D left today.  I ate too much for lunch after he left, but I'm not counting it as a binge because it was planned and not impulsive (I asked therapist and she agrees that I should not label it a binge).  So that makes today Day #11, barring any binging tonight.  I ate a lot while D was here and I'm not happy with the scale right now.  Oh well.

D and I did not have hardly any just-us time at all this visit.  I don't mean physical intimacy (though there wasn't much of that either--I asked and he assured me it was low appetite on his part, not low appeal on mine).  I mean time spent just the two of us.  The only time it was just us was when we were asleep.  The rest of the time we were hanging out with P & H.  I like doing that, but I wish there were more of a balance.

I try to talk and he shuts me down.  I say, "Love me?" and I hear the note of exasperation in his "I do".

He is attracted to F.  I ask what he's going to do about it and he says, "Nothing."  He points out that he has consistently chosen me thus far.  He says that if she got between us then that is a sign our relationship wasn't working anyway.  I ask how he feels about us and he says, "I just spent a lot of money on plane tickets and my entire spring break--well, free spring break--to see you.  How do you think I feel?"

I relate our conversations to therapist today and she gets angry.  "I just want to punch him!" she says (I feel this outburst is somewhat unprofessional.  I think she does too, because she rephrases: "I am feeling frustrated.").  "He always gets his way, doesn't he?" she says.  She tells me that he has no right to make me feel like this.  She says I have the right to ask for what I want and have him respect that.  I argue and tell her about how D asked me something in front of P that I wish he would have asked me alone and that later on I told him it made me uncomfortable and he said he wouldn't do it again.  See, he does respect my wants.  She says he side-steps questions (e.g., the one about how he feels) and makes me draw my own conclusions and that I deserve to have him straight-up tell me where we are and how he feels.  She says that he shouldn't be making me walk a tightrope.  She asks me what benefit I am getting from this relationship.  She says that I shouldn't be made to feel this badly.  She asks if he knows how much he is hurting me.  I don't know.

I talk about F.  I tell her that I told D again that the situation makes me uncomfortable.  I tell her that he said he wasn't going to change anything.  I feel that every time he hangs out with F, it weakens our relationship.  By not making a choice, he's making a choice.  "He wants to have his cake and eat it too," says therapist.  I tell her that I feel uncomfortable issuing an edict that D can't see F anymore.  I refuse to do that.  She asks if I have asked him not to.  I suppose I haven't directly.  But I already know he will say no.  It's not like he can avoid seeing her anyway--they have class together.

Therapist is frustrated and I am glad.  This means that I am not absolutely insane.  D tells me I am overreacting and blowing the situation out of proportion.  Therapist tells me my feelings are valid and that D is not being fair to me.

I feel guilty that therapist is thinking badly of D.  I worry that I am mis-portraying him.  I try to be as accurate as possible and I try to explain the way he thinks about things and the way he views the world.  She tells me that it really doesn't matter how he sees things, what matters is how he is making me feel.  She says he shouldn't be hurting me like this.

Therapist asks if I think F would put up with this sort of shit.  I say that I don't think she would have to deal with it--I never did, back when we first started dating.  Our "honeymoon period" was ridiculously long.  D says 3 months is his usual, but I think ours was a lot longer.  5 months, maybe even closer to 6.  Our first fight is immortalized somewhere on this blog (but I'm too lazy at the moment to look it up) and I am pretty sure it didn't happen until April.  So that would have been just over 5 months.  For that long, I was the center of his world.  Everything I did was wonderful, he adored me.  For valentine's last year, he brought me a dozen red roses.  We went swing-dancing.  We made homemade sushi together.  We were gag-worthily mushy.  F is a shiny new toy and if he started dating her, I'm sure he'd be like that with her, at least for a while.  I tell therapist all that.  And remind her that I have not yet met F, so I have no idea how she would react to anything.

Therapist thinks aloud: "This is D's last term, right?  And then grad school?"  I confirm.  She asks if he'll be out here for the summer.  I say that I really doubt it.  I've mentioned to him that he should visit, but he sort of ignores those comments and never commits.  I know that he won't stay here the whole summer.  She asks why not.  I say, "Well, he wouldn't want to waste a summer.  He's been looking at stuff like intensive language study-abroads and things."  She asks, "Why would spending a summer with you be a waste?"  I get defensive and say that I wouldn't have anywhere for him to stay anyway; I'm in a communal house and I have just a small bedroom and shared kitchen and bathrooms (I think for a moment that she is going to comment that there are lots of month-to-month leases here and that he wouldn't have to live with me, but she doesn't).  I also tell her that D believes that he can really make a difference in his field, that he has critical contributions, and that I don't want to hurt his career.  She says, "Well, how can you do that?  He's already gotten into grad school.  Maybe a summer with you means he won't learn another language, but is that more important than your relationship?"  I don't know.  Maybe it is.

I do know that D won't take a summer off just for me.  It's plausible (at least in my head) that he could be here and still be getting work done...but why would he?  He has a huge free house and free food back at his home, and I'm sure his mom would be glad to have him around for one last summer.

I wish I were important enough to him that he'd want to be here with me instead.  It's true that I won't be going back there for the summer, but that's because I have classes and field season, i.e., commitments that I cannot change.  I will be going back for a visit, and I plan on making it as long a visit as I can.

Anyway.  Back to today's therapy session.  Therapist switches tactics.  "I guess we'll see how next week goes, hm?" she says.  "You'll be meeting F, right?  How do you think that will be?"  I tell her I don't know, but that I see three options.  Option 1 (the best option): D will be adoring and physically affectionate towards me in front of F, making it very clear that we are a strong couple and that he loves me.  I will realize that F holds no attraction towards D beyond friendship.  Option 2 (the bad option): D will make no contact with me.  There will be obvious attraction between him and F.  Things will be horrifically awkward.  Option 3 (the implausible option): F and I will have a cage match over D's affections.  Therapist laughs and says, "You aren't taking your dueling sword?"  I tell her that I am fairly certain airport security would be uncomfortable with that.

(Yes, I am aware that there are gradations between those options, like F being attracted to D but D still making it clear to her that we are a couple.  Those 3 options are just the extremes.)

Aside: I have been having dreams/nightmares about meeting F.  Here they are:
1.  D and F and I are going to lunch together.  He goes to wash his hands (a habit of his) and she looks me up and down and says, "You won't be much competition."  I ask her what she is talking about and she says, "D.  I'm going to steal him from you."  I am speechless.  D chooses that moment to return and instantly F is sweet and innocent once more.  She spends the rest of the meal flirting with D and making backhanded insults towards me.  In the good version of the dream, I rise above them all and pretend to be oblivious.  Meanwhile, D realizes that she's being mean to me and tells her off for it.

2.  D and F and I are going to lunch together.  "What are you going to get?" F asks me.  "I think the grilled veggie wrap," I say.  Her eyes widen.  "Ooh, do you really think you should?  That comes with fries, doesn't it?"  I give her the benefit of a doubt.  "Yes, it's pretty tasty; why?"
"Oh well, it's just that you could stand to lose a little weight, you know.  Fries are just sooo fattening."
I'm speechless.  In the good version of the dream, D defends me, saying that he thinks I'm perfect just the way I am and then kissing me (a really good, long, passionate kiss).  He makes it clear that he's not pleased with her.

3.  D and F and I are going to lunch together.  "What are you going to get?" F asks me.  "I think the grilled veggie wrap," I say.  Her eyes widen.  "Ooh, do you really think you should?  I mean...you'll be okay with that?"  I have no idea what's going on.  "What?  Yes, that's why I am getting it.  Why wouldn't I be okay?"  She looks at me knowingly, fake-sweet.  "Oh, well, D told me about your little..."problem".  I just wanted to make sure you're comfortable.  I guess as long as you throw it up afterwards it'll be fine though, right?"
I am completely stunned.  I look at D and he looks sheepish.  I am so angry I am shaking.  D is blocking the exit from the booth.  "I think I should leave.  Let me out," I say.  D opens his mouth to say something and I growl.  "Let.  Me.  Out.  Now."  He moves and I get up.  I turn to F and say, "Not that it's any of your business, but I have never ever made myself throw up and I don't plan to start now, sugar."  I look at D, but I haven't got any words.  I can't believe he'd betray me like this.  I leave without looking back.  When I get outside, I run.  In the not-so-bad version of the dream, D chases me.  He tells me that he never actually told her, that he'd mentioned my vegan-ism and that I had some body issues once and that she'd drawn her own conclusions.  He tells me he loves me.  I don't know whether to believe him.  I can't trust him.  I am so furious I can't even look at him.  I'm packing to leave.  He begs me to stay.  I let him hold me.  He cries on my shoulder.  I've never seen him cry before.  I agree to stay for now.  I agree to give him a chance.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him again.

All of these take place in a restaurant because a) I suspect that is how I actually will meet F and b) food issues.

I did not tell therapist about these dreams.  I did tell her that I anticipated the meeting would happen with us going out to lunch because D and F have class together on Tuesday and Thursday (I think) and they go out to eat afterwards.  So because I am arriving Tuesday night, I will probably meet F on Thursday.  I tell therapist that I am nervous about the meeting.  "So how will you deal with that?" she asks, "Binging?  Have you been binging recently?"  I have not.  I tell her that and I tell her that I don't think I will.  F is skinnier than I am, and so that is more of a trigger not to eat than to overeat.  Plus, binging brings my self-confidence WAYY down (and makes me all puffy and unattractive).  Not eating equals higher self-esteem and prettier Salix.  So I probably won't be eating much until after then.

(Quick aside: D just texted.  He got rejected from Berkeley.  DAMMIT.  That was the school closest to me.)

Anyway, so I told therapist all that.  I also told her that my Wednesday plans were to go visit with people and that will make me feel more confident.  "If D stays with me at his mom's place Tuesday night and I can ride with him down to campus," I say, "then I can go see old teachers and that's always fun."  She interrupts me: "Wait.  Why wouldn't D stay with you?"  I explain that D has morning classes and also has trouble getting up early in the mornings and so he might stay in his downtown apartment instead.  "Let's just make everything convenient for him, shall we?" she says, sarcastically.  "I mean, it doesn't bother me if he stays at the apartment," I say.  "It's not like we'd be sleeping together anyway in his mom's house."  I understand what she is getting at, that I am giving up something I would like (and which would be more convenient for me) in order to make things easier for him.  But D does have a hard time getting up in the mornings.  And classes are scheduled, whereas my visits to old professors aren't.  And while I would prefer to be sleeping with him in his apartment, I know that is not going to happen.  Therapist asks why not and I list the reasons: D has housemates ("Aren't they your friends?" therapist asks.  Yes, yes they are, and I am almost 100% certain that they would not mind if I stayed there.  But I do not want to impose.  I don't think therapist likes this reasoning much), D's mom would not like it and I do not want her to think any less of me, and D would definitely not allow it for a combination of reasons 1 & 2.

I'm getting tired of defending D and so I try to get back to the original subject.  "Anyway, so if D does decide to spend the night at his apartment, I could either wait for him to get done with class or I could call one of my friends and visit with them.  I'll probably call M and go have coffee with him, because I know that will make me happy."

"So you're thinking of ways to boost your self-confidence if D doesn't," therapist says.  She's being very neutral, so I can't tell if she thinks this is a good thing or a bad thing.  I think it is a good thing, because obviously I cannot depend on D to boost my self-esteem; I ought to be able to do that for myself.

We run out of time (actually, we're a bit overtime) so we set up a meeting for after spring break and she wishes me luck.  She tells me to consider my feelings and to ask for what I need.  She says I deserve to be happy.

I can't help but feel that she thinks I should end things with D.  Every time she tells me that I should ask for what I want, I respond with "But I don't know what I want!"  And I really don't.  I don't know what I need from D that would make everything okay.  Everything I want is something that he won't give me.  He's not going to curtail his seeing F.  He's not going to make me any promises or commitments.  He's probably not going to visit this summer.  And I can't tell whether my wants are reasonable or not.  I tell therapist this, and she says that it doesn't matter what D thinks, whether he thinks I am being rational or not, that whatever I feel is valid and whatever I need is reasonable.  I'm not so sure about this one...I mean, I want to have a pet dragon too, and that is obviously not a reasonable want.

But I'm anticipating how my visit there will go and comparing it to how his visit here went, and there are obvious differences.  I dropped pretty much everything to spend time with him when he came here.  I skipped my stats class 3 days in a row, and my other class once.  I highly doubt he'll skip any classes for me (though admittedly, grad classes are much easier to skip than undergrad).  I hung out with him and P & H.  He's not going to come hang out with me and my friends.  I let him choose whatever activities he wanted to do while he was here.  And even though I've asked him particularly that we go to the beach while I am there and on a mushy date, I am doubting that either of those things will actually happen (especially the second one).  And if I push too hard for them to happen, I know that I will just end up disappointed and feeling like a bitch.  I'm already planning things that I'll do on my own, because I know that D will be busy (too busy to spend his time with me).  And if I want to spend time with him, I'll just end up tagging along on his activities.  I'm guessing that he won't even skip his weekly beer & bitch sessions with the guys in his department, though he'll probably invite me too.

Maybe therapist has a point.  Maybe I should try to be more selfish.  Maybe I should start asking for what I really want.  I want to be adored.  I want to be important.  I want D to visit me this summer.  I want him to make it clear to F that he is with me, and that he is going to stay with me.  I want him to stop seeing her so often, especially at night.  I want him not to flirt with other girls.  I want him to tell me he loves me all the time.  I want him to talk to me about his thoughts and feelings.  I want him to be able to come to me with anything.  I want him to want to come to me first.  I want him to stay with me when I visit.  (I won't ask him to let me sleep with him at his apartment, even though I want to, because I do think that would be unreasonable.)  I want some one-on-one time with him.  I want him to put aside some of his other activities to spend time with me.  I'm not around often, so shouldn't my visit be special?

I wonder, if I ask for what I want, will he give it to me?  Or will it break us?

Am I being reasonable?