AND I had a fight with D that I totally started by being stupid and insecure. He's an incredibly patient person and didn't end up going to bed until 2 AM his time with an 8 AM meeting. To stay up with me. I'm such an ungrateful little bitch.
Are we ok? I don't know.
Pretty much all the problems in our relationships, all the fights we ever have, are my fault. Seriously. New therapist says I take blame too often and things in general are not always my fault, but in this case the issues stem from my low self-esteem and my insecurities.
I don't believe I am lovable. And so I don't understand why D loves me. (And D doesn't like it when I question it because he tells me all the time and shows me all the time and why can't I just fucking believe it? Don't I trust him? I don't trust anyone. I maybe trust D more than most people.) I don't understand and I hate not understanding. I pick things apart and examine them. I'm a SCIENTIST. That's what we do. Plus I am horribly self-centered and obsessive. So I poke and prod at his concept of "love" and question and contradict and disbelieve. And of course that causes problems. Even the most patient man in the world could only put up with so much shit.
The other half of that issue is that I don't believe I am capable of love.
I feel like I should offer some sort of explanation for that statement but truth is, I don't have one. I don't know what else to say. Also now I need to go put on boots for the snow-covered trek to class. Fuck you, winter.
I read paragraph four and I could swear you're explaining what recently started up in my own head.
ReplyDeleteIt's baffling, isn't it?
Stay strong
xx
Could you apply some of the thinking behind Occam's razor to love? http://questionablecontent.net./view.php?comic=1006
ReplyDeleteHmm...
ReplyDeleteI think it's one thing to question your own love, your own capacity to love, the depth or intensity of love which you possess...but questioning someone else's love is something one ought to avoid doing only because it is impossible to know the answers to those questions concretely, and trying to know them creates fissures in the relation between giving and taking.
Yes, it's nice when your defintion of love seems to line up and correspond with someone else's definition of love so that you feel you are understanding them accurately when they say "I love you," but in all honesty, it doesn't make much of a difference does it?
You either feel it or you don't.
That goes not just for your own feelings of love for them, but your own feelings of being loved by them. If you can't feel it, then yeah, that bears investigating.
But if you feel something, even if it is baffling, nonsensical, irrational...if you feel it, then it exists. Whether or not you can parse that existence into a meaning that precisely satisfies your own criteria for what is or isn't "love" well, that's another matter.
If your need to disprove his love stems from feeling like his love for you is mistaken or misplaced, then you need to work less on accepting his love and more on loving yourself coz what you might be experiencing is likely to be a form of self-doubt externally projected onto him.
Coz the question I seem to get from reading this entry is not "What does love mean?" so much as it is "What is there to love about me?"
And that's a question only you can answer for yourself; and in answering, supply the lion's share of proof, and in proving, also dignify the proof by loving those things named.
That's really fancy talk just to say that when you find out on your own what is loveable about yourself, the most effective way to make those things manifest to others is to love yourself for those qualities first. Others will follow suit.
<3
Ugh...I hate being analytical and analyzing everything and other people thing your just insane and don't understand. Being a scientist just makes things difficult.
ReplyDeleteHey! I just subscribed and this post reminds me so much of Bones...the tv show. And i do the same thing- analyze, pick at everything in the most rational way possible.
ReplyDeletehang in there!
:)
-Lisa