After a week of awful binges, today is Day #2 of not.

I am dog-sitting for a friend and it is wonderful to have fuzzy beings that love me because I feed them and give them ice cream (their favorite treat) and snuggle with me at night.

D is coming to visit for half of his spring break (the other half he is going to 2 conferences, as I may have mentioned before).  He booked the tickets today, so that makes it certain.  I am happy about that.

We had a conversation late into the night (very late in his time zone) yesterday about how long-distance is horribly shitty and he's really having a very hard time with it.  And how I have introduced a seed of doubt into his head about F and now he is always analyzing his interactions with her.  I am less happy about this, although he seems to think the conversation went well...in that we talked very honestly about difficult topics.  It was less than comfortable for me, but then I suppose those kinds of conversations always are.  At least I managed to stay relatively calm and not overreact terribly.

Poor D is so stressed lately.  With schoolwork and waiting to hear for grad school acceptance/rejection...I remember how bad that was for me.  And I was not even dealing with long-distance; I had D around all the time then.  But I really really really wish he'd have a little more confidence in us.  I can picture a future with him.  I want him to see what I see.  I want him to know as I know in my heart that we can make this work.

I don't know.  Maybe I am being unrealistic?  I am usually not prone to dreams like this.

Anyway, by now I have forgotten most of what was new in my brain after last therapy session.  Except that we talked about D.  Therapist said that she thinks D tends to shift responsibility to me.  I guess that's partly because I take it automatically.  But for example, he hates it that I am so insecure.  But one of the reasons I am insecure is because D will not commit to me.  When he left last time, he said he couldn't promise he'd be back for spring break.  How am I supposed to feel secure with that?  I'm glad that now I know he's coming...I guess I can be secure for 2 weeks (aside from now worrying even more over F, which sucks because I had pretty much put her out of my mind.  dammit, D!  She is too young for you and too tall and I am much better for you than she could ever be.  You need to realize this).  And another example: when I did originally tell him that I was uncomfortable with him and F going out one-on-one in date-type situations, he asked me what I wanted him to do.  And so the ball was back in my court, the responsibility was with me.  Maybe this is why I always end up feeling at fault.

Oh I don't know.  Maybe this is all fucking bullshit.

Why can't things ever be easy?

Back to food, because even though it isn't easy, at least it is much simpler than relationship stuff.

Yesterday I had 3 meals and did not count calories (and am refusing the temptation to think back to what I ate).  Maybe around 1000?  Possibly a bit lower.

Today I did not eat lunch, but I had a larger dinner.  Around 600 calories total.

Two good things:
1.  I have been drinking soymilk and normally I never ever drink things with calories.  Though admittedly this morning it was on cereal and not in a glass.  The friend I am dog-sitting for knows that I am vegan and stocked up on soymilk.
2.  I have not been freaking out at the prospect of eating more than 100 calories at a time.  The cereal & soymilk this morning was about 200 calories and the dinner (noodle soup) was just under 400 calories.

Progress?  Maybe.  Who knows at this point?

13 days until D arrives.  22 days until my spring break.