prepared and checked in early, so I got through in about 5 minutes.  Which means I have 40 minutes of downtime before we board.

Too much time to think.

Things I am thinking:

D does not care enough to read my blog, even though I asked him to.

He wants a week of radio silence to figure out what he wants in a relationship.  I am afraid that it will not be me.

We're not breaking up.  Yet.  No FB relationship changes or anything.  Just no talking for one week while he thinks about things.  But really, does that ever end well?  I feel this is his way of easing into a break-up.  

He is pulling the “it’s not you; it’s me” card.

He is afraid he is not mature enough for a real relationship.  What has this last year and a half been?  Fake?

He says he has been unfair to me and he can see how his inability to promise me anything hurts.

He says he loves me.  And for the first time, I don’t believe him.

I feel betrayed.

I’m not sure I trust him anymore.

i'm numb.  just. numb.

i'm sorry

Ate lunch today.  About to go out to dinner with friends.

My stomach hurts so bad.  My brain is scrambled and cranky.

D is lovely though.

I get in the car and pretty much the first thing D says is, "Have you had dinner yet?"  (It's nearly midnight his time.)

"...not really"  (I can't lie to D)
"We should get you something!"
"No, I'm fine.  I had some tomato juice on the plane.  They gave me 2 packets of peanuts too, but I didn't eat them.  You know I hate nuts.  By the way, do you want 2 packets of peanuts?"  (I babble to try to distract.  It doesn't work very well.)
"...did you have lunch?"
"..."  (DAMMIT, I CAN'T LIE TO D)
"...I had tomato juice!  It was tasty!"

After he figured out how many calories are in tomato juice (answer: not many) and realized I was at about 50 calories total today, he told me I was going to eat a snack at least.  I'm freaking out in my head the whole time.  I can't eat.  Can't can't can't.  It's way too late, it's almost midnight, can't eat anything after 8 pm, that was L's rule not mine, so it is not disordered, it's just not healthy to eat late at night, I cannot have anything in my stomach when I go to bed.  Start feeling vaguely nauseous.  Can't even picture myself eating.  The process is way too complicated, way too complex.

"I'll eat tomorrow!  I promise."  (I'm already planning on eating tomorrow.  Food tomorrow is expected.  Not feeling totally okay about it, but it's at least not a surprise.  I can't handle surprise food.)

"You're damn right you'll eat tomorrow.  That doesn't mean you don't need to eat today."  (What?  Yes it does.)

I think he figured out how stressed I was, or maybe just forgot about feeding me.  Because we had cups of hot tea together and then bedtime.  I'm still up because it's still early my time, but I need to go sleep soon so that I can get up early to go to campus with D tomorrow.  (Yes, he is staying nights here with me!  One worry gone!  Not that I was really worried about that...I hadn't even thought anything of his choosing to sleep here or at apartment until therapist said something about it.  Honestly, it doesn't really bother me.  It's not like we'd be sleeping together in either case.)

Tomorrow I will eat.  I promise.

I am currently sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight!!!

(Arrived a little early so I could have some internet time...Comcast is out at my apartment and I needed to send some committee emails.)

I can't WAIT to see D and everyone else again!  I am giddy just thinking about it.  Warmth and sunshine and people who think I'm awesome...mmmm.  Love it.  :)

I'm trying not to think about the food part of the visit, because it is freaking me out hardcore.  Cannot handle.  Yesterday: soup and some nori chips.  Weight: still the fucking same.  Oh well.

I won't have to eat breakfast.  But I will have to eat lunch and dinner.  And both will (almost certainly) be at restaurants.  This stresses me out.  I like to know what I am eating EXACTLY, how it was prepared, preferably how many calories are in it.  I don't like restaurant portions; they are too big.  I don't like people watching me eat.  These things make me anxious.  I don't want people to judge what I eat or how much of it I eat.  I don't like feeling food in my stomach.  Too heavy.

I'm being very disordered lately.  But I guess at least I am not binging?  Today is Day #17.  That is a record length of non-binging for 2011.

I suppose we'll see how it goes.  Keep your fingers crossed for me!  Send calm, non-freaking-out thoughts.

I'm feeling very terrified.

Correction: today is Day #15.  I forgot to mark yesterday down on my tally.

Ate 190 cals of ginger soup.  Feeling very full and sort of bloated.  Blech.  At least I'm making progress on the take-home exam...

Weight is down to where it was just before D's visit.  It's been there for a few days now.

I'm still fat, but at least I'm not binging.

Day #14.

I am having some mild binge urges and they make me afraid to eat anything.  How ironic.

Every now and then brain realizes, "HEY.  You know that binge food you're thinking of?  Well, you could HAVE IT.  One serving of it wouldn't be a binge, calorically speaking.  You can eat WHATEVER YOU WANT as long as you watch portion size!  ANYTHING!!  Let's do that!!"  And it always feels like this great and freeing revelation.  And I am like, "Wow!  I could eat anything!  I could never binge again and still not deprive myself of any type of food!"

Only now I don't trust brain when it says this, because I know from experience that doesn't work.  If I am having binge urges, any amount of binge food--even limited to a single portion--will lead to a full-on binge.  If binge urge is strong enough, any amount of any food whether it is binge food, safe food, whatever will probably lead to a binge.

And if I'm not having binge urges, generally I don't want binge foods.  Pretty much all of my binge foods are foods that I don't even really like.  (Though I don't  know how much of that dislike is legit and how much is simply negative association.)

I'm on to your tricks, brain.  Shut up with your fake reasoning.  14 day streak of non-binging and seeing D in 2.5 days.  I am NOT binging today.

Overwhelmed with stupid work.  I swear this test isn't written in English.  No wonder Prof gave us an extra 4 days to complete it...except I don't get those, since my plane leaves Tuesday.

I really fucking hate this class.  The subject matter isn't difficult.  The prof just makes shit much harder than it has to be.

This post has been brought to you by Disjointed Thoughts, Inc.  Also Powerade Zero, the green flavor.

Fuuuuuckkk exams.  I hate them...even take-home ones like the one I'm working on today and tomorrow.

BUT!  On TUESDAY I get to fly to wonderful Southern warmth and sunshine and D!  And see all my friends back on the east coast.  For a whole week.  I can't wait.  :)

Today I ate a noodle soup (a BIG one--380 calories) and some nori chips.  So that's better than yesterday.  Today is Day #14 of no binging.

D has been texting me a LOT more than usual and I absolutely LOVE IT.  Just little things, like what he's doing etc.  I guess it's because he's at a conference and so all the stuff he's doing is not routine like it would be if he were home.  But I hope the trend continues.  His texts make me smile.

I've been thinking (when do I ever stop?  I am always overthinking everything).  It's true that I do tend to blame myself for most things and I have a bad tendency to invalidate my own feelings in favor of what others want.  I think therapist is playing antagonist against that reaction (I swear to god, it's like a litany by this point.  My feelings are valid.  I should assert myself more.  I get it.  Thanks), but I also think she's going a little overboard.  I am important, but I am not the only one in this relationship.  D is important too.

The advice is good.  I probably do need to be more assertive about what I want.  My feelings about things are valid, even if they are not always rational.  (Note that D would never intentionally invalidate my feelings.  If/when I feel that he is, I know that he does not mean to.)

Anyway.  I don't really know where the point of all this was.  Except that I am less cranky and worked up now than I was after last therapy session.

And I'm feeling better about things.  Less pessimistic, shall we say.  In reality, I have no way of predicting what will happen next week.  And let's be honest, it's not like I've asked D for any special considerations or anything.  For example, I'm not asking him to skip class for me, so why would he?  If I really needed him to, he would.  (Of course I won't ask for it.  Having D-time is important to me, but I'm not that selfish.)  I cannot realistically expect him to do anything if I haven't asked for it.  As amazing as he is, he is not a mind-reader after all.  (Sometimes I suspect he actually is...he knows me well enough that it's scary.  Then he goes and ruins the illusion by being completely wrong about something in my head.)

I asked for a beach trip and a mushy date night and he agreed to both.  So I will probably be sad if I don't get those, but I'm going to try really hard not to expect anything else.

I think I need to be more clear and honest about what I want.  It is difficult for me to be assertive.  Always has been.  Maybe it's time for that to change.

A post to counterbalance the angst of yesterday's post:

On Tuesday, D and P & H and I go hiking.  Then we go to P & H's apartment for Mardi Gras pancake supper.  I arrange myself under the blankets on the couch to re-read Neil Gaiman's American Gods, leaning up against D with my head on his chest, his arm curled around me.  We cuddle like that and relax.  Periodically he kisses the top of my head.  It is wonderful; I feel safe and loved.  Best day of his visit here, definitely.

D texts me: "Love you!"  He snuggles close to me every night, makes fun of me for being cold and complains that I am stealing his warmth but he never moves away.  When I'm undressing at night and dressing in the morning, he wolf-whistles at me.  He comes up behind me and slides his arms around my waist, kissing my neck just the way I like.  He holds his arm out for me to take when we walk together.

It's the little things that make me happy.

<3

D left today.  I ate too much for lunch after he left, but I'm not counting it as a binge because it was planned and not impulsive (I asked therapist and she agrees that I should not label it a binge).  So that makes today Day #11, barring any binging tonight.  I ate a lot while D was here and I'm not happy with the scale right now.  Oh well.

D and I did not have hardly any just-us time at all this visit.  I don't mean physical intimacy (though there wasn't much of that either--I asked and he assured me it was low appetite on his part, not low appeal on mine).  I mean time spent just the two of us.  The only time it was just us was when we were asleep.  The rest of the time we were hanging out with P & H.  I like doing that, but I wish there were more of a balance.

I try to talk and he shuts me down.  I say, "Love me?" and I hear the note of exasperation in his "I do".

He is attracted to F.  I ask what he's going to do about it and he says, "Nothing."  He points out that he has consistently chosen me thus far.  He says that if she got between us then that is a sign our relationship wasn't working anyway.  I ask how he feels about us and he says, "I just spent a lot of money on plane tickets and my entire spring break--well, free spring break--to see you.  How do you think I feel?"

I relate our conversations to therapist today and she gets angry.  "I just want to punch him!" she says (I feel this outburst is somewhat unprofessional.  I think she does too, because she rephrases: "I am feeling frustrated.").  "He always gets his way, doesn't he?" she says.  She tells me that he has no right to make me feel like this.  She says I have the right to ask for what I want and have him respect that.  I argue and tell her about how D asked me something in front of P that I wish he would have asked me alone and that later on I told him it made me uncomfortable and he said he wouldn't do it again.  See, he does respect my wants.  She says he side-steps questions (e.g., the one about how he feels) and makes me draw my own conclusions and that I deserve to have him straight-up tell me where we are and how he feels.  She says that he shouldn't be making me walk a tightrope.  She asks me what benefit I am getting from this relationship.  She says that I shouldn't be made to feel this badly.  She asks if he knows how much he is hurting me.  I don't know.

I talk about F.  I tell her that I told D again that the situation makes me uncomfortable.  I tell her that he said he wasn't going to change anything.  I feel that every time he hangs out with F, it weakens our relationship.  By not making a choice, he's making a choice.  "He wants to have his cake and eat it too," says therapist.  I tell her that I feel uncomfortable issuing an edict that D can't see F anymore.  I refuse to do that.  She asks if I have asked him not to.  I suppose I haven't directly.  But I already know he will say no.  It's not like he can avoid seeing her anyway--they have class together.

Therapist is frustrated and I am glad.  This means that I am not absolutely insane.  D tells me I am overreacting and blowing the situation out of proportion.  Therapist tells me my feelings are valid and that D is not being fair to me.

I feel guilty that therapist is thinking badly of D.  I worry that I am mis-portraying him.  I try to be as accurate as possible and I try to explain the way he thinks about things and the way he views the world.  She tells me that it really doesn't matter how he sees things, what matters is how he is making me feel.  She says he shouldn't be hurting me like this.

Therapist asks if I think F would put up with this sort of shit.  I say that I don't think she would have to deal with it--I never did, back when we first started dating.  Our "honeymoon period" was ridiculously long.  D says 3 months is his usual, but I think ours was a lot longer.  5 months, maybe even closer to 6.  Our first fight is immortalized somewhere on this blog (but I'm too lazy at the moment to look it up) and I am pretty sure it didn't happen until April.  So that would have been just over 5 months.  For that long, I was the center of his world.  Everything I did was wonderful, he adored me.  For valentine's last year, he brought me a dozen red roses.  We went swing-dancing.  We made homemade sushi together.  We were gag-worthily mushy.  F is a shiny new toy and if he started dating her, I'm sure he'd be like that with her, at least for a while.  I tell therapist all that.  And remind her that I have not yet met F, so I have no idea how she would react to anything.

Therapist thinks aloud: "This is D's last term, right?  And then grad school?"  I confirm.  She asks if he'll be out here for the summer.  I say that I really doubt it.  I've mentioned to him that he should visit, but he sort of ignores those comments and never commits.  I know that he won't stay here the whole summer.  She asks why not.  I say, "Well, he wouldn't want to waste a summer.  He's been looking at stuff like intensive language study-abroads and things."  She asks, "Why would spending a summer with you be a waste?"  I get defensive and say that I wouldn't have anywhere for him to stay anyway; I'm in a communal house and I have just a small bedroom and shared kitchen and bathrooms (I think for a moment that she is going to comment that there are lots of month-to-month leases here and that he wouldn't have to live with me, but she doesn't).  I also tell her that D believes that he can really make a difference in his field, that he has critical contributions, and that I don't want to hurt his career.  She says, "Well, how can you do that?  He's already gotten into grad school.  Maybe a summer with you means he won't learn another language, but is that more important than your relationship?"  I don't know.  Maybe it is.

I do know that D won't take a summer off just for me.  It's plausible (at least in my head) that he could be here and still be getting work done...but why would he?  He has a huge free house and free food back at his home, and I'm sure his mom would be glad to have him around for one last summer.

I wish I were important enough to him that he'd want to be here with me instead.  It's true that I won't be going back there for the summer, but that's because I have classes and field season, i.e., commitments that I cannot change.  I will be going back for a visit, and I plan on making it as long a visit as I can.

Anyway.  Back to today's therapy session.  Therapist switches tactics.  "I guess we'll see how next week goes, hm?" she says.  "You'll be meeting F, right?  How do you think that will be?"  I tell her I don't know, but that I see three options.  Option 1 (the best option): D will be adoring and physically affectionate towards me in front of F, making it very clear that we are a strong couple and that he loves me.  I will realize that F holds no attraction towards D beyond friendship.  Option 2 (the bad option): D will make no contact with me.  There will be obvious attraction between him and F.  Things will be horrifically awkward.  Option 3 (the implausible option): F and I will have a cage match over D's affections.  Therapist laughs and says, "You aren't taking your dueling sword?"  I tell her that I am fairly certain airport security would be uncomfortable with that.

(Yes, I am aware that there are gradations between those options, like F being attracted to D but D still making it clear to her that we are a couple.  Those 3 options are just the extremes.)

Aside: I have been having dreams/nightmares about meeting F.  Here they are:
1.  D and F and I are going to lunch together.  He goes to wash his hands (a habit of his) and she looks me up and down and says, "You won't be much competition."  I ask her what she is talking about and she says, "D.  I'm going to steal him from you."  I am speechless.  D chooses that moment to return and instantly F is sweet and innocent once more.  She spends the rest of the meal flirting with D and making backhanded insults towards me.  In the good version of the dream, I rise above them all and pretend to be oblivious.  Meanwhile, D realizes that she's being mean to me and tells her off for it.

2.  D and F and I are going to lunch together.  "What are you going to get?" F asks me.  "I think the grilled veggie wrap," I say.  Her eyes widen.  "Ooh, do you really think you should?  That comes with fries, doesn't it?"  I give her the benefit of a doubt.  "Yes, it's pretty tasty; why?"
"Oh well, it's just that you could stand to lose a little weight, you know.  Fries are just sooo fattening."
I'm speechless.  In the good version of the dream, D defends me, saying that he thinks I'm perfect just the way I am and then kissing me (a really good, long, passionate kiss).  He makes it clear that he's not pleased with her.

3.  D and F and I are going to lunch together.  "What are you going to get?" F asks me.  "I think the grilled veggie wrap," I say.  Her eyes widen.  "Ooh, do you really think you should?  I mean...you'll be okay with that?"  I have no idea what's going on.  "What?  Yes, that's why I am getting it.  Why wouldn't I be okay?"  She looks at me knowingly, fake-sweet.  "Oh, well, D told me about your little..."problem".  I just wanted to make sure you're comfortable.  I guess as long as you throw it up afterwards it'll be fine though, right?"
I am completely stunned.  I look at D and he looks sheepish.  I am so angry I am shaking.  D is blocking the exit from the booth.  "I think I should leave.  Let me out," I say.  D opens his mouth to say something and I growl.  "Let.  Me.  Out.  Now."  He moves and I get up.  I turn to F and say, "Not that it's any of your business, but I have never ever made myself throw up and I don't plan to start now, sugar."  I look at D, but I haven't got any words.  I can't believe he'd betray me like this.  I leave without looking back.  When I get outside, I run.  In the not-so-bad version of the dream, D chases me.  He tells me that he never actually told her, that he'd mentioned my vegan-ism and that I had some body issues once and that she'd drawn her own conclusions.  He tells me he loves me.  I don't know whether to believe him.  I can't trust him.  I am so furious I can't even look at him.  I'm packing to leave.  He begs me to stay.  I let him hold me.  He cries on my shoulder.  I've never seen him cry before.  I agree to stay for now.  I agree to give him a chance.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again.

All of these take place in a restaurant because a) I suspect that is how I actually will meet F and b) food issues.

I did not tell therapist about these dreams.  I did tell her that I anticipated the meeting would happen with us going out to lunch because D and F have class together on Tuesday and Thursday (I think) and they go out to eat afterwards.  So because I am arriving Tuesday night, I will probably meet F on Thursday.  I tell therapist that I am nervous about the meeting.  "So how will you deal with that?" she asks, "Binging?  Have you been binging recently?"  I have not.  I tell her that and I tell her that I don't think I will.  F is skinnier than I am, and so that is more of a trigger not to eat than to overeat.  Plus, binging brings my self-confidence WAYY down (and makes me all puffy and unattractive).  Not eating equals higher self-esteem and prettier Salix.  So I probably won't be eating much until after then.

(Quick aside: D just texted.  He got rejected from Berkeley.  DAMMIT.  That was the school closest to me.)

Anyway, so I told therapist all that.  I also told her that my Wednesday plans were to go visit with people and that will make me feel more confident.  "If D stays with me at his mom's place Tuesday night and I can ride with him down to campus," I say, "then I can go see old teachers and that's always fun."  She interrupts me: "Wait.  Why wouldn't D stay with you?"  I explain that D has morning classes and also has trouble getting up early in the mornings and so he might stay in his downtown apartment instead.  "Let's just make everything convenient for him, shall we?" she says, sarcastically.  "I mean, it doesn't bother me if he stays at the apartment," I say.  "It's not like we'd be sleeping together anyway in his mom's house."  I understand what she is getting at, that I am giving up something I would like (and which would be more convenient for me) in order to make things easier for him.  But D does have a hard time getting up in the mornings.  And classes are scheduled, whereas my visits to old professors aren't.  And while I would prefer to be sleeping with him in his apartment, I know that is not going to happen.  Therapist asks why not and I list the reasons: D has housemates ("Aren't they your friends?" therapist asks.  Yes, yes they are, and I am almost 100% certain that they would not mind if I stayed there.  But I do not want to impose.  I don't think therapist likes this reasoning much), D's mom would not like it and I do not want her to think any less of me, and D would definitely not allow it for a combination of reasons 1 & 2.

I'm getting tired of defending D and so I try to get back to the original subject.  "Anyway, so if D does decide to spend the night at his apartment, I could either wait for him to get done with class or I could call one of my friends and visit with them.  I'll probably call M and go have coffee with him, because I know that will make me happy."

"So you're thinking of ways to boost your self-confidence if D doesn't," therapist says.  She's being very neutral, so I can't tell if she thinks this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I think it is a good thing, because obviously I cannot depend on D to boost my self-esteem; I ought to be able to do that for myself.

We run out of time (actually, we're a bit overtime) so we set up a meeting for after spring break and she wishes me luck.  She tells me to consider my feelings and to ask for what I need.  She says I deserve to be happy.

I can't help but feel that she thinks I should end things with D.  Every time she tells me that I should ask for what I want, I respond with "But I don't know what I want!"  And I really don't.  I don't know what I need from D that would make everything okay.  Everything I want is something that he won't give me.  He's not going to curtail his seeing F.  He's not going to make me any promises or commitments.  He's probably not going to visit this summer.  And I can't tell whether my wants are reasonable or not.  I tell therapist this, and she says that it doesn't matter what D thinks, whether he thinks I am being rational or not, that whatever I feel is valid and whatever I need is reasonable.  I'm not so sure about this one...I mean, I want to have a pet dragon too, and that is obviously not a reasonable want.

But I'm anticipating how my visit there will go and comparing it to how his visit here went, and there are obvious differences.  I dropped pretty much everything to spend time with him when he came here.  I skipped my stats class 3 days in a row, and my other class once.  I highly doubt he'll skip any classes for me (though admittedly, grad classes are much easier to skip than undergrad).  I hung out with him and P & H.  He's not going to come hang out with me and my friends.  I let him choose whatever activities he wanted to do while he was here.  And even though I've asked him particularly that we go to the beach while I am there and on a mushy date, I am doubting that either of those things will actually happen (especially the second one).  And if I push too hard for them to happen, I know that I will just end up disappointed and feeling like a bitch.  I'm already planning things that I'll do on my own, because I know that D will be busy (too busy to spend his time with me).  And if I want to spend time with him, I'll just end up tagging along on his activities.  I'm guessing that he won't even skip his weekly beer & bitch sessions with the guys in his department, though he'll probably invite me too.

Maybe therapist has a point.  Maybe I should try to be more selfish.  Maybe I should start asking for what I really want.  I want to be adored.  I want to be important.  I want D to visit me this summer.  I want him to make it clear to F that he is with me, and that he is going to stay with me.  I want him to stop seeing her so often, especially at night.  I want him not to flirt with other girls.  I want him to tell me he loves me all the time.  I want him to talk to me about his thoughts and feelings.  I want him to be able to come to me with anything.  I want him to want to come to me first.  I want him to stay with me when I visit.  (I won't ask him to let me sleep with him at his apartment, even though I want to, because I do think that would be unreasonable.)  I want some one-on-one time with him.  I want him to put aside some of his other activities to spend time with me.  I'm not around often, so shouldn't my visit be special?

I wonder, if I ask for what I want, will he give it to me?  Or will it break us?

Am I being reasonable?

**This is from Monday; I didn't have internets so couldn't post it then**
3/7/11

D is here and once again I think I should be feeling more secure but I am not. 

I feel like everything I do is annoying and awkward and wrong.  I say and I do all the wrong things.

It’s not like this is an isolated incident, by any means.  I almost always feel like this.  In all situations.  I don’t know why I expected anything to be different.  Somehow I always convince myself that everything would be perfect if D were around.  Which is totally irrational.  It’s comparable to my belief that if only I were skinny that suddenly I would be beautiful and poised and smart and successful at everything I tried.

And I ate a LOT yesterday.  Lunch and dinner, Vietnamese rice noodles & spicy tofu for lunch, those leftovers for dinner.  It was a gigantic amount of food.

I cried myself to sleep last night, head pillowed on D’s chest.  I was quiet and he was unconscious from jet-lag.  So luckily he didn’t notice.  I don’t even know what I was crying for.  Everything just felt wrong.  Food and me and everything.  And I don’t think I will ever be good enough.

It does not feel good to be a failure.

And tonight D will be spending his time playing a videogame online with a friend.  I should not feel upset about this.  I should not.  It is his break, and he can spend it however he wants.  I am wishing for some just-us time, true, but it is selfish of me to expect that.  D is a social extrovert and prefers groups.  That is just how he is.  Plus, the chart on my wall that therapist gave me tells me that it is not a reflection on me or on our relationship if he elects to spend time with other people over me.

I think the reason it bothers me is just that it was the norm and not the exception in my last relationship.  For 5 years I was less important than videogames.  It’s hard to keep that automatic negative reaction at bay, but it isn’t fair to react to this issue like that because D is not anything like my ex, and I am more important than videogames to him.  Tonight is only an exception.

This visit is definitely less physical thus far than last visit.  Possibly due to D’s jet-lag.  Though admittedly I’m not feeling very appealing either.  Eating and stressing over eating has put my self-esteem down a few levels.  Feeling like I am always fucking up everything doesn’t help that either.

I always feel, in groups, that I don’t contribute positively to the group dynamic.  I feel like people would be happier if I weren’t around.  I don’t know how to fix that.

We haven’t really had any relationship conversations yet.  I have not mentioned F and neither has he.  He did say he thought we’d been doing pretty well lately.  He also said he would (barring any unforeseen circumstances) be coming to best friend L’s art show with me at the end of April.  Which indicates that he plans on us being together still then.  Of course, my high level of paranoia and insecurity tells me that “unforeseen circumstances” means “unless we break up”.  Thanks, stupid brain.  You can shut up any time.  Really.  Anyway, I asked him to clarify what he meant by unforeseen circumstances and he said, “Well you know, if I had a test or something.”  He won’t have a test…the show is on a weekend.  But whatever, I know D doesn’t like to commit to anything in general, so I won’t ask for a promise on this one.  At least not until I have to book plane tickets.

I also mentioned this blog.  He asked me if I thought it would be helpful if he read it.  I said I didn’t know.  He doesn’t seem to be interested.  The irrational part of me tells me that it is because he doesn’t care.  The rest of me tries to convince that part that he is just trying to be respectful and not pry into my head, especially because he cannot offer me the same peek into his.

In sum:

D is amazingly handsome.

I still don’t know where we are.

I’m still worried.  But then, I am always worried.  Anxiety is a constant state of being.

I feel I am a failure at everything ever and that I cannot fix it, no matter what I do.

I am eating a lot and hating it.

I am being irrational.

Countdown to D: 3 hours!!!

And I am so sleeeeeepy.  Maybe I will take a nap...

*Edited to add:  I managed to eat dinner today.  Yay me!

Car is in shop, Salix is at neighboring coffee place.  I'm too lazy to walk home (plus I inexplicably chose to wear heels today.  They are incredibly adorable, but they are not good for hiking up the hill back to my apartment).

Also, I'm more likely to get work done here than at home.  And I need to be ahead on work so that I can slack off a bit while D is here.

New favorite caloric coffee drink: soy cafe misto.  70 cals and yummy.

They have promised me that car will be done by 4 pm.  It better be.  I would be angry otherwise.  And you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Picking D up from airport tonight!!  So many things to do before then...car, work, shower (and shave my legs!!), wash bedsheets, clean room, vacuum room.  Fucking water wouldn't warm up this morning when I wanted my shower, so nothing to do but wait and try again later.  I flat-out refuse to wash my hair and shave my legs in freezing cold water.

Ok.  Enough procrastination.  Work time now.  4 more proposal reviews to read.  One essay to write.  Also some stats homework, but I can't do that today because E from the lab borrowed my stats book for the weekend.  IACUC is being a bitch about certification and he needs literature that says 30 samples is a perfectly legitimate sample size.  No, data on 10 samples would NOT be sufficient.  Do you have any idea how much of a reduction of statistical power that would be?  Ridiculous.  30 samples is the standard minimum for n.  This is common knowledge; you'd think it would already be well-established within the review board.  Apparently not.

Fuck.  Fucking fucking fucking fuck.

I paid $1800 for my car today, for all the repairs it needed to have.  That was basically my entire checking and savings.  I have to pay $600 more for it tomorrow.  I don't have $600.  I have $70 cash from dog-sitting.

I have to have the car to pick D up from the airport and to go hiking with him on Tuesday.  I called my friend B, who is a mechanic, and asked him whether I'd be okay to drive it just a little bit longer without the $600 repair.  The answer is no.  Not if I want to actually get anywhere further away than 20 miles without tearing my engine to shreds.

So I bit the bullet and called my mother.  2 hours of listening to how irresponsible I am and how I shouldn't be living on my own and she agreed to transfer some money into my checking account (my OWN money, it's just in an account which I cannot access without her signature).

I'm not irresponsible...it's just that $2400 is a fucking lot of money all at once, especially on a grad student salary.  My only monetary irresponsibility is binging.  I don't buy myself anything other than food and plane tickets.

And then I get home, and I have a letter from my grad student insurance saying that EVEN THOUGH THE SCHOOL TOLD ME MY VACCINES WERE 100% COVERED, APPARENTLY THEY ARE ACTUALLY 0% COVERED.  So I cried.  A lot.  That's another $237 I don't have.  And I can't ask my mother for help there because she is anti-vax and I would not just have to suffer through hours of lecture...I would probably be totally disowned from the family.  I'm not exaggerating.

So now what the fuck am I going to do?

I'm going to call the health center tomorrow.

And I texted D even though he is at a conference and I should not have bothered him.  And of course he didn't respond.  I shouldn't have expected a response.  But I really really wish I'd gotten one.  I guess I'll see him tomorrow night.

I shouldn't be unloading on him anyway because I need to be happy and awesome so that he loves me and doesn't feel stressed about our relationship and/or leave me for F.

I tend to get irrational and insecure when I am upset.  That previous thought is proof.

I'm going to go cry some more and then take a nyquil to put myself to sleep.

Didn't eat today.

Day #5 of no binging.

I'm contemplating whether I should show D this blog again.  I will if he asks, of course.  I already told him that.  Right now I'm trying to decide whether I should have him read it even if he doesn't ask.

On the one hand, I've been working through lots of stuff in my head since last time he read it (last Thanksgiving). I'm not generally great at communicating, and I think that letting him read this is helpful--it gives him a bit of a peek into my brain.  And lets him see things I might not otherwise think to mention.

On the other hand, I'm not sure I particularly want him to know how neurotic I have been over F.  I mean, I've mostly been pretty calm about it and I'm not really feeling that insecure or crazy for the most part...but there have definitely been instances of strong frustration and of course it is those instances that get immortalized here.  I don't tend to blog things when I feel neutral about them; what would be the point of that?

I also don't want him to know that I haven't been eating.  The past five days have looked like this:
today: cereal, soup, 1 strawberry (total approximately 250-300 cals.  I didn't finish the soup, so I don't know precisely how many.  Also, the strawberry was almost the size of my fist and it was DELICIOUS.)
yesterday: 6-inch Zombway veggie delight (total 230 cals)
Tuesday: cup of soup (total 60 cals)
Monday: packet of oatmeal (total 100 cals)

Plus however many calories in my daily multivitamin and calcium chewy pills.  (15, I think?)

I don't know why I suddenly can't bring myself to eat.  Monday and Tuesday I was feeling sick and nauseous, so that is explainable.  But freaking out just because I had to eat breakfast AND lunch today is not.  Had to have breakfast because I had to go get the updates for my vaccines and had to have lunch because on Thursdays I have lunch with H.

Maybe part of it is because I am perioding with worse cramps than usual.  I'm really just not hungry.  I start feeling sick when I think about eating.  And then I feel good for not eating, and then I feel guilty for feeling good.

But it's so nice to see the scale go down.  It's so nice to feel empty.

Not eating makes my self-esteem skyrocket.  I don't think that is how it is supposed to work.

I know that I will be eating when D gets here.  I'm kind of freaking out at the prospect.  D likes restaurants and eating with friends.  Unpredictable food stresses me out.  And of course he will notice if I am not eating.  And I know he won't like it.  He won't get angry or anything; he won't force me...but he won't be happy either.

I don't know.  Guess I'll deal with it when he gets here.  I'll eat and do my best not to freak out then.  In the meantime, I have all of tomorrow and Saturday in which I do not have to eat if I do not want to.

And maybe I'll just not let him see this unless he asks.

Good things are happening!

I made it through today, so stress levels are WAY decreased.

Today is Day #4 of no binging.

I feel randomly intensely happy.

:)

Ah ha!  Lightbulb moment: I haven't been using my sunlamp.  No wonder I am so down!

An hour of sunshine and an hour of sleepytime (except I didn't actually sleep; I just lay in the dark and focused on breathing) and I feel much better.

Still stressed over things, still too much work, still feeling a little sick...but at least mentally I am a bit brighter.

4 days until D!  :)


*Edit*

D keeps saying sweet things to me on Skype and I am having internal SQUEE attacks of mushiness.  He got wait-listed with a good chance of getting in to a great grad program and I am so happy for him!  It's not the one closest to my school (AFAIK, he hasn't heard from that one yet), but it is about 1600 miles closer to me than where he is now.  Only one day of driving instead of a day of flying.

Happy happy happy happy.  And so in love.  <3

Last night I broke down over work and cried until I shut down.  This morning I am still numb.  It's a welcome respite.

If I can just make it through tomorrow I think I will be okay.  Two major deadlines met = much less stress = better able to handle things.