Fuuuuuckkk exams. I hate them...even take-home ones like the one I'm working on today and tomorrow.
BUT! On TUESDAY I get to fly to wonderful Southern warmth and sunshine and D! And see all my friends back on the east coast. For a whole week. I can't wait. :)
Today I ate a noodle soup (a BIG one--380 calories) and some nori chips. So that's better than yesterday. Today is Day #14 of no binging.
D has been texting me a LOT more than usual and I absolutely LOVE IT. Just little things, like what he's doing etc. I guess it's because he's at a conference and so all the stuff he's doing is not routine like it would be if he were home. But I hope the trend continues. His texts make me smile.
I've been thinking (when do I ever stop? I am always overthinking everything). It's true that I do tend to blame myself for most things and I have a bad tendency to invalidate my own feelings in favor of what others want. I think therapist is playing antagonist against that reaction (I swear to god, it's like a litany by this point. My feelings are valid. I should assert myself more. I get it. Thanks), but I also think she's going a little overboard. I am important, but I am not the only one in this relationship. D is important too.
The advice is good. I probably do need to be more assertive about what I want. My feelings about things are valid, even if they are not always rational. (Note that D would never intentionally invalidate my feelings. If/when I feel that he is, I know that he does not mean to.)
Anyway. I don't really know where the point of all this was. Except that I am less cranky and worked up now than I was after last therapy session.
And I'm feeling better about things. Less pessimistic, shall we say. In reality, I have no way of predicting what will happen next week. And let's be honest, it's not like I've asked D for any special considerations or anything. For example, I'm not asking him to skip class for me, so why would he? If I really needed him to, he would. (Of course I won't ask for it. Having D-time is important to me, but I'm not that selfish.) I cannot realistically expect him to do anything if I haven't asked for it. As amazing as he is, he is not a mind-reader after all. (Sometimes I suspect he actually is...he knows me well enough that it's scary. Then he goes and ruins the illusion by being completely wrong about something in my head.)
I asked for a beach trip and a mushy date night and he agreed to both. So I will probably be sad if I don't get those, but I'm going to try really hard not to expect anything else.
I think I need to be more clear and honest about what I want. It is difficult for me to be assertive. Always has been. Maybe it's time for that to change.
Long-distance relationships do suck the big fat one. I was dumped 4 months into an exchange trip, so combine an inherent bad reaction with someone who is occasionally thumpworthy and there you go >.<
ReplyDeleteI still wanna train the Albatrosses just in case! :p
I envy you the holiday! Hmm, maybe you could go ramekin shopping and get souvenir ramekins from each place you go? (Imma hoarder, bite me!)
I'll cuddle Dral for you when she comes back inside. It's a warm night, so I think she'll be out prowling for a while.
Good luck with your exam <3 *Cuddles*
I realize that your insecurity stems from his being honest about his possible attraction to her. I knew he lived with 4 girls that were friends of yours, but I think that's why I used myself and B as an example.
ReplyDeleteYou read my blog. lol You know how mushy we are. If his girlfriend ever snooped through his phone after one of our epic mush-fests, I'm sure it would be misinterpreted, too. Most girls would wig out over their boyfriend texting some other girl "miss you so much, love you tons," right?
And most people would side with that girl. They'd get offended on her behalf. They'd be as suspicious as she was. They'd back her up 100%, validating her desire to assert that her boyfriend cease and desist whatever activities were making her uncomfortable.
Like the way B and I didn't get our matching tattoos when we initially planned to because his girlfriend insisted it wasn't okay with her.
See...this is the difficult thing when you're the female friend: if you aren't unattractive, people will assume your friend is attracted to you even if he isn't. And if he is attracted to you a little, then people will assume that taking action on that smidge of attraction is inevitable.
It totally leaves out the fact that you can actively choose NOT to stupidly act on an attraction you know would ruin your friendship and wouldn't lead to a lasting relationship anyway. Not all attractions are created equal and some are just vestiges of biochemical reflex.
To be insecure is natural. We all get insecure when we feel like our positions in life or our relationship status is uncertain. But the truth is that everything is uncertain all the time, and the idea of security is kind of just that: an idea. How we deal with the idea of security is our own responsibility. No one else can really make us more secure; they can sometimes avoid bringing our inherent insecurities bubbling to the surface, but that isn't the same as solving the issue.
So I guess what I was trying to point out is that if he's doing all that you ask him to do, and there is a lot of transparency/openness, then that is really as secure as a person can get.
I tend to relate to D in his refusal to make promises; promises suck. When you make promises (even if you think you can keep them), if life interferes or circumstances change, then you've made a vow that you can't pay and that's so much worse than not vowing at all and simply doing your best to live up to the standards and ideals that you've set.
Right now he's living up to the standard of being the best long-distance-boyfriend he can be, right? So I guess I feel like if you also are living up to your own standards of being the best long-distance-girlfriend you can be, then you two are doing quite well. Right?
And doing quite well is a really good thing. Right?
As for emailing me...you know you can just email me for kicks, no strings attached. hahaha I mean, I'm down to gchat if you wanna talk without revealing your real life identity. That's legit. Also, I have never googled someone's telephone number. Just so you know. ;p
If you did wanna text me, you'd be stored in my phone as Salix unless otherwise indicated.
*nods*
Aaaand I think that's all. :B