3/7/11
D is here and once again I think I should be feeling more secure but I am not.
I feel like everything I do is annoying and awkward and wrong. I say and I do all the wrong things.
It’s not like this is an isolated incident, by any means. I almost always feel like this. In all situations. I don’t know why I expected anything to be different. Somehow I always convince myself that everything would be perfect if D were around. Which is totally irrational. It’s comparable to my belief that if only I were skinny that suddenly I would be beautiful and poised and smart and successful at everything I tried.
And I ate a LOT yesterday. Lunch and dinner, Vietnamese rice noodles & spicy tofu for lunch, those leftovers for dinner. It was a gigantic amount of food.
I cried myself to sleep last night, head pillowed on D’s chest. I was quiet and he was unconscious from jet-lag. So luckily he didn’t notice. I don’t even know what I was crying for. Everything just felt wrong. Food and me and everything. And I don’t think I will ever be good enough.
It does not feel good to be a failure.
And tonight D will be spending his time playing a videogame online with a friend. I should not feel upset about this. I should not. It is his break, and he can spend it however he wants. I am wishing for some just-us time, true, but it is selfish of me to expect that. D is a social extrovert and prefers groups. That is just how he is. Plus, the chart on my wall that therapist gave me tells me that it is not a reflection on me or on our relationship if he elects to spend time with other people over me.
I think the reason it bothers me is just that it was the norm and not the exception in my last relationship. For 5 years I was less important than videogames. It’s hard to keep that automatic negative reaction at bay, but it isn’t fair to react to this issue like that because D is not anything like my ex, and I am more important than videogames to him. Tonight is only an exception.
This visit is definitely less physical thus far than last visit. Possibly due to D’s jet-lag. Though admittedly I’m not feeling very appealing either. Eating and stressing over eating has put my self-esteem down a few levels. Feeling like I am always fucking up everything doesn’t help that either.
I always feel, in groups, that I don’t contribute positively to the group dynamic. I feel like people would be happier if I weren’t around. I don’t know how to fix that.
We haven’t really had any relationship conversations yet. I have not mentioned F and neither has he. He did say he thought we’d been doing pretty well lately. He also said he would (barring any unforeseen circumstances) be coming to best friend L’s art show with me at the end of April. Which indicates that he plans on us being together still then. Of course, my high level of paranoia and insecurity tells me that “unforeseen circumstances” means “unless we break up”. Thanks, stupid brain. You can shut up any time. Really. Anyway, I asked him to clarify what he meant by unforeseen circumstances and he said, “Well you know, if I had a test or something.” He won’t have a test…the show is on a weekend. But whatever, I know D doesn’t like to commit to anything in general, so I won’t ask for a promise on this one. At least not until I have to book plane tickets.
I also mentioned this blog. He asked me if I thought it would be helpful if he read it. I said I didn’t know. He doesn’t seem to be interested. The irrational part of me tells me that it is because he doesn’t care. The rest of me tries to convince that part that he is just trying to be respectful and not pry into my head, especially because he cannot offer me the same peek into his.
In sum:
D is amazingly handsome.
I still don’t know where we are.
I’m still worried. But then, I am always worried. Anxiety is a constant state of being.
I feel I am a failure at everything ever and that I cannot fix it, no matter what I do.
I am eating a lot and hating it.
I am being irrational.
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