I feel like I am in that movie Groundhog Day where I live the same day over and over and over again and nothing ever changes.
It has been raining and grey all day every day and that gets me down. I got myself a sunlamp. I hope that helps my insubordinate brain chemistry.
I'm finding it difficult to focus and to work and all I want to do is sleep. My binge-asaurus rex tendencies of late don't help matters at all.
Hot boy M (remember him? The guy I was crushing so hard on before I started dating D?) and I have been emailing. I saw him over winter break and we had a good conversation. So he emailed me to say he'd enjoyed it and to tell me about one of his new year's resolutions (it pertains to me). And I emailed back. And he emailed back. And I emailed back.
The emails are not flirtatious or anything and honestly, I'm pretty sure that being anything more than friends with him would be an unmitigated disaster. Besides, I'm not interested because of D and he's never displayed any interest in me. I still think he's hot, but then again, I think the singer from Owl City is hot too.
But I kind of feel guilty about it. Which is ridiculous. I mean, D has TONS and TONS of female friends and at least half of them are fucking gorgeous. Surely I am allowed to have one male friend that I think is hot.
Maybe I feel guilty because of the smiles I get from these emails. I don't know why they make me so happy. Maybe I feel guilty because D hasn't been making me feel the same way. (D is really really shit at communication. He rarely texts or emails and we're both busy enough that we don't get much skype time. Plus the whole 3 hour time difference makes things hard to organize and D is not a planner like I am because he is too forgetful. Sometimes I wish we had a scheduled time to talk but that never works out. And most of the time I understand that this is because of the time difference and the busy-ness of our respective schedules, but sometimes I am frustrated and think that he just doesn't want to try.)
I just want to stop binging and start working and be happy. Is that so much to ask?
hmmmmmm miss lady
ReplyDeletefeeling guilty is generally a sign that something isn't quite in proper alignment.
while having a good looking friend of the opposite sex is totally fine, how you feel about having a good looking friend of the opposite sex is a determining factor in whether 'totally fine' is an accurate descriptor.
crushing on someone is usually not just about how physically attractive they are, but how attractive they are to you specificially.
does this guy flip your switches in a friendly sequence (on/off/off/on/off/off/off/on/)? or does he have the kind of appeal that signals all systems are go?
comparing D to him unfavorably is probably a clue that at least some of your satisfaction from this interaction is stemming from your dissatisfaction with D...emotional responses which should be operating on two completely different matrixes.
I would take the guilt as a warning to slow down until more data can be had.
also...thank you so much for saying the extra steps are worth it. I get so anxious sometimes thinking I'm being a completely histrionic nut-job.
I think maybe you should keep a running tally of the things that are good about you. try to come up with a new one each day...write it down, keep the list growing. if you get stumped, come up with something you'd like to be or have or do and then pursue it. could work, maybe, yeah?
I don't think you should feel guilty, as long as these emails are harmless. It's healthy to have a mix of girl and guy friends, and it's not like you have to choose to only be friends with ugly people or something lol.
ReplyDeleteIt has got to be hard with D being far away and not being able to talk often, and I think you may be needing some attention right now from the opposite sex, which is what M is providing you with. I think that might be where the feelings of guiltiness are stemming from, just because he is a guy and is paying you some much needed attention. We all love attention and being made to feel good about ourselves, and there is nothing wrong with that.
As long as you don't let things get beyond harmless things like emails and hanging out as platonic friends, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
I hope things with D get better. I know it sucks to feel like you are putting more into a relationship than someone else, but maybe D honestly doesn't know how much you miss hearing his voice. Guys are a funny race, as we well know. It takes them a while to realize these things. Maybe you should call him and just talk to him about it. You don't need to mention M, but just tell him that you would love to hear from him more often, because you miss him. I don't think that is too much to ask of him.
Good luck, lovely! xoxo
I am caught up! Ha!
ReplyDeleteThe work and summer school combination has officially melted my brain, so I am unable to contribute anything useful to your dilemma.
There is some bad news, though. It pertains to our Australian scuba diving trip. The debris plume from the floods in Brisbane looks like it's gonna rape the hell outta the GBR. Not good!! I wish I could take my bucket and gummies and go help them clean up, but time and money and Zelia do not allow :(
Love and cuddles to you in your snowy northern world, dearest <3 I've missed you so much!