sorry i disappeared but i'll probably stay disappeared for a while.  just need a little more time.

love,
salix

I'm having a really really hard time getting motivated to do any work today.  So I guess that means I'll be staying up late tonight.  :/

I did some form of exercise every day except one last week and, though I haven't lost any weight, I do feel better about myself.  So let's keep that up.

*determined*

Today I am depressed and pointless.


I find it difficult to deal with rejection.  This might be something of an understatement.  It's just - there's not much that I like about myself - and it's easier to like myself if someone else does too, because then when I tell my brain to "shut up, you're being irrational/disordered", it has more of a ring of truth.  Because I know other people are more objective about me and about my body than I am.  So it's easier to fight my disorderly thoughts with someone else's judgment.  Otherwise I just feel like I'm lying to myself, because I know I don't truly believe anything I think.  I'm too irrational to accept anything from myself as true.

So this - all of this - this M and FH mess - is throwing me into a gigantic fucked-up spiral.  Because suddenly no one wants me, no one finds me attractive - for pete's sake, I can parade around with my tits out and FH has no reaction at all, not even a purely physiological one.  So now the count of who-likes-my-body/my-self has plummeted from 1.5 (1 FH, 0.5 M - because I've never been sure what's going on in M's head, and perhaps sex is sex for him and he doesn't need to like my body to have it) to 0.  I've never liked my body; I'm repulsed by my body - my begrudging acceptance of it comes only at the price of someone else being attracted to it.  Without that, I have no reason not to slip back into disorder.  (not that I ever got out anyway, really...but also not that I'll ever be strong enough to win/lose)

---

I don't understand why I can't just let this go, why I can't just be happy.

Dear dude on the bus:

I'm aware that this is a vehicular contraption with limited space and a lot of passengers.  I am also aware that you are larger than I am.  However, neither of those things gives you the right to take up all of your seat and half of mine.  I do not want your leg against mine.  I do not want to spend my 45 minute ride squished into the window.  I do not want to have to elbow you in order to get my ipod out of my pocket.  STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL SPACE.

/rage

For two days now I have gone running, and for two days I have eaten without binging.  I know that's not really a long time, but given how yucky I've been doing food/exercise-wise...yeah.  I feel good.  Gotta start somewhere, after all.  (Also I still have endorphins kicking around in my brain.)

Little more coding, then sleepy times.

:)

So I finally got up the nerve to weigh myself today...and I'm 3lbs away from my highest weight ever.  What? No.  No no no.  This will not stand.  I refuse to be that weight ever ever again.

I guess I'm not surprised.  I haven't been able to look at myself in the mirror for a while now and I've still been eating ALL THE THINGS.  But it stops now.  I have 5 months until this stupid wedding (not mine, obviously, a friend's) and I am damn well going to look nice in my dress.

I went to the gym tonight and did not binge today (though nor did I eat regular meals - oh man, here I go with the stupid all-or-nothing thinking again), so that's a pretty good start.

Other good things: I got the teaching position I applied for, so funding worries are now replaced by time worries (2 part-time jobs + the fucking thesis = WHEN DO I SLEEP??).  My boss at part-time job 1 (not the teaching one) is pleased with my work and said good things about it today.  I've hit an "I don't care" wall, so I am not stressing out as much about the thesis (I'll start panicking soon, I'm sure).

FH and I are half the time great and half the time not-great.  But it's affecting me less now, which I think is a good sign.  I feel bad for him though - I've been very hot'n'cold lately as I try and figure out what I want and how to handle the situation.

The whole M thing is still kinda bugging me.  :(

That's all.  My life is basically same old same old.

Here: haz a cute.

Considering how desperately I want to be done with all this shit, you'd think I'd be working harder.  My motivation is at an all-time low.  Feels like nothing I do matters anymore.

I just need to suck it up and write.  Of course I'm not making progress.  I'm not working, how could I be making progress?

I'm obsessed with Fiona Apple lately.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F76BU-tMI3Q

Fireworks tonight.  Happy 4th, everyone.  xoxo

So I moved back home.  Saturday.  It’s okay so far.  I still feel a little awkward.  FH & Y don’t seem to notice.  I talked to FH last Thursday and everything is up in the air with “us”.  Silly boy was apparently waiting for me to be ready to talk to him while I was waiting for him to be ready to talk to me.  I thought the note I’d left made it clear that talking was up to him, but…maybe not?  I really don’t think we communicate well.  The two serious conversations we’ve had thus far (Thursday and then again Saturday) support this hypothesis. 

From what I understand, he wants to take things slow and see where they end up.  He’s perfectly happy being “very close friends” or being more.  He views relationships on a continuum and so my efforts to distinguish friendship from more largely fail.  BUT I don’t think I’m happy living with him if we’re just going to be friends.  If we’re just going to be friends, then I think I need more time to get over him and get beyond all this shit before I can even interact with him again.  That’s what I thought, anyway.  The past few days haven’t been that bad…but maybe that’s because it’s not like we are just friends, it’s still like there’s the possibility of more there. 

The reason he backed off before was apparently (again, what I think based on what he said) that I was coming across as too “dependent”, which is a REALLY big issue for him.  FH is very very independent and would probably rather die than depend on someone else.  One of his favorite quotes is Nietzsche, "No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."  Apparently that extends to not wanting anyone else to depend on him.  And me, with my self-esteem issues etc., of course I come off as dependent.  (Also, why the hell did he never say this shit to me?  I asked him, and he says he did.  God, we really can’t communicate AT ALL, can we?  This is not even a language barrier; he’s almost completely fluent in English, only gets tripped up on idioms sometimes.)

About the lease, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  It’s really nice being back home.  I love our apartment.  I love the neighborhood.  FH & Y are great housemates, aside from the FH relationship thing.  They even do most of the cleaning (especially the bathroom and cat’s litter box, two cleaning chores I absolutely detest).  I really really really don’t want to go through the hassle of moving—packing, transport, unpacking….EW.  I have accumulated TOO MUCH STUFF to do it all in one carload (plus my car is tiny) and so I just don’t want to.  The cat would be sad to move too.  Plus it will be tough as hell to find a nice, affordable, cat-friendly place.  I have a temporary place to go if I need to—but it doesn’t allow cats.  And I won’t get rid of my kitty.

When I talked with FH, I said that I would be uncomfortable in the house, even if we were totally broken up, if he brought another girl home.  He agreed readily not to do that, actually laughed at me for worrying about it.  Of course he’s okay with me bringing another guy home (he’s always been okay with me dating other guys).  I reiterated that I wasn’t okay with him dating other girls if we were not totally broken up.  He seemed shocked that I would even think to mention it. 

I don’t know.  FH is always saying that I live in a black & white world whereas his world is a big grey blob.  But I think sometimes the entirely opposite thing.  For FH, he decided at the beginning of our relationship not to date other girls because I was not okay with it.  And so in his mind that is fixed and set and why would I think his feeling on that issue has changed?  Whereas I go, well I know you said that before, but that was when you and I were really happy together and right now we’re not and you don’t even seem attracted to me anymore, so…why wouldn’t it have changed?  FH thinks that people don’t change.  I think that people are always changing.

And FH wants to go slowly.  He says it will take time to re-evaluate the “needy” view of me (he didn’t put it that way, but that’s my interpretation).  I asked, if people don’t change, and my past actions made you think of me as dependent, then how will time help?  He’s adamant that he’s asking me not to change—I originally took all of this as him asking me to change, to become less dependent (which admittedly would be good for me and is a change that I want—I want to be more independent), and he was highly surprised that I thought that (you see what I mean about miscommunications between the two).  I don’t really know how he thinks that will work out then.  He said something about reinterpretation of my actions with the filter that I’m not dependent…but it seems to me that he’ll just come to the same conclusion (that I am) unless I change my actions to make it very clear that I am not.  But you know, all the ways in which I would change my actions to be more independent are things that would be good for me, so maybe I should do it regardless of what he’s thinking.

So my resolution at the moment is the same as always: put me first more.  If he’s going to be all indecisive and confusing—I have no time for that.  He can do whatever he wants.  I’m going to continue acting as though we’re friends.  I’m going to stop trying to include him in my activities.  I’m going to try new activities (recently I started rock climbing.  It’s fun!  Next on my list is to get back into kayaking.  Or swing dance.  Or try sailing.  …or finish my godawful thesis…).  I might even start dating.  I told FH, “You aren’t willing or maybe you’re not able to give me what I want out of a relationship.  So I need to be open to other opportunities.”

And the lease thing…I guess I’ll decide soon.

FH still won't talk to me.  M says "we can't be friends any longer" but won't give me an explanation why not.  Advisor told me that basically the work I'm doing (that he pushed me into in the first place) won't be publishable.  Which means I've essentially wasted 2 years of my life and won't be able to get into a good PhD program.  I got in a car accident.  No one was hurt (except my car).  None of the funding sources I've applied to have gotten back to me.  I don't know what I'll do if they don't soon.  I can't afford to pay tuition for next quarter.  I'm not enrolled this quarter because I couldn't afford it.  If I'm going to graduate, I have to be enrolled next quarter.  I need to make a decision about whether to renew the lease with FH & Y.  It would be stupid to do so, I know, but I'm so overwhelmed with everything that I can't even bear to think about finding a new place and moving in less than a month.  I'm moving back there this weekend; I've run out of friends' houses to crash.  And I can't afford to pay extra utilities/rent anymore.


Broken heart over FH and M.  Broken spirit over this horrible thesis.  Broken hopes of going to another school for my PhD--my only shot at a good program is to stay here and hope that they'll overlook my lack of publications because they know me.  Broken car.  At least my body's intact still.

I don't know what the hell's going on in my life.  I'm still here, but my words are lacking.

I feel like crying tonight, a lot, but I have work to do, a lot.  Caffeine pill and upbeat music to combat my exhaustion and heartbreak.  After tomorrow I can sleep.

Instead of doing my homework tonight, I went out with my friend because she said I needed to get my mind off FH.  Except it ended up being 2 couples and me and we played the boardgame I played with FH the first time I went to his house.

I feel dissociated and sad and lonely.

Also it's midnight so I should probably do this homework now.

Sometimes I really fucking miss gymnastics.  I miss my old body, I miss my old strength.  I miss being so focused on practice.  I miss maybe the thought, the idea, the feeling of gymnastics rather than the gym.  I don't miss my teammates, because I was always sort of an outcast anyway.  I do miss the sense of being home.  I have not felt that in quite some time.

One of my labmates sent me a paper with the comment, "I thought you might find this article on ED useful".  I did a double-take, then realized that he was referring to energy densities.

I'm staying at a friend's house this week, trying to give myself & FH some space.  I think things are through and that makes me sad.  But if he's not willing to work with me...what else can I do?  I've tried everything I could think of.  I cannot be the only one here putting in effort.  He needs to want to be with me, and right now he doesn't know if he wants that.  Fair enough.

My self-esteem is kind of shit right now because of all the FH drama.  I think being away from it will be good for me.  I miss my fluffy kitty though.  

I haven't decided how long I'm staying here or what to do next.  I left FH a note saying, "I think it's best if I leave for a while.  You know where to find me if you want to talk."  But I don't think he will want to talk.  I suspect that by doing this I have sort of put an end to everything.  It's sad.  I'm sad about it.

Oh well.  Shit happens.  Everything will come out in the wash.

More work to do tonight before sleep can happen.  Need to keep myself busy and ace my meetings this week.

Olga Korbut

I'm still here.  I'll catch back up eventually, I swear.  I'm behind in everything.  Less sleep, more work.  Fought with FH & now he's not speaking to me.  We're very mature.  I'm thinking seriously about moving out when our lease is up in August.

I hate grad school.

Also, the new Blogger layout sucks.

Today I overslept and that poor start carried through the rest of the day.  Class, then rush downtown to work.  7 hours at work, then back to lab and here I am now.  Got to finish these samples for processing tomorrow, then read 3 more papers (actually 5, but I'm saying "fuck it" and skipping the 2 for tomorrow's lecture.  I'll pretend to know what the prof is talking about), then finish filling in the data tabulation sheet, then...sleep?  I don't remember and my calendar isn't in front of me, so I can't be sure.  My head doesn't have enough capacity for scheduling anymore, so I stick everything on my calendar in colorful little blocks of time, 2 hours here, 3 hours there, and follow along like a little robot.  Except, of course, when I slack (like now) and get behind.

I'm suddenly on-call for fieldwork tomorrow, so there goes all that time.  My time blocks will have to shift forwards a day.  Not so much a viable solution.  I have presentations Wednesday & Friday.  The one on Friday I have not even started data analysis.

Grad school = caffeine pills washed down with coffee.

When I get home I'm going for a run.  Only about an hour more of lab work...

Ran tonight and no binge and I feel fucking fantastic.  Now 1 more hour work then sleep.

I haven't been talking about food lately.  It's not going well.  I'm binging pretty much every day and have been for a while.  I feel puffy and gross.

I'm ashamed to talk about food because I'm supposed to be recovering.  And I'm not.  I'm doing as poorly as I've ever done.  I want to just not-eat anymore.  I can't deal with food.  I'm trying to eat 3 times a day, but clearly I can't handle that.  And then I freak out and binges happen.  It's like I'm not even trying.

At least I'm running though.  That's good.  I can only bring myself to go when it gets dark--I can't handle the idea of people watching me.  And I didn't go yesterday.  I went to my friend's house and had dinner & wine.  So maybe I'll run tonight instead.  

I told Advisor that I am drowning slightly and he said I needed to learn how to say no.  Maybe so.  It's 2 pm on a Saturday and it's homework time.  I wish my laptop worked better outside because it's beautiful out today.  Spring is finally here.  I hope to hell it stays; I'm so sick of the cold & grey.

I've been out doing fieldwork and not sleeping for a week.  Sooo yeah.  Still exhausted.  Had lots of time to think though, I guess.  Not much of that thinking was productive, possibly because of the epic sleep deprivation.

Anyway, my decision for the time being is not to break things off with FH.  But also not to get my hopes up or invest anything more.  I mean, this relationship seems more and more like a friendship.  And I guess I'll roll with that.  It's not really necessary to make a big deal out of it when we're basically transitioning to just friends anyway, right?  I think it will be easier for me to just go ahead and start making my peace with us-as-friends.  So yet again my goal is to focus on me.  I'm sick of worrying over what's going on with us as a couple.  Clearly he's not fussed.  I won't be either.  I'm going to be happy, dammit.

So, things to do in pursuit of happy:
1) yoga
2) jogging.  I think I will do couch to 5k.
3) moar bubble baths

Also, less procrastination and more thesis-work, job-work, and class-work.  This will not make me happy in the near future, but it will earn me $ and get me closer to graduation (two things which are very happy).

Okay.  Now I'm going to go work on this resolution by taking a bubble bath.  :)

Today I went for a run.  Felt pretty good.  I should do that more often.

I keep having lots of thoughts but by the time I get home I'm too tired to write them out.  This is unfortunate because I think I need to.

Here's a contrast: M says always, "You're not like other girls."  (He thinks most girls are high maintenance and prissy.  I tell him he just doesn't hang out with the right kind of girls.)  FH says, "I think you are like most people."  (And he's right, of course, we're all like everyone else.  But yeah, not the most romantic thing ever.)

There's still no sexytimes/physicality going on between me & FH.  I haven't been pushing it.  I've been doing my own thing.  And nothing's changed.  Except that I don't feel as emotionally invested in the relationship.  I don't feel connected to him anymore.  I don't feel happy just by being around him.  It sucks.  I tried to bring it up today--since it's been a while now with no pushing yet no change--no tears, no nothing, totally calm...and he just shut me down immediately.  Said, "We talked about this."  I said, "Yes, but it's been a while and nothing's changed.  And it's important to me."  He said, "I don't know what you want me to say.  We talked about this already."  And that was that.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know if I can do anything anymore.

Made it.  And I bought myself a pretty.  And now I'm taking a nap.

miserable.  chest tight from caffeine & stress.  trying to breathe and stave off panic long enough to make it to Monday evening.

I WILL make it through this.  I am going to finish this analysis, and these papers, and this abstract.  And I am GOING TO FINISH THIS GODDAMN THESIS.  And then I'm taking a break.  At least for a week or so.  Longer if I can.

I just want all this to be over with.

(also, if I make through Monday, I'm totally rewarding myself with something pretty)

Maybe something pretty like this.  :)

Little more sleep = feeling a little better.  Plus got tuition & payment worked out.  So even though now apparently I'm working 40hrs a week on things which are not my thesis, at least I'm financially okay.  Sigh.  I predict massive amounts of craziness from now until...July?  August?  I'm still so tired.  After Monday I can sleep again.  I hope.

sometimes i really hate myself.  fucking hell.  no sleep tonight.

Oh wow, I think I just had a self-revelation of sorts.  Maybe minor, but small steps are good too.

I've talked about before how I have always felt that I am innately bad, undeserving, unlovable, all that shit.  I was thinking this morning (actually, I was having a conversation with myself in the mirror while pretending to talk to someone else--sounds insane, I know, but sometimes it helps.  I think it's because it forces me to verbalize my thought processes and actually listen to how they sound outside my head).  Remember how I did all those affirmations etc. with therapist?  And I made lists of things that were good about me and reasons to like myself.  And sometimes I'm actually able to say straight-up that I'm kind of awesome?  (I feel like those instances are becoming fewer, likely because I'm just so not happy with myself & my life now.)

Anyway, I'm having this conversation with myself and I get to thinking about those instances, and the thing is that even when I'm saying good things about myself, some small part of me doesn't believe them.  Like, somehow I believe that I've managed to fake all the good things about myself.  Example: one good thing about me is that I am determined.  I know people see that in me.  But I can't fully accept it as a good thing, because I feel that a lot of that determination comes from pure stubbornness and pride.  I won't allow myself to fail at things, because I'm too proud to quit.  I can do this sort of thing with all of my good traits--twist them around and look at the underlying motivations.  And my underlying motivations are always bad, to my mind.  Even things like altruism, caring about people, those things which don't really have self-serving motivations get twisted--in that I know I'm good at faking, and I also know that "fake it til you make it" is not just a cliche.  Faking it sometimes actually does become making it.  (See psych studies that show that if you smile, you actually do feel happier--your behavior influences your emotions to bring them into congruency.)

And here's the possible self-revelation (or maybe I'm just full of bullshit): one purpose behind some of my ED tendencies (particularly the restrictive ones).  I was a gymnast, remember.  Body is pretty goddamn important in that sport.  And body is one thing you cannot fake.  You can't fake strength.  You can't fake physical appearance.  Certainly there are tricks you can use to appear differently...but when you are naked in front of a mirror, or in front of someone else, or in a skin-tight leotard in front of thousands, you can't fake that.

I think perhaps I've sublimated this into a reason for restriction: because to me, restriction = control + thin (I'm sure there are other reasons behind my belief in this equation, but let's not get distracted here).  I think restriction for me is a way of proving to myself that I am strong and in control, and the outcome of restriction (weight loss) is my way of proving that to everyone else.  Because while I can fake being happy and successful, I can't fake my body.  So if my body were great, then obviously that is a good thing about myself that is actually true and that I could really believe.

All of this is, of course, completely stupid.  What would make my body "great"?  Who defines those things?  I'm sure there are people who like my body just as it is now (though I am not one of them, and actually I just realized that while I know the previous statement is logically highly likely, I don't really truly 100% believe that anyone likes my body as it is now--and if they do, I'm convinced they'd like it better were I thinner--even M, who practically spent 3 days in bed with me & TOLD me he liked my body).

Aaaaauuughhhhhhhh.  I hate my brain!  I write all this stuff out, and I can SEE that it's all wrong.  I KNOW I'm having irrational thought processes.  But somewhere inside I still believe all of those irrational things.  SO FRUSTRATING.

This is how I feel about everything right now.

Yesterday I texted M with this: "If I run away, can I hide out at your place?"

Today I'm feeling mostly better.  I'm still semi-seriously considering running away though.  The things that instigated this: yesterday morning, I found out that my advisor has not been entirely upfront regarding funding.  And there's an offer, sort of (I have an interview scheduled, advisor is treating it as a sure thing)...but this offer?  Doesn't even cover half my tuition.  Let alone a stipend for rent, living costs, etc.  

I mean, classes start next week and I still don't know who's paying my tuition.  Fuck if I'm going to pay >$8000 out of pocket!  According to my contract, I still have 2 quarters guaranteed RA-ship, which advisor is responsible for.  The school doesn't even recognize the offer I'm interviewing for as an RA-ship...because it's an hourly position.  And since they doesn't recognize it as an RA-ship, they won't cover my tuition or even waive the out-of-state fees.

Also, my daddy apparently went to the ER with uncontrollable bleeding (don't ask).  He's okay now though.

I cried a lot yesterday.

And then I had a talk with advisor (in which he said he'd figure something out, and when I asked "What if we can't get tuition covered?" responded that we would cross that bridge when we got to it.  I told him that we were kind of at that bridge already).  Advisor says all I need to do is do well in this interview.  And apply for state residency (school technically won't recognize my residency, because I'm a full-time student, but the admin office told me that they sometimes let grad students slide).  If I can get them to class me as a resident and give me in-state tuition, that cuts my tuition costs in half.

Worst case scenario is that I will have to take a leave of absence.  Which depends on me beasting the interview on Monday.  Or finding a job.  I can't afford to go without at least some sort of income. 

This whole situation is total bullshit.  Advisor told me, has been telling me all along, not to worry about funding.  Really?  I think I should have been worrying.

My mother's comment is, "Great!  You can move back home!"  I almost hung up on her.

So yes.  I don't really want to take a leave of absence...but I think it's going to happen.  I don't trust my advisor to find the $$ for tuition.  O me of little faith.  (But somewhat deservedly so.)

This has been an extremely self-absorbed and whiny rant.  So here's a link to my favorite fluffy happy video for you.  But be careful when watching it--this video has lethal amounts of CUTE.  

Back in the land of cold and rain.  I'm tired.  Haven't slept much the past few nights.  I'm going to finish prepping these 18 samples for tomorrow and then I'm going HOME.  And vegging out/napping for an hour.  And then...UGH have to get this horrible presentation ready.  DON'T WANNA.  But I need to talk to advisor tomorrow, and I want to have something ready to show...

blahhhhh

Tomorrow the family.  Oh boy.

M's gone--left me in his apartment.  Kinda weird to stay here by myself, but super nice of him to let me.  I'm taping little notes around the place for fun ("NOM CAFFEINE" on the coffee-maker, "I'm sexy and I know it" in a speech bubble on the mirror, positioned high enough so it will look like he's saying it, "[Salix] slept (and didn't sleep) here" with lipstick print on the bedside table).  I still love that he postponed his trip just for me.  And yeah.  We totally fucked.  And it was fun.  (Plus a nice little self-confidence boost.)

The first couple days with M were completely awesome.  We walked around the city, ordered in and watched a movie and cuddled, talked, had lots of sex, etc.  I told him about FH and complained about thesis.  He told me he hadn't slept with anyone since me last summer and showed me videos of his "studying" (his work requires some acting skill, so he practices in front of the camera.  It's completely and totally hilarious).

Then we had a little fight the night before he left (at freaking 6am the next day).  Not so fun--I've never fought with him before.  You know how I poke at things a lot?  Like, I have a hard time letting go of things that bother me or things that make me curious?  (I think that trait is one of the main reasons I am a scientist.)  It's sort of compulsive for me.  Yeah, M is like that too.  He pushes people (metaphorically), just to see how they react.  And so we'd had a little wine (I was just a tiny bit drunk--oops), and eventually we went to bed and we were just messing about and talking...and he started pushing.  I was being insecure and lame, and he pushed at it, and I don't know--I was drunk and got upset.  We were both at fault--he shouldn't have pushed me so far, but then again, I did overreact a bit.  Anyway, I got cranky.  And (I think he intended this as an apology) he said, "You know how it's hard for me to talk about personal stuff?  Well, here's a personal thing.  When I care about people, I push them away. I don't know why."  And ohhh then I made a boo-boo.  I was upset, you know?  And the first thing I thought was that he was trying to manipulate me--imply that he cared about me just to see how I reacted, to make fun of me (like, oh, haha, you really believed I cared about you).  Which, now that I am calm and remembering it, is really really obviously not what he intended.  But in that moment, in my upset, drunken, insecure state...clear thinking wasn't happening.  And yes, I'm aware that my past experiences with emotional abuse were totally clouding my judgment.  (Also my insecurity.)  But oh dear, my reaction.  So bad.  I just completely tossed his personal admission aside.  I said, "Nooo, really??  Yeah, that's not news.  It's kind of obvious."  So yes.  Then we were both upset.

The next morning, as he was leaving, he said, "I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have pushed you.  People do stupid things.  I do a lot of stupid things."  And I hugged him and said I was sorry for being stupid too.  So I think we are okay.

But I didn't realize until later how I had just completely disregarded his personal fact.  And I know it is really difficult for him to open up to people.  So I feel quite badly about that.  I'm going to leave another note apologizing for it and thanking him for telling me.  I'm going to say that I'm honored he chose to share with me.

Okay, enough about M.  He's a good friend and a great fuck, but I'm even more convinced that we'd never work together.

I'm coming back here again this winter.  A friend is getting married, and apparently I'm invited to the wedding.  This friend is someone I met through D, and when the friend mentioned my invite the other day, he also mentioned that D wasn't invited.  "Are you sure?" I said, "I mean, D is one of your best friends.  Really, don't let me keep you from inviting him!  I'm totally fine if he's there; it's not a big deal at all."  And friend said, "No, we want to keep the wedding really small.  The guest list is capped off already, and we decided we would rather have you there than D."  And then friend's fiancee chimed in, "Yeah, I like you better than D anyway."

I mean WOW.  Way to make a girl feel special.  (And slightly guilty.)

I've felt pretty special this whole trip.  It's nice to come back; everyone's been so sweet and excited to see me.  I think I've only paid for one lunch and one dinner this entire week (even M kept paying for me.  I told him to stop it and he told me to quit being silly).  Old advisor took me to lunch yesterday and had me over to dinner today.  And I got to play trucks with his baby who is not such a baby anymore but who is completely and totally adorable and gave me kisses when I left.  Awwwww.  I love kids.  I don't ever want to have any of my own, but I do love other people's kids.

The only bad part of this trip?  I haven't gotten ANY work done.  I wrote up one shitty abstract.  That's it.  Ooops.  I'll be paying for that soon...next week is going to be so horribly awfully overwhelming.

Ah well.  It was worth it.

Next to face the family tomorrow.  My mother will be my mother, as always, and my father...well, I'm trying to prepare but no matter how much I do, his appearance will still shock me.  Somehow every time I visit he looks worse.  Mom says he can barely walk with the walker now.

I just need to keep it together long enough to get back to the west coast.  I'll cry when I get back home, when FH is there to hold me.

I'm feeling happy.  And I just ate a cookie without overly stressing about it.  Life's good.  :)

Okay, NOW I'm fucking excited about going home.  Flight out is tomorrow!  I'm not excited about spending the entire day on a plane, but ohhhh it will be worth it to be in the sun again.

M is such a fucking sweetheart.  I told him I was freaking the fuck out over my thesis (I was...more on that in a minute), and he said, "Yeah, life can get overwhelming at times.  But when you get here, I'm going to make sure your life is fun, chilled, and completely relaxed.  And you can have all the hugs you want."  Awww.  :)

And now the bad news: 1) officially no longer graduating at beginning of summer, now hoping for end of summer (which is good and bad, depending on how you look at it) and 2) I spoke to my mother today and my dad's not doing well.  So I guess it's good that I'm going home now so that I can see him...but oh god I hate seeing him like this.  The sad doesn't get less sad with repetition.

I'm taking lots of work home with me.  Goal: to write a lot of words.  Coherent words.  Hopefully publishable words.  Blahhhhh.

P.S.  Sorry, Peri, no pictures of cute clothing right now.  Maybe someday when I like my body.  Or maybe when I get proper lighting in my closet.

Retail therapy is awesome.  I bought myself a nice new bra to replace the one that got destroyed in the wash last month.  And they had a buy-one-get-one-75% off sale, so I got a max-support sports bra as well.  It remains to be seen whether "max-support" can stand up to the ungodly power of my boobs.  Also 2 pairs of cheap cute underthings.  :)  And then I randomly found an adorable top that would be perfect for this conference I'm going to next month.  And it was 50% off.  So I bought it.  Now I have a total of 2.5 conference/presentation-worthy tops.  (The 0.5 is a sweater thing that FH got me which, depending on the rest of the outfit, can be casual or dressy-casual.)

I feel pretty good today.  Now I'm going to have lunch and snuggle with FH for movie-time.

I'm insane again.  This trip home is fucking with my head.  And I'm trying to be DONE with thesis-analysis-stuff by the end of next week, before I leave, so that all I have left is writing writing writing.  I'm not sure this goal is humanly possible.  Lately I feel like it's all take one step forward, slide three steps back.

Over the past week, my caffeine consumption has skyrocketed.  And my food consumption has dropped.  Like, a lot.  Partly due to upset stomach (too much caffeine+anxiety); mostly due to anticipatory stress about the trip home.  Where I'll probably end up binging because that's what happens when I go home & interact with my mother.  :(

The other thing about going home (and probably the reason I'm not as upset about my very low caloric intake as I ought to be) is...well, it's kind of messed up.  Don't judge, okay?  I need to vent about this.

I'm going to see Hot Boy M again.  In fact, he's offered me to stay at his place again.  Double in fact, he was planning on being out of town--until I told him that I was going to be in town.  And then he post-poned his trip.  Yeah.

So I don't really know what's going to happen with that.  I suspect (hope?) we'll end up sleeping together again.  I'm not opposed to this...I just don't know if that's what he wants/intends to happen.  I suppose why wouldn't he?  We did before.  It was fun.  It's uncomplicated because we both know it's not going to go any further.  (There's no way we'd ever end up dating, even if we did live in the same place.)

(A note here: FH is totally okay with me sleeping with & even dating other people.  I wouldn't consider it at all if he weren't okay with it.  Though I don't think I could handle dating more than one person...and I don't really want to fuck anybody but him (and occasionally M).  It feels a little unfair, because I'm not okay with FH sleeping with/dating other people.  He assures me he's fine with that.  This is something I've been wondering about--are some people just naturally more inclined towards open relationships/polyamory than others?  I don't know.  In my case of not-being-okay, I think it's mostly to do with my low self-esteem and jealous tendencies.  Things which I don't so much like about myself, but which are difficult & slow to change.  And no, FH and I still haven't had sex/any sort of sexual intimacy.  7 weeks now.  Sad panda, but trying really hard not to push the issue.  He's stressed this week anyway; huge milestone in his work coming up next week.  I'm hoping after that things will magically improve.  And I think my week away will be good for both of us.)

Anyway, M is super-hot and fit.  Meanwhile, I'm a bit heavier than last time he saw me, with a little more kitty pouch (thanks, Kazehana, for that phrase; I LOVE IT and I'm going to use it forever).  And my face is all broken out from blah stress.  I'm just a total mess lately.  And for some reason (probably because he's so fit), I've got myself convinced that M isn't attracted to heavy girls.  (My brain apparently chooses to completely disregard the fact that last time I saw him I was not skinny by any means, and he was obviously still attracted to me then.)  So yeah.  That + my uncertainty over what's going on there is another motive for restriction.  We all know I am completely and utterly horrible at dealing with uncertainty.  And my entire life is uncertain right now (thesis, graduation, FH, M, jobs, father's failing health, freaking everything).

Maybe I'm overthinking it.  Maybe we won't sleep together and then all this worrying over my body and my lack of self-confidence will have been pointless.  It isn't that I'm feeling guilty or uncertain about sleeping with him.  I think my anxiety is more of the "What if he doesn't want me?" variety.  With all the recent rejection from FH, I doubt my capability to handle much more.  Would I be using M as an ego boost of sorts?  Yeah, kinda.  It'd be nice to feel desirable again.

Last time I saw M (last June), I was in such a different place.  Do you remember?  Things were just beginning with FH, and I was still a bit head-fucked over D, but I was so strangely not-anxious during that visit.  I ate not too little and not too much and actually sort of enjoyed food.  I felt okay in my body.  I had fun with M, and I felt pretty self-confident.  It would be wonderful if this trip were like that too.  Obviously the thesis-stress won't go away...but keep your fingers crossed for lowered body/food anxiety.  It'd be so nice.

(I may or may not be focusing unduly on M in order to avoid thinking/stressing about seeing my family again.  Le sigh.)

Dammit, body, why can't you be thin and gorgeous?  And double dammit, brain, why can't you be normal about food?  (And possibly just learn to accept the damn body as it is?)

Did yoga, feel better.  Now to buy plane tickets.

Love you all beyond measure.  Thank you for being here for me & big hugs to you!

Valentine's Octopus by Meg Lyman

I hate everything.  I want to ragetearkilldestroyscream at the top of my lungs.

I'm supposed to go home next month.  Haven't bought tickets yet.  Haven't made any arrangements.

I want to get out of here, but I don't want to go.  There's too much yet to be done & I don't think I can finish it all in the next few weeks.  Especially when all I want to do is run away and disappear.

I cried last night until 4am and woke up at 7:03am for school.  Though I couldn't actually make myself get out of bed until 8:30am.

I'm tired.  I have to be sociable today & help out with our departmental event & have drinks & network & be nice to people when really I just want to tear their throats out.  Good thing I'm excellent at faking happy.  I'm so tired.

I didn't make it in to the lab today until 10am.  Because I slept until 8:45.  My alarm went off at 7:03.  Ooops.  And I'm still tired.  Ugh.  At least there's yoga tonight, so I won't make myself stay here late.  That's nice.

This is weird, but does anyone else cycle very rapidly between manic & tired?  By rapidly, I mean every 20-30 mins or so.  So far it doesn't seem to be correlated with food or caffeine intake.  Possible correlation with movement--by which I mean, moving around seems to up my energy levels and when I sit still I feel exhausted again.  Hmm.  Maybe I should schedule movement breaks when in the lab.

I'm exhausted.  I'm always exhausted lately.

FH & I talked.  It was a very long talk.  And I feel better about some things and not-so-better about others.

The sex thing.  He made this distinction: that he doesn't not-want me, he just doesn't want sex.  Which I don't really understand.  Sex is fun, it feels good, we were having awesome sex before, so why wouldn't he want it?  And he said, "It's like, sometimes you really want a food that you love.  But sometimes you'd prefer to eat something else.  It isn't that you don't like that food anymore, just that you're not in the mood for it."  (I derived some mild amusement from this choice of analogy--of course he didn't think about the irony of discussing eating & emotions about food with a disordered person.)
Anyway, there's not really that much I can do about this.  If he doesn't want sex, we won't have sex.  It still bothers me that he doesn't seem to be turned on by my body anymore.  I don't think that will stop bothering me anytime soon.  But it helps mildly to remember that it isn't ME specifically he's rejecting; it's sex itself.

His take on relationships is thus: relationships aren't for satisfying one emotionally.  Relationships are above & beyond that.  So each person is good on their own, and together they are better.  Which yes, theoretically I agree with.  It's in practice that this doesn't work as well for me.  I depend a lot on other people for my happiness.  And that's scary.  Which is why secretly I want someone to depend on me as well.  In lovely, horrible co-dependence.  (If I ever actually had a relationship like this, I think I would absolutely hate it.)  But my self-esteem isn't enough for me to be happy on my own.  YET.  Maybe someday I'll get there...

We talked about compromises vs. sacrifices and the consensus is that compromise is good and necessary but not so for sacrifice.  He got upset when I said that sometimes I do things I don't really want to because I think he'd like it.  Said that, yes, sometimes you have to do things you don't really like, so for example we share dish-washing & chores etc.  But also he likes horror movies which I can't handle, so he would never ask me to watch one with him.  And he wouldn't like it if I did watch one with him just because he wanted me to.  I still don't really see the problem with doing things because it will make other people happy.  Altruism is never truly altruistic; you always derive some good feeling from doing something for someone else.  But while FH was talking, I realized that one of my thoughts is that sacrifice shows you care--that I'm looking for sacrifice on his part as a demonstration of his care.  I really don't like that I've been doing that!  And all of a sudden his complaint that I am always demanding demonstration of care and forcing choices made sense.  I never thought I did those things; I thought he was over-reacting or reading too much into my words.  But now I see what he's saying.  So that's something I need to be aware of in the future.  Because I wouldn't want to be treated that way.

I said at one point, somewhat petulantly, "I want you to love me."  And he made a joke, but in essence he said, "I need you to define love for me before I can love you."  Which is a tough one, right?  What is love?  And so I listed some things, e.g. enjoying the other person's company.  And each of them he said he does.  So essentially what I get from this is that he loves me but he won't call it love.  I don't know why not; what harm is calling what we've got "love"?  But I guess he doesn't verbalize affection much anyway, so it doesn't really matter what he calls it and what I call it.

One other big thing is my negativity.  I tend to see the bad side of things (especially lately because I'm all depressed & shit).  So good things like him randomly buying me a joke narwhal toy (Unicorn of the Sea!) the other day or cooking me special veggie dinners etc. get set aside in favor of focusing on bad things like him not waiting for me to walk home together one day last week (in fairness, he did need to get home to finish an assignment that was due that night & I couldn't leave the lab for another 1.5 hrs). The good things do outweigh the not-so-good.  Definitely.  I just need to realize that & force myself to consider both good & bad before I get all upset.  Then if the bad is outweighing the good, I can totally get upset.  But if it isn't...well.  That's kind of a problem with perspective on my part, isn't it?

I mean, the sex thing still feels kind of big & bad.  But I suspect (privately, no way will I admit this to FH) that it being such a big issue for me is kind of an issue in itself.  Why do I depend so much on sexy-times for my self-esteem & confidence?  I would rather be able to provide myself with those things.  I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex for a little confidence boost, but that's just it--a boost.  It seems like instead of having confidence of my own & just needing a boost sometimes, I have been using sex as the basis for confidence.  And I don't like this.  I know this tendency is exacerbated because of the depressive-ness & weight of late.  But that isn't really an excuse for me to not work on it.  The other reasons that I like sex are that it makes me feel closer to the other person & that it relieves stress (which I have a lot of at the moment).  But I think the confidence/self-esteem aspect outweighs everything else.  I mean, I react very strongly--probably overly strongly--to even just the merest hint of rejection.  While I do wish FH & I were having sex more frequently, it really shouldn't be up to him to determine my self-esteem.

Anyway, the consensus outcome is that I will try to be more positive in my outlook.  And FH will try to communicate better and not give me the silent treatment.

And the private outcome is that I am going to practice putting myself first.  I'm going to try to be like FH--do only what I want and not do things I don't want (within reason & allowing for compromises).

In other news, I love my yoga class.  It's awesome & it makes me feel good.  I have a plan for February & that makes me feel more in control.  I hate my thesis and I hate my advisor right now, but let's not talk about that.

I wish I could remember & believe this all the time.

Another FH whine.  Other things first: meeting went surprisingly okay.  Program works now except for the last tiny part.  Much relief.

The backstory here is that I had another fight with FH yesterday, because I am pushing about the talk that we need to have and he doesn't want to talk about anything.  And by fight I mean I got upset and then he got upset and I went and cried in the bath.  When he gets upset he just closes everything off.  I've been enduring what's basically the silent treatment all day today.  I am very bad at dealing with the silent treatment.  I prefer to talk issues over and sort them out.  He prefers not to talk when he's angry (and lately apparently not to talk about anything important at all).  But then at dinner things seemed okay.  So of course I pushed my luck later (because I am stupid and I can never resist the urge to poke at things).

Me:  Can we have sex?
FH:  Mmm?
Me:  Well, we haven't in a while.  And I want to.  I want you.
FH:  Mmm.
Me:  Is that an mmm yes or an mmm no?
FH:  No.
Me:  Why not?
FH:  Because.
Me:  Okay.  Will you talk to me then?
FH:  No.
Me:  Why not?
FH:  Because.
Me:  Okay.
(And I pull away.  I'm not going to cry over this again, dammit.  But I can't let it go there--I never stop when I should.)  
Me:  Don't you want to date me anymore?
FH:  Yes.
Me:  Is that a yes, you do want to date me or a yes, you don't?
FH:  Yes, I do.
Me:  Then I need you to talk to me!  Or write me a letter or something!  I know it's difficult for you.  But if we don't talk about stuff, nothing will ever get better.
(By this point I'm close to tears, so I leave.)


He's promised we'll talk.  But I don't know when.  I asked.  He said, "When I want to."  I asked when that would be.  "I don't know."  I said, "What about what I want?"  No answer.  "It doesn't matter, does it?  It doesn't matter what I want."  No answer.  (This is what I mean by the fucking silent treatment.)

I swear to god, it's like pulling teeth.  Is this man worth all the trouble?  He's wonderful in every single goddamn other way.  The only issues are this whole won't-talk-things-over and silent treatment bit and the sex thing.  And, I mean, those are kind of big issues.  It's been 3 weeks now of no sex, no play, no overtures, nothing.  I feel kind of weird letting that bother me so much (the southern girl in me thinks I shouldn't want sex, that it isn't "proper" for a girl.  Fuck off, southern-girl-brain).  But it does bother me.  I like sex.  And FH and I used to have amazing sex.

The thing about FH is that his entire life-view is very cynical and what I would call selfish.  He does what he wants to do, when he wants to do it.  If he doesn't want to do something, he won't do it.  I mean, he's not an utter asshole or anything.  Just, I guess, from my point of view, a bit self-centered.  I think this also comes from being so cynical.  Once he told me, "This world is shit and I know it's shit and you know it's shit.  So why think about later?  Do things to be happy now.  Don't waste time doing boring things or things you don't want to do."

But here's where that falls apart: if he cares about me, shouldn't he want to do things that make me happy?  Shouldn't making me happy make him happy?  I'm forever doing things for other people that I wouldn't have done otherwise.  Sometimes I do things I hate because I know it will make someone happy.  FH thinks its because I can't say no.  But I can say no.  I do things like that because I care about the people I do them for.  And I don't think there's anything wrong with that.  I mean, yeah, of course you need to take care of yourself too, and I am notoriously bad at putting myself first (case in point, here I am fretting over FH when I could be doing something else to make me happy), but I just don't get why anyone wouldn't do stuff like that.  It's easy and it feels good to make someone I care about happy.

Taking this to the logical conclusion leads me to think that FH doesn't care that much about me or my happiness.  I have told him that I'm miserable lately and he doesn't respond.  Yesterday during the fight (just before I hid in the bath), I said, "It doesn't matter.  I don't matter.  You've made that abundantly clear.  I don't matter to you.  Or at least not as much as you matter."

I think I hurt his feelings with that one.

I called him selfish once before.  I don't like being mean like that.  I felt bad as soon as I said it.  We were talking about sex.  I said something like the paragraph above: how his worldview was essentially selfish and why doesn't he want to do something that will make me happy?  He got really mad.  "You're saying you want me to have sex with you when I don't want to?"  Well, of course not!  I don't want him to have sex with me just so I can have sex.  I want him to WANT TO have sex with me.

And he doesn't.

I can't get a physical response from him, at least as far as I can tell.  Not even when we shower together.

I don't know what changed.

I don't want to fight with him.  I don't want to break up.  It would be messy and very complicated especially since we live together.  And I really like him.  Up until a few months ago, this relationship was completely awesome.  It's still awesome, except when I push on the subjects of sex or talking seriously.  But I can't not push.  These are important things.  I can't just ignore them.

I don't know what to do.

Yesterday I was in the lab for 16 hours (not including transit times, etc.  Actually, physically, in the lab).  Today I'm spending the night here.

I have been crying on & off for two days straight.  I look horrible.

Okay, off to do more stupid horrible work.

(edit: I'm crying over my stupid program.  Not FH or food or anything else.  Just this godforsaken program which WON'T FUCKING WORK and therefore I have NO RESULTS for my progress meeting this week.  FUCK.)

This is going to be a whiny post.  So first I will do a Fun Time Activity (TM) from Kazehana.  Then the whiny/depressed Salix part at the end for easy skippage.

1. Your first car: What was it's name, color, make and model and what's one good story about something ridiculous that happened in it? (e.g. my first car was named Pablo, burgundy '78 vw bug. once swerved up a hill and ran over a neighbor's lawn while driving high in a hail storm.)

My first car was a white '88 station wagon.  I called it White Trash.  One time I was parked and a deer charged my front door.  He bounced off, dazed and confused, and ran away into the woods.  Totally bizarre.

2. Who was your first best friend and how did you get rid of them (or if you got dumped, how did they give you the shaft)? I'm talking grade school, people...I want the playground dirt.

Hmmm...my first best friend was this cute little girl called Courtney (I think?  My memory's hazy & we moved around a lot when I was a kid).  This was before grade school, actually; I guess I was around 4.  We "broke up" when my family moved away.

3. Once upon a time there was a world with no television; if you lived then, what the fuck would you have done to entertain yourself instead of hanging out in front of the tube?

What I do now!  Books.  :D  I grew up without a TV, so not really a big deal for me.

4. What's the most vivid dream you've had in the past week?

I don't remember any...I know.  I'm totally lame.  In my defense, I haven't gotten all that much sleep lately.

5. A Wookie, a Jawa and an Ewok steal a TIE fighter. Where the hell are they going?!

For fro-yo, OF COURSE!

6. Revenge or PRE-venge?

Revenge.  I don't have time to preemptively mess with people.  :P



Okay, whiny time.

I'm so sick of snow.  UGH.  Make it stop.  It was fucking icy as hell when I went to the office yesterday.  Also I think I'm coming down with a cold.

FH and I haven't had sex in forever.  We used to have sexy times nearly every day, and sex has always been awesome with him.  Now we're having sex maybe once every other week if I'm lucky and I feel like he's not enjoying it as much...I feel like he's only doing it to make me happy.  Which sucks.  I want him to have sex with me because he wants to & because he enjoys it.  It also sucks because I'm fat lately and my self-esteem is pretty much down to absolute zero.  Yeah, I'm running at -273 degrees C.  (/nerd)  Soooo I end up worrying that he's not attracted to me anymore & that everything is my fault, which makes me miserable.

I've talked about it with him.  He says he still likes me, he still finds me attractive, blah blah blah.  And I should note that it isn't like he's become more distant in any other way.  He still hugs me & such.  Just nothing sexual.  He says I worry too much and I should "stop worrying about unimportant things".  And that he just hasn't been feeling like sex lately.  He also thinks that I use sex as validation too much, that I'm doing it just to "feel pretty".

And he's probably mostly right.  (Except I don't have sex just to feel pretty.  I admit that having someone desire me is a confidence booster, but I really just enjoy having sex with him.  It's fun!)  But dood, I don't handle rejection well.  Especially when I have no internal self-confidence.  And it is really really really hard to tell myself that I am desirable when he doesn't even get aroused around me anymore.  Seriously.  I can wander around completely naked--I can SHOWER WITH HIM, for pete's sake--and no physical response from him at all.

So yeah.  I don't know what to do, at this point.  I can't keep being visibly upset about it or that'll probably turn him off even more.  Insecurity is not sexy.  And I can't really do anything about him.  So all I can do is work on myself.  I need to make a new plan.  I like plans.  They make me feel better.  More organized.

I guess y'all can tell I've been pretty miserable lately.  I kind of hate life.  I'm back to wishing I could just hide in the covers and sleep forever.  I'm back to thinking about pills and knives and blood and drowning in the bathtub.  Not good things.  My body disgusts me.  I'm not at my highest weight ever, but I'm darned close.  I'm having a hard time focusing on anything because I feel so overwhelmed.  Not good, since this is critical thesis time.  I am unhappy and I don't feel like I will ever be happy again.  I'm also withdrawing (with the excuse of too much work, which actually is true, but withdrawing still isn't good--because I feel less connected to everyone, I feel I have no one to talk to, I feel I have less support).  I barely talk to anyone on fb anymore and I've basically stopped responding to texts.  It's too much effort.

Can anyone say depression?  Wheee such fun.  I'd wear a silver ribbon.  (Google The Bloggess silver ribbon if you don't get the reference.  Then go read her blog because it's amazing.  You're welcome.)

Anyway, the long & short of it is: I'm feeling shit.  And I think a lot of it has to do with my unhappiness with my body & eating habits, and also my lack of coping mechanisms.

So I'm regressing slightly into bad coping mechanisms.  (By which I mean restriction.)  Just for a little while.  Just until I feel ready to deal again.  I know it's not the strongest/healthiest decision...but right now I think it's the best I can do.  Because I'm terrified of continuing this way.  Each day suicide seems more and more like an option and that really really scares me.

I'm also in this yoga class, so maybe that will help.  I'm slightly ashamed to admit it, but I was a bit sore after the first day.  I'm in horrible shape.  I'm the fattest in the class.  This makes it much harder for me to actually go--I have to fight back shame each time--but I paid for it, so gosh darn if I won't go to every single damned session.

Okay, whine over.  Hopefully this cold will pass soon, some weight will disappear, and I will start to feel better about myself.

Beauty is pain.  Apparently.

My latest foray into this has involved cold showers and epilation.  I "got my hair did", as the folks in my hometown would say.  It involved dye, so now I am taking only cold showers (and warm showers with a shower cap) in the hopes of not messing with the color too much.

I'm also completely sick of shaving and never have time to do it, plus disposable razors are annoying.  So I bought myself an epilator...which basically is a bunch of motorized tweezers.  OUCH.  It leaves my legs so nice & smooth though.  I bought some OTC numbing spray; perhaps that will help.

Thesis is still...BLAH...in the best of terms.  But I begin to be hopeful again.  For a while it almost looked like I was going to have to completely re-do my second chapter (like, new dataset, everything).  Now it just looks like a few analysis revisions and I'll be okay.  So I'm about a month behind on my timeline, but not more than that (I hope!).

FH and I are going to watch a movie now.  And I'm going to get slightly tipsy on wine.   :D

BAD THINGS have happened with my thesis.  D:

And I made New Year's resolutions and promptly did not stick to any of them.

Maybe next week will be better.