I am always such a disappointment to myself. Always a failure.
I hate eating. I'm ok when I don't eat, but as soon as I have a bite of food, I lose control.
I think part of the problem is that I don't WANT to be fucked up. I don't WANT to be sick or disordered. I want to be able to eat like everyone else does and to be able to enjoy eating and not worry constantly over my freakishly horrendous body. But obviously I can't do that. I either starve or binge. There's no happy medium. I don't purge; I've never been able to make myself puke, though I've tried it, and I've used laxies a few times, but I'm scared of developing a dependence, so I don't do that anymore either. Plus, now that I have to share a bathroom again, I'm paranoid about anyone finding out. I know laxatives don't actually help much anyway--I used them not to negate the binge, but to get the empty stomach feeling back.
I don't understand how people can just EAT without obsessing over each bite. I mean, I understand the mindless eating when in binge mode--boy, do I ever understand that--but how do people eat 3 normal meals a day without thinking about anything more than what they're in the mood for?
It's a foreign concept.
I'm reading through your archive (which explains posting on such an old post), but I'm very interested in this concept - why some people can put so very little thought into their food choices and for others it is their most drastic, anxiety-filled decisions of the day.
ReplyDeleteIf you have any more recent thoughts about this, I would love to hear them :)