The scale is being forgiving today.  Not nice, but forgiving.  There is a difference.

D didn't make me eat last night (though he guilted me about it).  He made me a cup of tea with just a little bit of honey.  Acceptable.

Later, I cried and told him that I knew how we would end.  Eventually I'm going to have to tell him everything.  I don't know if I can.  I'll probably show him this instead.  I know I'll never be able to make the words come out of my mouth.  I'll never be able to vocalize this of my own volition.

But I have to do it.  I can't go away and not.  I can't sustain a long-term relationship with him that's filled with this lie, the way I did with M.  The way I do with my family.  The way I do with everyone else around me.  I respect him too much.  I care for him too much.  I'm so sick of lying to him.

I know that some of you have boys/husbands (congrats, Sairs!) who know about your food issues and who are still with you anyway...but I really don't think that will happen in this case.  I can't ask him to handle that, especially on top of long-distance.  I am not his responsibility, this is not something he should have to deal with.

I'm so torn.  I don't want to tell him.  Half of me is whispering "You don't have to tell him.  You can go away and lose more and finally reach your GW and be happy and won't he be surprised when you finally get to see him again (assuming we can sustain long-distance).  He will love you so much more when you are pretty.  He doesn't need to know; you are leaving soon anyway, so he won't see any of your disorder.  And after you hit GW, you can recover!  And then you'll be normal when you see him.  He'll never need to know anything."

And that's so tempting.  But I know it's not realistic.  It's been 8 years of disorder.  How can I expect to fix myself in only one?  I just don't think that will happen.

So I have to tell him.

I'm going to do it at the start of the summer.  So that I have all summer to mend my shattered heart (that sounds so melodramatic).  All summer to cry and cry and starve and gradually go on.  Because I am strong and independent and I will be able to do that.  My tattoo is proof of that.

Why is it that I feel it will be much harder to lose D than it was to lose M?  M and I were together for 6 years.  D and I will have been together for only just past 6 months.

I'm unhappy and tearing up thinking about it.  I  don't want D to leave me!

It is my own fault.  I am driving him away.  I wish I were normal.  I wish I weren't so fucked up.  I wish I didn't have to make this choice.

Just to clarify:  I am not pro-ana.  I am not pro-ED.  This is the worst torture imaginable.  It destroys you.  It obsesses you, it makes you hate yourself, it sabotages you, it distracts you from what is really important, it prevents you from being happy, it kills you.  If I could go back and change whatever it was that made me become like this (if I could change myself), I'd do it in a heartbeat.