Today I went exploring downtown with friend H.

And it was good.

We talked and talked and talked.  I found out that she used to have food issues in high school.  I mentioned that I still have a few food issues (did not clarify and she did not ask).  She is the first person that I have said anything to about it besides D and Dr. Therapist.  Nothing bad happened.  I am still in shock that I said that.

D said he is proud of me.  He wants me to be able to talk about these things.  He thinks it is a step forward.

I still feel like I need to be hiding.  I don't want people watching, seeing, judging.

D wants to read this blog again.  He says, "When you are comfortable with it and not a moment sooner."

I am not comfortable with it.

I feel guilty that D thinks I am making so much progress.  Really I don't think I am.  I'm trying to stop the binging but I'm not doing much about the fasting.  My brain keeps telling me not to eat--get small, get to goal weight, and THEN you can recover.  This is bullshit and I know it.  If I do not eat I will just end up binging.  It has never worked before and it will not work now.

I need to get my act together.  If I want to lose weight, I ought to be eating 3 times a day and restricting calories.  But not under 300 per day like I was doing.  Even though that was ok and working fine.  I know that is under the starvation threshold.  And I do not want to be in starvation mode.  And I do not want to fail in grad school.  And I am afraid I won't be able to handle the work if I don't start eating properly.

But I can't.  I have had 185 calories today (gummy vitamins, shirataki pasta with veggies, oolong tea, a jelly stick, one piece of mochi) and I cannot bring myself to eat anything else.  1000 calories just seems like such a huge number.

I don't know what to do anymore.