ok so.

my keyboard is fucked up so no capitalization today.  i am sending it in to get fixed tomorrow which is suck because i need it to work on my proposal and my data analysis.  i guess i am kinda fucked then.  i am gonna use the lab computer so i can do some work on my proposal and at least keep up with my email.  why couldn't this happen last week when i was overloaded with reading?  maybe i'll just find a fuckton more articles to read and not do data analysis at all.  shit.  i am gonna be so behind.  and no skyping with d.  thank god he's coming for a visit this weekend.  good timing, lover.

today is apparently an expletive day.  sorry, guys.  i just feel profane.

so new therapist seems nice.  she's younger than dr. therapist but older than me, which is good because no way in hell am i going to talk to a stranger my own age about my life.  i was pretty honest with her.  that's good, right?  i didn't cry.  i had on "happy salix" persona so i felt kinda like i was faking it.  but i didn't want to cry.  i had to go back to the office afterwards and fuck if they need to know my problems.  so no tears.  sometimes i am not sure when i am lying or not.  is that weird?  especially if i have a persona on...i'm so good at being that person that i can't tell what's going on with me.  but sometimes i can't control when i'm acting either.  like when i am nervous or in a high-stress situation i automatically slip into that mode.  i'm really good at lying to myself.  some of my lies i almost believe are truth.  it gets harder and harder to separate out which is which.  am i happy and awesome and shiny?  can i be the success i tell everyone i am striving for?  or am i this gross monster that eats and starves and cries and panics and can't do a goddamn thing right ever?  really i know i am the second.  but sometimes i almost feel like i could be awesome someday.  maybe.

ahh who am i kidding?  i am a fuck-up.  whatever.

anyway, what else?  food has been good.  intake isn't up to 1000 yet but i'm closer than i was.  haven't binged since last sunday so that's awesome.  having dinner with my uncle tomorrow.  he didn't say where.  keep your fingers crossed for me.  restaurants are too scary for me to handle.  but i'm going to anyway.  and he definitely won't comment on weight...last time i saw him was last thanksgiving (the only time i've gone home in the past 4 years that hasn't triggered a binge) and i was way skinnier then.  i don't put actual weights on here, but i was 22 lbs lighter then.  i hadn't binged in 3 weeks and i wasn't eating much.  maybe 400 cals a day max.  anyway though.  he didn't comment then and he won't comment now...because fuck, who would say "my, you've gained weight, haven't you?"  nobody, that's who!  that's a bitchy comment.  unless maybe the person you are talking to is pregnant.  but even then it's still rude.

and then i am having lunch with h on wednesday (we are planning a weekly lunch date) which is much less stressful because we don't go out; we bring bag lunches.  and i planned a meal already.  brown rice with veggies (yes, from a microwaveable dinner.  rice is not a safe food so i can't keep it in the house).  this is good.  it is healthy and normal, right?  h always brings rice for lunch and then a treat like a fruit strip for dessert.  so i will do the same.  i don't like fruit strips though.  i am gonna bring a jelly straw.  i found a bag of these at the awesome international district in my city and they are vegan!  i don't eat jell-o because it's not veggie, but these are made with seaweed instead of pig hooves.  and they are safe and low-cal and fruity.

and then a teacher from my undergrad days is visiting and we are going out for coffee.  which is fine.  i like coffee.  i drink it black.  the place she suggested says they have an "espresso bar".  what the fuck does that mean?  do you only have espresso drinks?  or do you have regular coffee too?  i checked their site and they list every food item and then you get to drinks and it says "mexican hot chocolate and full espresso bar!"  seriously.  list your goddamn drinks so us crazy neurotics can plan in advance what is safe and will not induce panic.  whatever.  a tall soy cappucino at starbucks is 80 cals and a grande is 130 cals.  so if i have to get an espresso drink i will get a soy capp and guesstimate.  ugh.  i am terrible as fuck at estimating cal counts.

i shouldn't be obsessing over this.  i shouldn't.  the goal is 1000 to 1500 per day.  1500 is a lot of calories.  it's not going to be any higher than that.  one coffee drink is not going to make me gain a million pounds.  it probably wont make me gain anything.  it shouldn't trigger a binge.  coffee's not a trigger for me.  the goal is also to eat three times a day.  so i can't skip a meal to make up for it.  but that's ok.  i will still be ok.  right?  i'll keep telling myself that.

it's hard to get to 1000 cals a day on only safe foods because all my safe foods are pretty low-cal.  like fruits and veggies and stuff.  but i don't think i can handle much else right now.

ooh ooh exciting news though!  i was at the store yesterday (to get some pasta sauce.  i can't keep it in the house because it's not a safe food.  seriously.  not even the bottled kind.  the cheap shit in a can.  garlic and herbs and so tasty that i could eat the whole goddamned thing straight.  with a spoon.  like super thick tomato soup).  where was i?  oh yeah.  i went to the store to get aforementioned pasta sauce and, guys, i bought cereal.  i want to type that in all caps because it's fucking important and notable but my fucking keyboard is shit so i can't.  but oh my god!  cereal is not a safe food.  at all.  in fact, i am almost 100% certain that i have never bought cereal in my life other than the already portioned out little cup cereals.  and i bought it very deliberately (not on a binge impulse) along with some unsweetened vanilla almond milk (yummm).  and i had one serving this morning.  and i was okay!  this is puffed rice cereal (unsweetened and low-cal), which is the closest to safe cereal that you could possibly get, and i feel panicky at the thought of buying any other kind of cereal, but oh my god, you guys.  i have cereal in my pantry right now.  and i am still in control.  ahhh it's so weird.  but good.  i guess.  i almost texted d to tell him that i bought cereal! but then i realized he would not understand this.  so i didn't say anything.

damn this was a long post.  i could keep going but i won't.  plus lack of caps is probably pretty annoying to you patient gals who read through all this shit.

peace out, y'all.  i'll be back whenever my computer is fixed.  (hurry the fuck up with it, hp!  i can't live computer-less for long!)