I am back at school and regular posting & commenting shall recommence. Maybe. We all know how I am.
So D was wrong and I have not actually lost any weight, according to my scale. Oh well. New year, new start, blah de blah de blah.
Do I sound jaded? I have had SO MANY new years and new starts with this disorder.
Never a new year focused on recovery though.
Except how focused on recovery am I when I still have losing weight as one of my goals? When my brain still tells me that not-eating is the only way to do that? (Though I try not to listen to it.) When I get back to my apartment and call D and my mother to tell them my plane got in safe and pay my January rent and pick up my mail and go to the store and then proceed to come home and binge on pasta and pita chips and hummus?
That doesn't really sound like someone in recovery.
Of course, if I went to a doctor today (without telling him about my ED history), he'd tell me to lose weight. My BMI toes the line of obesity. There. I admitted it. For all my disordered behavior, I am a fatty. Now you know I am not exaggerating. I refused to post my height and weight and pictures because I wanted you all to picture me as pretty and thin (and also because I am paranoid). Secret is out. Sorry, guys.
ARRGH. BRAIN=FUCKED UP.
Goal is still eat 3 times a day aiming for 1000-1500 cals/day (because usually I am either WAY under or WAY over that...no in-between for Miss Salix).
Goal is exercise more often than not.
Goal is stick with the therapy.
Goal is maintain sanity.
I hope this new year brings you what you want. Whether that IS recovery, or to reach your goal weight, you absolutely deserve it :) xoxo
ReplyDeleteArgh...I can sympathize A LOT with what you said about a new year focused on recovery AND still wanting to lose weight.
ReplyDeleteI think (and this is from personal experience, not a blanket generalization) that when you're overweight and have disordered eating, the temptation is to let the ED carry you along until the ED becomes unmanageable and you're underweight and other people step in and say "ENOUGH," because then you'll know for sure it's the right time to recover because recovery will then be a life or death decision.
But isn't it always a life or death decision?
I dunno. This is the first time in my adult life I've ever been this small (I won't say thin, coz that's stretching the truth), but I've had an ED all along and it's the same thin or fat: the obsession, distorted self-perception, and constant struggle are pretty much unchanging regardless of weight.
Which means that no matter what I weigh, recovery is imperative. I'm tired of the epically useless battle against things that, in the end, don't count towards peace of mind, happiness, spiritual fulfillment or satisfying interpersonal relationships. lol I mean, really...what good is being skinny when you hate everything you have and everyone you love no longer knows who you are?
That being said, I'm at the beginning of this whole recovery road and the numbers on the scale still freak me out. So. Taking things in increments...eh?
I have the EXACT same resolution to eat three meals, but I also added a snack. I'm using self.com to track my calories. You can look up the foods and post them to your account. I like it because it tracks your stats and puts them into a bar graph. I guess I just love the numbers :p
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I wish you the best in reaching your New Years Resolutions!
Stay strong and beautiful,
xoxo,
b.
P.S. I'm right up there with you... Borderline 25 for me. I think by eating more and exercising, we'll have a slower weightloss, but it will STAY off. (Hopefully)
ReplyDelete