Also, was pondering while half-asleep last night and came to the conclusion that at least some of my aversion to doctors comes from my mother.
When I was little, I never went to the doctor's. Seriously, never. I never got really sick or anything either, but I don't even remember going to the doctor's when I got chicken pox in eighth grade. I can only remember 2 doctor's visits, and they were both for standard physicals (for intense gymnastics training camps, they require that you've had a physical within the past two years).
And whenever I did get sick, my mom would get angry and call me her "little sickie" and say that we already had one sick person in the family (my dad has a chronic illness) and we didn't need another.
I think this sort of thing also contributes to my intense negative reaction to perceived condescension. Her other favorite phrase was when I cried--she'd go, "Ohhh, let's all throw a pity-party for [salix]".
My mom was really fantastic at invalidating and/or belittling my feelings.
Okay, rant over. Brushing hair and leaving for bus stop now.
4/29/11
Feeling much better and less sick this morning. Throat still hurts a tiny bit, but that's it. Yay nyquil and copious amounts of sleep!
In one hour I get on a bus to get on a plane to fly back to D's side of the world.
Here is the plan:
Spend Saturday doing things that make me happy. Non-stressful things. Go to the beach and be happy.
That night is the wedding. Will see D there (and for the long car ride the next day). Plan: be happy. Be smile-y, be vivacious, be carefree, have my walls up high and sealed so tight that not even hydrofluoric acid could eat its way through.
I've never been able to block D before. But then again, I've never actually tried. Even from the very beginning he had access, which is very very extremely odd and out-of-character for me. I don't know why D has always been such an exception to all of my rules.
Let it be a challenge, I suppose. The car ride will be even more so, I'm sure.
But he's too dangerous to let in again. He must be kept out. I must keep him out.
With regards to food, the plan is: pretend to be normal. Eat when/what others do/are (with obvious exceptions due to veganism, of course).
It is time to stop being stupid about this. No more of this whiny "But food is so complicated! It's too much effort!" bullshit. It is time to put on my big girl panties and just fucking eat something.
Wish me luck.
In one hour I get on a bus to get on a plane to fly back to D's side of the world.
Here is the plan:
Spend Saturday doing things that make me happy. Non-stressful things. Go to the beach and be happy.
That night is the wedding. Will see D there (and for the long car ride the next day). Plan: be happy. Be smile-y, be vivacious, be carefree, have my walls up high and sealed so tight that not even hydrofluoric acid could eat its way through.
I've never been able to block D before. But then again, I've never actually tried. Even from the very beginning he had access, which is very very extremely odd and out-of-character for me. I don't know why D has always been such an exception to all of my rules.
Let it be a challenge, I suppose. The car ride will be even more so, I'm sure.
But he's too dangerous to let in again. He must be kept out. I must keep him out.
With regards to food, the plan is: pretend to be normal. Eat when/what others do/are (with obvious exceptions due to veganism, of course).
It is time to stop being stupid about this. No more of this whiny "But food is so complicated! It's too much effort!" bullshit. It is time to put on my big girl panties and just fucking eat something.
Wish me luck.
4/28/11
Fuck, guys. Just. FUCK.
Therapist called. She spoke to her supervisor and they want me to go see a doctor. She has the name of one who specializes in disordered eating.
THIS is why I never tell people things. Because they always fucking betray you. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut. She wasn't going to ask; I shouldn't have volunteered.
I am not going to a doctor. I cannot risk having them commit me. I cannot risk anyone in the department finding out about this. I cannot have my family finding out, and thanks to the whole fucking stupid insurance thing with the vaccinations, I now know that any doctors visits WILL be showing up on my parents' insurance plan and most likely with a notification in the mail.
FUCK THIS SHIT.
I said I would consider it. Therapist said we would talk about it next Tuesday when I go in.
If she tries to force this, then I am quitting therapy.
Also, can I note how BULLSHIT it is that she wasn't concerned enough about the binging to make me see a doctor but all of a sudden she's worried about my electrolyte and vitamin levels? Like I don't know enough to make sure my electrolytes are stable and to take my multivitamin every day. I'm not stupid.
**edit**
Okay, yes, I know, professional responsibility and all that. It's not really a betrayal. And if I weren't worried about it myself, I wouldn't have said anything. I'm just sick and cranky and really don't want to go see a doctor.
If the whole lack of appetite and not-eating continues after this weekend, I will go see a doctor though, okay? Just in case.
Therapist called. She spoke to her supervisor and they want me to go see a doctor. She has the name of one who specializes in disordered eating.
THIS is why I never tell people things. Because they always fucking betray you. I knew I should have kept my mouth shut. She wasn't going to ask; I shouldn't have volunteered.
I am not going to a doctor. I cannot risk having them commit me. I cannot risk anyone in the department finding out about this. I cannot have my family finding out, and thanks to the whole fucking stupid insurance thing with the vaccinations, I now know that any doctors visits WILL be showing up on my parents' insurance plan and most likely with a notification in the mail.
FUCK THIS SHIT.
I said I would consider it. Therapist said we would talk about it next Tuesday when I go in.
If she tries to force this, then I am quitting therapy.
Also, can I note how BULLSHIT it is that she wasn't concerned enough about the binging to make me see a doctor but all of a sudden she's worried about my electrolyte and vitamin levels? Like I don't know enough to make sure my electrolytes are stable and to take my multivitamin every day. I'm not stupid.
**edit**
Okay, yes, I know, professional responsibility and all that. It's not really a betrayal. And if I weren't worried about it myself, I wouldn't have said anything. I'm just sick and cranky and really don't want to go see a doctor.
If the whole lack of appetite and not-eating continues after this weekend, I will go see a doctor though, okay? Just in case.
Ugh. I have a cold. My throat is killing me. Hurts to swallow. :(
Really really hope this goes away by Saturday.
Life is so much less complicated without D in it. It's stressful dating him. But it's also stressful not dating him. And I think I prefer the former stress over the latter.
The best situation would be for us to date not-long-distance. But obviously that isn't possible. So second best is to date long-distance.
I hope he's reached the same conclusion.
Blah. Don't wanna think anymore. Just wanna go home and sleep.
Really really hope this goes away by Saturday.
Life is so much less complicated without D in it. It's stressful dating him. But it's also stressful not dating him. And I think I prefer the former stress over the latter.
The best situation would be for us to date not-long-distance. But obviously that isn't possible. So second best is to date long-distance.
I hope he's reached the same conclusion.
Blah. Don't wanna think anymore. Just wanna go home and sleep.
 |
| sad panda |
4/27/11
I came clean to therapist today about how much weight I have lost. Fudged a bit on the intakes though--told her they were higher than they actually have been.
She says she's not too worried at this point, since I'm not showing any signs of malnutrition. (My hair is not falling out, my nails are not turning blue, no dizziness, no weakness, no fainting, no insomnia.) But that the amount of weight I have lost is definitely not healthy and that she would advise me to eat more. She also says the sad and the lack of appetite are signs of depression, which I knew already.
I'm having soup for dinner tonight again, but it's a soup with higher amounts of calories than normal (cream-based not broth-based).
Meh. I had more to say, but I need to go prep for the two discussion sessions tomorrow and maybe finish this essay. And I want to go to bed early tonight because I have to get up an hour and a half earlier than usual tomorrow to finish up compiling the discussion (because some people don't freaking post their contributions until midnight or later, even though the deadline is TECHNICALLY 5 pm today) and to change out the car pass for E's car so that he won't get ticketed.
Tomorrow I have that stuff in the morning, then straight to 3 hours of class, then straight to a 3.5 hour lab meeting, then set-up for the dept social, then the social, then pick up my dress for the wedding from the alteration people (had to have it taken in a bit under the arms because it was all gaping and showed my bra), then find some pretty earrings to wear for wedding and art show, then pack. YIKES. I think I will skip out on setting-up for the social and attending the social. After all, I was the one who had to pick up all the food for it. I have done my part. The other lab guys can take care of it. I feel kind of slacker for saying that, but hey. I have shit going on.
Ok. Work time.
She says she's not too worried at this point, since I'm not showing any signs of malnutrition. (My hair is not falling out, my nails are not turning blue, no dizziness, no weakness, no fainting, no insomnia.) But that the amount of weight I have lost is definitely not healthy and that she would advise me to eat more. She also says the sad and the lack of appetite are signs of depression, which I knew already.
I'm having soup for dinner tonight again, but it's a soup with higher amounts of calories than normal (cream-based not broth-based).
Meh. I had more to say, but I need to go prep for the two discussion sessions tomorrow and maybe finish this essay. And I want to go to bed early tonight because I have to get up an hour and a half earlier than usual tomorrow to finish up compiling the discussion (because some people don't freaking post their contributions until midnight or later, even though the deadline is TECHNICALLY 5 pm today) and to change out the car pass for E's car so that he won't get ticketed.
Tomorrow I have that stuff in the morning, then straight to 3 hours of class, then straight to a 3.5 hour lab meeting, then set-up for the dept social, then the social, then pick up my dress for the wedding from the alteration people (had to have it taken in a bit under the arms because it was all gaping and showed my bra), then find some pretty earrings to wear for wedding and art show, then pack. YIKES. I think I will skip out on setting-up for the social and attending the social. After all, I was the one who had to pick up all the food for it. I have done my part. The other lab guys can take care of it. I feel kind of slacker for saying that, but hey. I have shit going on.
Ok. Work time.
4/26/11
I am beyond exhausted right now. Today has been a very very long day. And it's only 9 pm. Gonna try to finish one last paper before sleep.
I think probably the most likely explanation is that D just didn't realize that picture was still up. There's probably no more meaning beyond the gesture than that. This is what I'm trying to convince myself anyway.
I'm still anxious about how this weekend is going to go. He's officially still driving me to L's show, so that's a 4 hour car ride with him. Gonna be AWKWARD! Especially if he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. :/
I don't know. I feel like I've changed a lot since we stopped talking. I'm feeling more self-confident, I'm being more assertive, I've been thinking more about me and what I want in life and shit (though goodness knows I am still confused on many of those things), I've been making an effort to be social and hang out with people and I think I'm getting better at that (might also be a factor of me being more self-confident). I'm liking my body a little more. (Mostly because I've lost weight. I am currently a socially acceptable weight for my height.) Aside from the bouts of crushing sad and the worrisome lack of appetite, I'm actually liking the new Salix quite a bit. (And to be honest, I don't really mind the lack of appetite, because it takes away most of my food anxiety. However, not eating = bad Salix. Planning out meals and then forgetting or not bothering to actually make and eat them is not sustainable or healthy. I need to work on that.)
And I wonder if he'll be totally different as well.
And I wonder if he still loves me. And if he'll love the new Salix.
Here are two things that worry me:
1. D will notice how much weight I've lost. It's kind of quite a bit. I still can't really see much change, except in my face and collarbone. I think my shoulder blades might be sticking out a little more too. No one here has noticed (or if they have, they haven't commented), but they see me everyday and anyway, I'm always wearing bulky sweaters and such because it is still winter here. Also, D is more observant than your average person and is/was very familiar with my body.
Anyway, I'm worried that he will notice the weightloss and feel that he is responsible for it (lovely arrogant man). I don't want him to get back together with me because he feels guilty or responsible or because he thinks I will harm myself if he doesn't. D has a bit of a white knight complex. But he is NOT responsible for me or my actions; what I choose to put or not put in my mouth is not his business. I do not need a saviour. I do not need to be rescued. I do not want him to date me out of guilt or pity. I want him to date me because he wants me.
2. I worry that this trip will be a trigger and I will stumble back into the awful binging cycle. I really really really times a million do not want that to happen. I cannot gain back to where I was before. I cannot handle daily binges again. I feel very in-control of food and eating right now and I am loathe to give that up.
BLAH. I suppose we'll see what happens soon. Back to work now.
I think probably the most likely explanation is that D just didn't realize that picture was still up. There's probably no more meaning beyond the gesture than that. This is what I'm trying to convince myself anyway.
I'm still anxious about how this weekend is going to go. He's officially still driving me to L's show, so that's a 4 hour car ride with him. Gonna be AWKWARD! Especially if he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. :/
I don't know. I feel like I've changed a lot since we stopped talking. I'm feeling more self-confident, I'm being more assertive, I've been thinking more about me and what I want in life and shit (though goodness knows I am still confused on many of those things), I've been making an effort to be social and hang out with people and I think I'm getting better at that (might also be a factor of me being more self-confident). I'm liking my body a little more. (Mostly because I've lost weight. I am currently a socially acceptable weight for my height.) Aside from the bouts of crushing sad and the worrisome lack of appetite, I'm actually liking the new Salix quite a bit. (And to be honest, I don't really mind the lack of appetite, because it takes away most of my food anxiety. However, not eating = bad Salix. Planning out meals and then forgetting or not bothering to actually make and eat them is not sustainable or healthy. I need to work on that.)
And I wonder if he'll be totally different as well.
And I wonder if he still loves me. And if he'll love the new Salix.
Here are two things that worry me:
1. D will notice how much weight I've lost. It's kind of quite a bit. I still can't really see much change, except in my face and collarbone. I think my shoulder blades might be sticking out a little more too. No one here has noticed (or if they have, they haven't commented), but they see me everyday and anyway, I'm always wearing bulky sweaters and such because it is still winter here. Also, D is more observant than your average person and is/was very familiar with my body.
Anyway, I'm worried that he will notice the weightloss and feel that he is responsible for it (lovely arrogant man). I don't want him to get back together with me because he feels guilty or responsible or because he thinks I will harm myself if he doesn't. D has a bit of a white knight complex. But he is NOT responsible for me or my actions; what I choose to put or not put in my mouth is not his business. I do not need a saviour. I do not need to be rescued. I do not want him to date me out of guilt or pity. I want him to date me because he wants me.
2. I worry that this trip will be a trigger and I will stumble back into the awful binging cycle. I really really really times a million do not want that to happen. I cannot gain back to where I was before. I cannot handle daily binges again. I feel very in-control of food and eating right now and I am loathe to give that up.
BLAH. I suppose we'll see what happens soon. Back to work now.
 |
| It's Not Magic by Meg Lyman |
Too much work, too much stress, not enough time.
Jaw is feeling a bit better, so that's good at least. Woke up this morning and I was clenching my teeth, so I am now pretty sure that's why it's been sore lately.
4 days until the wedding and D. I can't handle this. He's online again and not talking to me still.
I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt today that I have not worn since high school. Jeans are a little tight in the thighs but otherwise fit, maybe even a bit better in the waist than they did back then.
Somehow I managed to end up as discussion leader for both my classes on Thursday. I guess I'd better go prep for that.
I wish I could stop my brain for awhile.
Jaw is feeling a bit better, so that's good at least. Woke up this morning and I was clenching my teeth, so I am now pretty sure that's why it's been sore lately.
4 days until the wedding and D. I can't handle this. He's online again and not talking to me still.
I'm wearing jeans and a t-shirt today that I have not worn since high school. Jeans are a little tight in the thighs but otherwise fit, maybe even a bit better in the waist than they did back then.
Somehow I managed to end up as discussion leader for both my classes on Thursday. I guess I'd better go prep for that.
I wish I could stop my brain for awhile.
4/25/11
Annnndd no sooner do I post that then the bad things all come back in force.
Cried in the office today for the first time in a while.
PMS-y week, I think, which sucks because a) I feel shitty and b) much harder to keep emotional control, so seeing D will be even harder.
I have felt nauseous all day.
Stupid J keeps texting me; I don't know why; wasn't one awful date enough? I don't want you, I want D!
The lack of appetite and/or binge-urges is starting to scare me. Office lady brought in left-over Easter carrot cake and I took a slice to be normal. No urge to even taste it. It sat on my desk all day. And it smelled great, but it was like smelling a candle. No urge to eat. Eventually I cut it in half and threw half away and then gave the rest to E.
I'm having soup for dinner tonight because I planned it. I have no urge to eat it but it was planned so I will anyway.
I'm worrying myself.
I don't belong here and I am overwhelmed and I cannot deal and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix anything. I cannot handle this sad. It is crushing me.
Cried in the office today for the first time in a while.
PMS-y week, I think, which sucks because a) I feel shitty and b) much harder to keep emotional control, so seeing D will be even harder.
I have felt nauseous all day.
Stupid J keeps texting me; I don't know why; wasn't one awful date enough? I don't want you, I want D!
The lack of appetite and/or binge-urges is starting to scare me. Office lady brought in left-over Easter carrot cake and I took a slice to be normal. No urge to even taste it. It sat on my desk all day. And it smelled great, but it was like smelling a candle. No urge to eat. Eventually I cut it in half and threw half away and then gave the rest to E.
I'm having soup for dinner tonight because I planned it. I have no urge to eat it but it was planned so I will anyway.
I'm worrying myself.
I don't belong here and I am overwhelmed and I cannot deal and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix anything. I cannot handle this sad. It is crushing me.
Last night I stayed up way too late and consequently I am exhausted this morning. But it was TOTALLY WORTH IT.
We played Catan and I won (despite never having played before, only watching M and his friends play in high school. In retrospect, there were a lot of games I watched them play but never got to join in). The rules are quite simple and once I figured out that I only needed 2 more points to win, I just kept my mouth shut until my next turn. Beginner's luck, I suppose.
Then after, FH and his housemates made curry and we just hung out for a while. And guys, I actually felt like I was contributing by being there for once. Normally I feel as though I am the awkward extra in a group, like no one really wants me there. But this time it wasn't really like that. Still a little bit--I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to get rid of that feeling. But we talked, we joked, Russian girl who is not actually Russian kept saying, "Why haven't you brought her around before?" to FH. And every so often I'd make a joke and everyone would laugh and then FH or one of the housemates would look at each other and go, "She has to live with us." It was awesome. I felt so wanted. Also they have agreed: if I do end up living with them, I get to name our kitty.
I am so torn. I want to live with them. Food will be stressful, but it always is anyway. I like it here. But I also really really really want to stay together with D. I want to live with D. I want to be able to come home and just be with him, like a proper couple. To cook dinner together, watch movies cuddled up on the couch, read/write/grade papers in companionable silence, etc. WHYYYY can't this school have a good phil mind program????
GAH LIFE.
We played Catan and I won (despite never having played before, only watching M and his friends play in high school. In retrospect, there were a lot of games I watched them play but never got to join in). The rules are quite simple and once I figured out that I only needed 2 more points to win, I just kept my mouth shut until my next turn. Beginner's luck, I suppose.
Then after, FH and his housemates made curry and we just hung out for a while. And guys, I actually felt like I was contributing by being there for once. Normally I feel as though I am the awkward extra in a group, like no one really wants me there. But this time it wasn't really like that. Still a little bit--I don't know if I'll ever fully be able to get rid of that feeling. But we talked, we joked, Russian girl who is not actually Russian kept saying, "Why haven't you brought her around before?" to FH. And every so often I'd make a joke and everyone would laugh and then FH or one of the housemates would look at each other and go, "She has to live with us." It was awesome. I felt so wanted. Also they have agreed: if I do end up living with them, I get to name our kitty.
I am so torn. I want to live with them. Food will be stressful, but it always is anyway. I like it here. But I also really really really want to stay together with D. I want to live with D. I want to be able to come home and just be with him, like a proper couple. To cook dinner together, watch movies cuddled up on the couch, read/write/grade papers in companionable silence, etc. WHYYYY can't this school have a good phil mind program????
GAH LIFE.
4/24/11
Well, apparently J did not think it was an awkward/awful date. He texted today to say happy easter.
D's been on skype all day. Not talking to me, of course. 6 days until the wedding. I'm still being emo about him. :( Love me, D. Love me love me love me. Maybe if I wish for it hard enough, he will.
Thank goodness for FH. He texted to tell me to come to game night at his house tonight. Yay more socialization and not so much moping about D. FH is such a good guy.
Just need to finish writing this essay and reading my class papers...
D's been on skype all day. Not talking to me, of course. 6 days until the wedding. I'm still being emo about him. :( Love me, D. Love me love me love me. Maybe if I wish for it hard enough, he will.
Thank goodness for FH. He texted to tell me to come to game night at his house tonight. Yay more socialization and not so much moping about D. FH is such a good guy.
Just need to finish writing this essay and reading my class papers...
4/23/11
4/22/11
On my way home from work, I stopped at the store and bought an adorable new dress for L's art show next weekend. (It was cheap, too! Half off!)
Actually, I bought two adorable dresses, one fuzzy black sweater because I have a severe lack of warm clothing (I didn't need it in the south!), and one black blouse for semi-dressy occasions (such as presentations or conferences). And I ACTUALLY SORT OF ENJOYED IT. I think this is the first time I have ever in my life enjoyed clothes shopping.
Don't get me wrong, my body still looks all weird and lumpy in the mirror, but clothing is definitely fitting me better. The increased self-esteem is probably helping as well.
I had lunch with H today. My jaw still hurts. I hope that goes away soon. But at least I ate something besides soup, right? Right.
It's been a good day. And tomorrow is looking like one too. Warm (ish) and sunshine, yay!
<3
Actually, I bought two adorable dresses, one fuzzy black sweater because I have a severe lack of warm clothing (I didn't need it in the south!), and one black blouse for semi-dressy occasions (such as presentations or conferences). And I ACTUALLY SORT OF ENJOYED IT. I think this is the first time I have ever in my life enjoyed clothes shopping.
Don't get me wrong, my body still looks all weird and lumpy in the mirror, but clothing is definitely fitting me better. The increased self-esteem is probably helping as well.
I had lunch with H today. My jaw still hurts. I hope that goes away soon. But at least I ate something besides soup, right? Right.
It's been a good day. And tomorrow is looking like one too. Warm (ish) and sunshine, yay!
<3
4/21/11
I must be grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw in my sleep or something, because it has been OW PAINFUL all day. Even if I felt like chewing anything I wouldn't be able to. I cannot open my mouth wide and I cannot bite down at all without pain.
My father emailed me today and apparently things have been badly with him. This explains the long silence since his last email. It really bothers me how my family neglects to tell me things. Apparently 2 weeks ago my dad had to be hospitalized again, with a serious enough issue that he had to go to the specialist hospital a state over instead of the one in my hometown. He later tried to drive himself home and jumped a curb. The police made him call my mother so she could come pick him up. He's been having issues since then too, but mild enough to be treated in the local hospital.
But yeah. Today's email is the first I have heard of any of this. WHY DOES NO ONE EVER TELL ME ANYTHING???
(And yes, I have expressed repeatedly to my mother and father that their nondisclosure bothers me and that I prefer to be kept in the loop.)
Today I went through my email account and deleted every single one to/from D. Also deleted our old Skype conversations. He got online just before the lab meeting started (and just after I'd gotten the email from my father) and so there was 10 minutes of mild freak-out, quelled quickly out of necessity since I had to run the meeting.
Sometimes I really hate D for making me feel like this. (Yes, I know he does not control my emotions; I do. But you understand what I mean.)
I made a list. Here it is.
Things that were Not So Great about D:
My father emailed me today and apparently things have been badly with him. This explains the long silence since his last email. It really bothers me how my family neglects to tell me things. Apparently 2 weeks ago my dad had to be hospitalized again, with a serious enough issue that he had to go to the specialist hospital a state over instead of the one in my hometown. He later tried to drive himself home and jumped a curb. The police made him call my mother so she could come pick him up. He's been having issues since then too, but mild enough to be treated in the local hospital.
But yeah. Today's email is the first I have heard of any of this. WHY DOES NO ONE EVER TELL ME ANYTHING???
(And yes, I have expressed repeatedly to my mother and father that their nondisclosure bothers me and that I prefer to be kept in the loop.)
Today I went through my email account and deleted every single one to/from D. Also deleted our old Skype conversations. He got online just before the lab meeting started (and just after I'd gotten the email from my father) and so there was 10 minutes of mild freak-out, quelled quickly out of necessity since I had to run the meeting.
Sometimes I really hate D for making me feel like this. (Yes, I know he does not control my emotions; I do. But you understand what I mean.)
I made a list. Here it is.
Things that were Not So Great about D:
- the present thing
- I am not the most low-maintenance person in the world. This is undeniable. But really it's my emotions and irrationality and shit that make me high-maintenance. I am not high-maintenance in the stereotypical guy pays for everything, requires presents all the time, stuff like that. I almost always pay for myself and I try not to expect presents. (Though secretly--and I feel guilty for this because it feels selfish--I did wish that D would treat a bit more and would bring/send me flowers on occasion and maybe even random presents. Nothing expensive or anything; just little things that let me know he's thinking about me. He used to do that more often--he got me a dozen red roses on our first valentine's day, and he made me homemade spicy hummus once (using a green bell pepper as the bowl--how cool is that?). I guess that second one ties into Thing #2 on this list as well.)
- But then later on, that all stopped. I think it was probably about the time that I left, so maybe long-distance has something to do with it, and yeah, it can legitimately be hard to coordinate presents and such via mail. But the thing that bothered me was that he kept saying, "Oh, I have this great present in mind for you, I just haven't got it yet." ACTUALLY, you know what? I'm wrong. It started when I graduated. Because he told me he had an awesome graduation gift, which he never actually gave me. And when I teased him about it a month or two later, he said that he was planning to combine it with my going-away present. Which also never actually happened.
- On the night before I left, we'd been planning to have a mushy date--go out to dinner, go to our special spot on the beach and watch the sunset. I dressed up in my flow-y white dress specially just for him. And he was 3 hours late. I waited and waited on the beach. It was full dark by the time he got there. I was in the process of leaving because I'd finally decided he wasn't going to show at all. We didn't get dinner; all the restaurants were closed/closing. He was full of apologies, of course, and let me stay the night at his house, I guess to try and make it up to me. It was the worst farewell night ever.
- His anniversary present to me was a month late (though granted, it was an amazing present).
- He bought my Christmas present the day before Christmas. Two DVDs. Way to put some thought into it, D. Very romantic. They were movies that we had seen together, so I guess it could have been worse? And I suppose that we were sort of even...I also got him a DVD and a video game. But they were ones that I knew he wanted; he'd put them on his wishlist. Whereas there is a reason I don't own any DVDs (besides these two, now)...I never watch movies alone. Also, I do not have a TV and the DVD drive on my computer does not work. I will never be able to watch these movies. WOW I feel like an ungrateful bitch right now. I'm just pointing out, the whole thing seems a bit thoughtless. Even given D's high levels of stress over grad school apps at the time.
- The whole "I've got this spectacular present planned, I just haven't gotten around to getting it yet" thing happened for this Valentine's Day. I never got that present. (But he did end up telling me what it was going to have been--a jar of sand from our special spot on the beach. AWWW. D can be totally sweet and romantic sometimes.)
- I really, truly, honestly don't mind if you don't get me presents. I mean, I love it when you do. I love it because it shows you care and that you think about me. Price tags don't matter to me at all; homemade is equivalent if not better than storebought. I know it's totally cliche to say that it's the thought that counts, but I really feel that it's true. But I'm tangent-ing here. The point is: I don't care if you don't get me presents. But don't tell me you are and then not follow through. That's pretty much breaking your word. And if you are going to, like for an anniversary or something, don't be late with it. A few days to a week, fine. It's hard to time mail properly. But any more than that and it starts seeming like you don't even care enough to bother.
- his over-concern about my ED
- this is an example of a good thing gone overboard. It's totally sweet of him and I love that he's so considerate of my feelings. He tries really really hard to understand and to make absolutely sure I am comfortable. But sometimes I just want to pretend to be normal. And that's really difficult when he's constantly asking if I'm okay. It makes me very self-aware and then sometimes I have the complete opposite reaction than what I think he's aiming for--I start feeling like maybe I shouldn't be okay.
- Most of the time (99%) I really do love how considerate he is about the ED. And it isn't fair of me to expect him to read my mind--there's no possible way he could tell what I'm feeling when. I mean, hell, half the time I can't either. So this issue is not really something he can change.
- The other thing is that I really love it when he cooks for me. It's adorable and caring. Also, the man is freaken' sexy in the kitchen (don't ask me why; I don't know). And a great cook too. But I think he's been more and more hesitant to do it. And I'm almost certain it's because of the ED. I mentioned on here once that he was cooking dinner for me and that I was anxious about it because I would have to eat, and he read that and I think he's reading more into it than I meant. I was/am anxious NOT because he is cooking for me. I like it when he cooks for me. I get anxious because I have to eat PERIOD. I wouldn't be any less anxious in any other situation that involved food. In fact, I'm probably less anxious about his cooking than I am in a restaurant situation--partly because of the whole eating-in-public anxiety, partly because I know he makes an effort to make me food which is relatively safe.
- And here's where the hummus-present comes back in. I should note that this happened before he knew anything about the ED. I'm pretty certain that now he would never dream of giving me food as a present. The thing is though, that I wouldn't object. It was so sweet of him. He was so proud of it and it was so adorable. And yes, I did binge on it later. (And it was spicy and delicious.) BUT that did not lessen my appreciation of the gift at all.
- I just get tired sometimes of being treated with kid-gloves. Like I'm a time-bomb or whatever. You know what? My food anxiety should not be your problem to worry about. I can handle it most times just fine on my own. I really appreciate your desire to help me. But I can take care of myself. And I really just sometimes want to be normal. I want to cook dinner with you. I want to experiment with recipes. I want to go out and try new restaurants and foods I've never eaten before. I want you to not have to think twice before you suggest something food-related. I want to share food with you just because we feel like sharing, not because I'm being anxious.
- I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL.
- I guess this is really more of a my problem instead of a D-problem and, as such, shouldn't be on the list. But I'm keeping it here because it took me ages to type all that out. And also I have mentioned D's tendency to categorize things and then not re-categorize, and I worry that even if/when I have improved enough to be less anxious around food that he will still be acting like I am the old, anxious Salix. And that will encourage me to be more anxious, because I am so goddamn good at being what people expect. Even though I'm working on that, I know that I'm still doing it unconsciously. It's a hard habit to break, especially since I've had it for as long as I can remember.
- the sex thing
- it's kind of funny; for all that I bitched and complained about sex-stuff with D before, it's not what I'm missing now. But I'm including it on the list because it did bother me before. I'm not asking him to have sex with me or anything. I just really wish he were more comfortable with his sexuality. Sometimes I feel badly for being comfortable with mine when I'm around him--it makes me feel like a slut. I know I shouldn't be ashamed of being comfortable with my sexuality; that's a good thing to be. But sometimes I feel that way. (And his obvious dislike of performing oral sex on me makes me feel really repulsive and undesirable.)
- the lack of planning and commitment
- D is ADHD. I realize it's very difficult for him to plan ahead. But OH WOW does that stress me out. I have my schedules planned out literally weeks to months in advance. Very last-minute things are stressful (I don't mean minor things, like randomly deciding to go out for a movie or something. I mean things like buying plane tickets and planning week-long or longer visits. I NEED TO KNOW whether you are actually coming to visit me more than a day in advance!)
- And the commitment thing is sort of obvious. We all know how badly I deal with uncertainty.
- the arrogance (sometimes)
- a certain amount of arrogance is hot. At least on D, it is anyway. I haven't tested this out with anyone else, but it's probably true--self-confidence is sexy and the line between confidence and arrogance is quite thin at times. And D can get away with it; he's very very intelligent and he knows it. But he can go a bit too far. He sometimes comes off as looking down on anyone that he places at a lower intelligence/talent level than himself, and unfortunately that is mostly everyone. I think he really believes that he is smarter than pretty much everyone else around him. And it isn't like he's mean about it. He doesn't make fun or anything. He's just...condescending. I don't take being condescended to very well. He doesn't do it to me all that much (I guess he thinks I'm more on his level? I should probably be honored by that), but he does it to others and it bothers the hell out of me.
- this one's a minor issue; as I said, he doesn't do it all the time. I doubt he even realizes he does it, because if he did he would stop. I find it very difficult to believe that D would ever purposefully do that; I think it's mostly a subconscious thing.
- I also think that grad school will change that. Assuming his experience is even a tiny bit like mine. It's a very humbling process.
WAH that was long. To make up for the babble, here's an adorable picture:
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| Squishy Dragon by Meg Lyman |
*DIES OF CUTENESS*
4/20/11
Also, fricken' B keeps texting me every five seconds. I AM TRYING TO WORK HERE. YOU HAVE ASKED ME HOW MY DAY WAS 5 TIMES AND I HAVE TOLD YOU IT WAS FINE 5 TIMES.
Really I am being very ungrateful right now; I should be happy that someone cares enough to check in on me every night. But I do not have the time for 3 hours of texts every few minutes every night. Especially when they are devoid of content. I have a fricken' essay to write and this presentation for the lab meeting tomorrow (a meeting which I am in charge of organizing) and I have to get all the raw data from last week's boat trips entered into the data spreadsheet and organized, and analyze the acoustics files, and read 3 more papers, AND do laundry and clean my room because it is a fucking mess. I am not kidding. The floor is essentially not visible. TIME FOR YOUR TEXTS, I DO NOT HAZ.
I'm also starting to feel like B only texts me when he's bored or wants to complain about his job.
I feel terribly ungrateful and stressed and cranky right now. :(
Really I am being very ungrateful right now; I should be happy that someone cares enough to check in on me every night. But I do not have the time for 3 hours of texts every few minutes every night. Especially when they are devoid of content. I have a fricken' essay to write and this presentation for the lab meeting tomorrow (a meeting which I am in charge of organizing) and I have to get all the raw data from last week's boat trips entered into the data spreadsheet and organized, and analyze the acoustics files, and read 3 more papers, AND do laundry and clean my room because it is a fucking mess. I am not kidding. The floor is essentially not visible. TIME FOR YOUR TEXTS, I DO NOT HAZ.
I'm also starting to feel like B only texts me when he's bored or wants to complain about his job.
I feel terribly ungrateful and stressed and cranky right now. :(
Therapist did not ask about intake, so I did not lie about it.
Therapist also wonders if the stress of uncertainty has to do with the binging. She notes that the not binging has been correlated to a decrease in uncertainty about my thesis stuff and the disappearance of the uncertainty over the D situation (though frankly, I still think there is a fuckton of uncertainty there). I also note that the 2-3 days I did feel slightly binge-urge-y were the few days before D's conference, when I was uncertain whether he'd send me his schedule and want to see me, etc. However, correlation does not equal causation. I think there's a high chance all that is coincidental. Also, I note that the intense anxiety and uncertainty produced whenever D gets online does not trigger binge-urges.
I don't know. Stress over uncertainty might be a binge trigger. I don't think it's as related to D as therapist thinks. I think it is more internally based. We talked about ways I can work on reducing uncertainty (short-term: plans, plans, and more plans, with lots of just-in-case scenarios. Long-term: figuring out "me" and being okay with me, not trying to be what I think others want me to be).
Therapist thinks I am doing well. Of course, she doesn't know about the low intakes of late. And I am feeling pretty good. But I don't know how much of that is due to the restriction-invincibility. You start believing that you don't actually need food. After all, you've been doing just fine without it. Eating becomes something that happens to other people. Not you. Because why would you? Preparing food, chewing, swallowing...too much time, too much effort. Not necessary. And I feel good. No scary spells, no fuzziness, not even any light-headedness when I stand up too fast (well, maybe once or twice, but only in the middle of the night).
I keep stepping on the scale in the morning, expecting to see a number 20 lbs higher than it actually is right now. I don't look any skinnier in the mirror. My face, maybe a bit thinner. My collarbone sticks out a tiny bit more. Everything else is just the same fattiness as always.
And I know--I know--that the Amy's vegan spinach-tofu wrap (270 cals) sitting in my freezer right now will not magically make me gain 20 lbs. It's just not physically possible. But somehow my brain firmly believes that is what will happen.
I find it hilarious and somewhat ironic that I've sort of accidentally ended up studying consumption, metabolism, and growth. Energy intakes and outputs. Sure, it's for fish instead of people, but it's funny nonetheless.
Don't worry; I'll eat eventually. Lunch with H on Friday. And there's always soup.
Therapist also wonders if the stress of uncertainty has to do with the binging. She notes that the not binging has been correlated to a decrease in uncertainty about my thesis stuff and the disappearance of the uncertainty over the D situation (though frankly, I still think there is a fuckton of uncertainty there). I also note that the 2-3 days I did feel slightly binge-urge-y were the few days before D's conference, when I was uncertain whether he'd send me his schedule and want to see me, etc. However, correlation does not equal causation. I think there's a high chance all that is coincidental. Also, I note that the intense anxiety and uncertainty produced whenever D gets online does not trigger binge-urges.
I don't know. Stress over uncertainty might be a binge trigger. I don't think it's as related to D as therapist thinks. I think it is more internally based. We talked about ways I can work on reducing uncertainty (short-term: plans, plans, and more plans, with lots of just-in-case scenarios. Long-term: figuring out "me" and being okay with me, not trying to be what I think others want me to be).
Therapist thinks I am doing well. Of course, she doesn't know about the low intakes of late. And I am feeling pretty good. But I don't know how much of that is due to the restriction-invincibility. You start believing that you don't actually need food. After all, you've been doing just fine without it. Eating becomes something that happens to other people. Not you. Because why would you? Preparing food, chewing, swallowing...too much time, too much effort. Not necessary. And I feel good. No scary spells, no fuzziness, not even any light-headedness when I stand up too fast (well, maybe once or twice, but only in the middle of the night).
I keep stepping on the scale in the morning, expecting to see a number 20 lbs higher than it actually is right now. I don't look any skinnier in the mirror. My face, maybe a bit thinner. My collarbone sticks out a tiny bit more. Everything else is just the same fattiness as always.
And I know--I know--that the Amy's vegan spinach-tofu wrap (270 cals) sitting in my freezer right now will not magically make me gain 20 lbs. It's just not physically possible. But somehow my brain firmly believes that is what will happen.
I find it hilarious and somewhat ironic that I've sort of accidentally ended up studying consumption, metabolism, and growth. Energy intakes and outputs. Sure, it's for fish instead of people, but it's funny nonetheless.
Don't worry; I'll eat eventually. Lunch with H on Friday. And there's always soup.
My skin has been dry lately. I need to remember to use more lotion. Especially on my hands. I will end up with fisherman's hands, all dry and callused.
When I was a kid, I was always the teacher's pet (it helped that I was too shy to actually talk until 7th grade). My mom would go to the parent-teacher conferences and come home and tell me how the teacher raved about how nice and quiet and well-behaved I was. And then conclude with, "Boy, you've really got them fooled, don't you? Why don't you act like that around here?" I was the Bad Child in our household.
I wonder if that's one of the reasons I have this notion that Good Salix is all an act?
When I was a kid, I was always the teacher's pet (it helped that I was too shy to actually talk until 7th grade). My mom would go to the parent-teacher conferences and come home and tell me how the teacher raved about how nice and quiet and well-behaved I was. And then conclude with, "Boy, you've really got them fooled, don't you? Why don't you act like that around here?" I was the Bad Child in our household.
I wonder if that's one of the reasons I have this notion that Good Salix is all an act?
4/19/11
Today I'm obsessed with Pat Benatar. What a voice!
Psychiatric spa days. I like it. I work on me. Sounds good. Self-esteem is getting better, as it usually does when I don't binge and weight drops. (18 days of no binging, btw. Go me!!) I've been making an effort to be nice to myself and to socialize with others. I've been making progress with thesis-work. I've been making future plans that don't include D instead of plans that do. I've been being introspective. These are all good things, I think.
Also, interesting article. EDs and heightened intolerance of uncertainty are linked? No way, really?
Plan: if D and I are through for good, I'm taking him completely out of my life. Which might not be very nice, but it will be better for me. It's not healthy for me to anxiety-attack when he gets online. It's not healthy for me to check his FB and see what he's up to (it's also pointless, since he barely uses FB anyway). It's definitely not healthy for me to read through old email and skype exchanges.
If he's no longer a factor in my life, it means I'll probably stay here and do a PhD (pending funding...). I'll either find a place of my own or move in with FH and his two buddies. They are looking for a housemate for next year. And I really like having my own place since I am a pretty private person, but I think it might be healthier for me to live with others. The theory being that it might help me normalize my eating a bit (though I guess that didn't really happen when I was living with LF last year). Plus they are all guys (and mathematicians), i.e., less nosy about private stuff. And they want to get a kitty too. Also, and importantly, it would almost definitely be cheaper. When FH offered the other day, I told him that I wanted to see how things played out with D before I made any housing decisions. So I've got time to decide what I want.
I came home late this evening and thought to myself, "You know, I don't actually have to eat dinner." But I had some soup anyway, since I said I would. That's good; I can tell therapist tomorrow that I'm doing better in the eating department. Sort of. Pretty new number on the scale this morning. I can't see any difference in the mirror though. From the front today I looked okay. From the side and back...whale.
D has gone back to his exile from Skype. Do I really affect him that much? Is he just horribly terribly busy and thus not online? (That is likely, as his graduation is in 2.5 weeks.) Was he only online all the time before because we were dating?
He confuses me. A lot.
The wedding happens in 10 days. This weekend I am going to go buy a pretty new dress for the 4-hr car ride and art show afterwards with D (assuming that still happens. I'm making back-up plans just in case it doesn't). For the wedding I am going to wear the same dress that I wore for P&H's wedding because I have only worn it that one time and I want to wear it again. Also, D helped me pick it out and it is his favorite color (forest green).
Also this weekend I am seeing a movie and having coffee with this guy J. I remain unsure whether it is a date or not. I think it is more casual, but I have no idea what his intentions were when he asked me. Boys, how do they work?
And if it is actually a date, should I be feeling guilty? I don't want to lead poor J on, since I am clearly not over D. But D said during the break-up talk that during a break you are supposed to try dating other people. So maybe I should be trying to date? That just doesn't seem fair to anyone. GAH confused. (Also, is D dating other girls? That thought bothers me still, even though I no longer have any right to be jealous.)
Ehhh whatever. I think I will just try to have fun. And maybe practice my self-confidence skills a bit.
I keep writing blog posts in my head during the day and then not having time to actually type them out. It's funny though, doing that helps me organize my thoughts pretty much just as well. So yeah. My brain is a fun place to be.
I have had thoughts and more thoughts about a lot of things in the past couple weeks, mainly revolving around my career path and around D (of course). But now it is late and I am tired, because for some reason my body has decided that a 6 am wake-up and 11 pm bedtime is the way to go. Boat weeks mess with my body's internal alarm clock, apparently.
A song dedicated to D, which would probably piss him off quite a bit. It might be childish of me to do that, but guess what? I can be childish if I damn well please, so there! (Yes, I totally just stuck my tongue out.)
Ex-girlfriend by No Doubt
Psychiatric spa days. I like it. I work on me. Sounds good. Self-esteem is getting better, as it usually does when I don't binge and weight drops. (18 days of no binging, btw. Go me!!) I've been making an effort to be nice to myself and to socialize with others. I've been making progress with thesis-work. I've been making future plans that don't include D instead of plans that do. I've been being introspective. These are all good things, I think.
Also, interesting article. EDs and heightened intolerance of uncertainty are linked? No way, really?
Plan: if D and I are through for good, I'm taking him completely out of my life. Which might not be very nice, but it will be better for me. It's not healthy for me to anxiety-attack when he gets online. It's not healthy for me to check his FB and see what he's up to (it's also pointless, since he barely uses FB anyway). It's definitely not healthy for me to read through old email and skype exchanges.
If he's no longer a factor in my life, it means I'll probably stay here and do a PhD (pending funding...). I'll either find a place of my own or move in with FH and his two buddies. They are looking for a housemate for next year. And I really like having my own place since I am a pretty private person, but I think it might be healthier for me to live with others. The theory being that it might help me normalize my eating a bit (though I guess that didn't really happen when I was living with LF last year). Plus they are all guys (and mathematicians), i.e., less nosy about private stuff. And they want to get a kitty too. Also, and importantly, it would almost definitely be cheaper. When FH offered the other day, I told him that I wanted to see how things played out with D before I made any housing decisions. So I've got time to decide what I want.
I came home late this evening and thought to myself, "You know, I don't actually have to eat dinner." But I had some soup anyway, since I said I would. That's good; I can tell therapist tomorrow that I'm doing better in the eating department. Sort of. Pretty new number on the scale this morning. I can't see any difference in the mirror though. From the front today I looked okay. From the side and back...whale.
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| NOM seals. |
He confuses me. A lot.
The wedding happens in 10 days. This weekend I am going to go buy a pretty new dress for the 4-hr car ride and art show afterwards with D (assuming that still happens. I'm making back-up plans just in case it doesn't). For the wedding I am going to wear the same dress that I wore for P&H's wedding because I have only worn it that one time and I want to wear it again. Also, D helped me pick it out and it is his favorite color (forest green).
Also this weekend I am seeing a movie and having coffee with this guy J. I remain unsure whether it is a date or not. I think it is more casual, but I have no idea what his intentions were when he asked me. Boys, how do they work?
And if it is actually a date, should I be feeling guilty? I don't want to lead poor J on, since I am clearly not over D. But D said during the break-up talk that during a break you are supposed to try dating other people. So maybe I should be trying to date? That just doesn't seem fair to anyone. GAH confused. (Also, is D dating other girls? That thought bothers me still, even though I no longer have any right to be jealous.)
Ehhh whatever. I think I will just try to have fun. And maybe practice my self-confidence skills a bit.
I keep writing blog posts in my head during the day and then not having time to actually type them out. It's funny though, doing that helps me organize my thoughts pretty much just as well. So yeah. My brain is a fun place to be.
I have had thoughts and more thoughts about a lot of things in the past couple weeks, mainly revolving around my career path and around D (of course). But now it is late and I am tired, because for some reason my body has decided that a 6 am wake-up and 11 pm bedtime is the way to go. Boat weeks mess with my body's internal alarm clock, apparently.
A song dedicated to D, which would probably piss him off quite a bit. It might be childish of me to do that, but guess what? I can be childish if I damn well please, so there! (Yes, I totally just stuck my tongue out.)
Ex-girlfriend by No Doubt
4/17/11
Lesson: don't hike on an empty stomach. Might've been a good idea to eat something before going. I'm still having a hard time eating anything but soup though, and even soup was a struggle tonight. Made my tummy hurt. :(
But the hike was fun and gorgeous and full of waterfalls. And I didn't feel like too much of an outsider. It helped that the cohort broke up into two groups and I was with the smaller one, which consisted of people to whom I am relatively close.
Today I went to the office and got some work done and then went and got some fuzzy fuzzy pretty yarn and treated myself to a movie.
I also bought some new multivitamins. The gummy kind again. I tried the pill kind this morning even though last time they made me nauseous, and guess what? They still make me nauseous. Back to gummies, I guess.
I'm submitting an online assignment right now and I just realized that the prof left comments on my last one. So I went and read them and they are very nice. Full marks for me. :)
One recurring thought that I had last week while freezing my butt off on the boat:
Something I really want--really--is someone to come home to. I want to come home after a long and tiring boat day and have someone meet me at the door, give me a big hug, wrinkle his nose and tell me I smell of fish and to go have a shower. I want someone who will have a surprise bubble bath waiting for me after a 16-hour long day, someone who will cuddle close to me when I finally get to crawl into bed, who will kiss my shoulder and mumble "I love you" before falling back asleep. That just seems so wonderful.
When I think of this stuff, when I picture it, it's always D. I want it to be D. I can't imagine it being anyone else.
Less than 2 weeks until this wedding. What will I do if he doesn't love me still? What will I do if he does?
I don't know, guys. What am I supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to be trying to get over D? How can I move on with all this uncertainty still there?
I'm awfully sorry, but I'm afraid you guys are going to have to put up with the D-angst until June, when we have our "re-evaluation". Because I don't think I am going to be able to move on until I know for sure it's over.
At least I'm not crying over this anymore. Just being all weird and confused in the brain. Which, I guess, is pretty normal for me.
Okay. I'm gonna go ignore my class readings in favor of watching Hulu and knitting a baby hat for my friend's adorable offspring.
But the hike was fun and gorgeous and full of waterfalls. And I didn't feel like too much of an outsider. It helped that the cohort broke up into two groups and I was with the smaller one, which consisted of people to whom I am relatively close.
Today I went to the office and got some work done and then went and got some fuzzy fuzzy pretty yarn and treated myself to a movie.
I also bought some new multivitamins. The gummy kind again. I tried the pill kind this morning even though last time they made me nauseous, and guess what? They still make me nauseous. Back to gummies, I guess.
I'm submitting an online assignment right now and I just realized that the prof left comments on my last one. So I went and read them and they are very nice. Full marks for me. :)
One recurring thought that I had last week while freezing my butt off on the boat:
Something I really want--really--is someone to come home to. I want to come home after a long and tiring boat day and have someone meet me at the door, give me a big hug, wrinkle his nose and tell me I smell of fish and to go have a shower. I want someone who will have a surprise bubble bath waiting for me after a 16-hour long day, someone who will cuddle close to me when I finally get to crawl into bed, who will kiss my shoulder and mumble "I love you" before falling back asleep. That just seems so wonderful.
When I think of this stuff, when I picture it, it's always D. I want it to be D. I can't imagine it being anyone else.
Less than 2 weeks until this wedding. What will I do if he doesn't love me still? What will I do if he does?
I don't know, guys. What am I supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to be trying to get over D? How can I move on with all this uncertainty still there?
I'm awfully sorry, but I'm afraid you guys are going to have to put up with the D-angst until June, when we have our "re-evaluation". Because I don't think I am going to be able to move on until I know for sure it's over.
At least I'm not crying over this anymore. Just being all weird and confused in the brain. Which, I guess, is pretty normal for me.
Okay. I'm gonna go ignore my class readings in favor of watching Hulu and knitting a baby hat for my friend's adorable offspring.
4/16/11
Finally finally got some sleep. I am sore and I have bruises in random spots on my body and a cut on my thumb, but we got some good-looking data so it's all worth it, yes?
Also I got a lot of good thinking done. I don't know what it is about water, but it calms me like no other. I don't know. I've never been able to explain it. Being on the water just makes me happy. This is why I love the beach so much too. Water is my special place.
Anyway. So lots of things happened and I had many thoughts and now I don't know where to start because there was so much.
I'm going hiking with some people from my grad class soon. Some of them are camping overnight, but because I am stupid and disordered I did not feel brave enough to eat dinner and breakfast in front of them (and vegan is no excuse in this situation because a couple others are too, so I know there will be veg-friendly food). I hate ED. I also always feel very awkward in social situations and worry that I ruin them by being there. Especially because I still don't feel that I quite fit in with this group.
After one particularly long boat day in which I was irresponsible and let myself get very dehydrated, I came home and saw a nice number on the scale. It left as soon as I re-hydrated myself, of course, but this morning it was back plus 0.5. So that means I should see it again soon.
I went to the vegan store near my house and bought an excessive amount of food, considering that I actually haven't been eating anything but soup lately. Oh well. I suppose it will just sit in my fridge/freezer until I feel like eating again.
I discovered the holy grail of showers. It is in my basement. The shower in the bathroom next to my room (which I have been using since last September when I moved in) is horribly awful. And one day after the boat I tried to take a shower. Waited 30 minutes and the water was still going from ice-cold to luke-warm. So I went downstairs to the apartment manager's room and told him, very calmly, "I have waited 30 minutes for the upstairs shower to warm up and it has not. I have been on a boat since 5 this morning and I am tired and dirty and I really really REALLY need a shower right now." And he said, "Have you tried the basement shower?" Whoa. There's a basement shower? Turns out, yes, there is. And it is scalding hot with wonderful water pressure. BEST SHOWER EVER. I am never using the upstairs shower again. Though I think that manager is now trying to get it fixed. I guess my mother was right for once--the squeaky wheel does get the grease.
D's been on my brain, but when is he not? Especially because I know that at this very moment he is approximately 3 hours away from me and I know he found out for sure about grad schools yesterday and I have not heard anything from him at all. I feel I am making at least a bit of progress in thinking through things though. I don't know. Too many thoughts and not enough time to talk about them right now. I have to go pick people up for this hiking trip.
I missed you guys. Much hugs and love and probably more strange obsessing and ranting later.
<3
Also I got a lot of good thinking done. I don't know what it is about water, but it calms me like no other. I don't know. I've never been able to explain it. Being on the water just makes me happy. This is why I love the beach so much too. Water is my special place.
Anyway. So lots of things happened and I had many thoughts and now I don't know where to start because there was so much.
I'm going hiking with some people from my grad class soon. Some of them are camping overnight, but because I am stupid and disordered I did not feel brave enough to eat dinner and breakfast in front of them (and vegan is no excuse in this situation because a couple others are too, so I know there will be veg-friendly food). I hate ED. I also always feel very awkward in social situations and worry that I ruin them by being there. Especially because I still don't feel that I quite fit in with this group.
After one particularly long boat day in which I was irresponsible and let myself get very dehydrated, I came home and saw a nice number on the scale. It left as soon as I re-hydrated myself, of course, but this morning it was back plus 0.5. So that means I should see it again soon.
I went to the vegan store near my house and bought an excessive amount of food, considering that I actually haven't been eating anything but soup lately. Oh well. I suppose it will just sit in my fridge/freezer until I feel like eating again.
I discovered the holy grail of showers. It is in my basement. The shower in the bathroom next to my room (which I have been using since last September when I moved in) is horribly awful. And one day after the boat I tried to take a shower. Waited 30 minutes and the water was still going from ice-cold to luke-warm. So I went downstairs to the apartment manager's room and told him, very calmly, "I have waited 30 minutes for the upstairs shower to warm up and it has not. I have been on a boat since 5 this morning and I am tired and dirty and I really really REALLY need a shower right now." And he said, "Have you tried the basement shower?" Whoa. There's a basement shower? Turns out, yes, there is. And it is scalding hot with wonderful water pressure. BEST SHOWER EVER. I am never using the upstairs shower again. Though I think that manager is now trying to get it fixed. I guess my mother was right for once--the squeaky wheel does get the grease.
D's been on my brain, but when is he not? Especially because I know that at this very moment he is approximately 3 hours away from me and I know he found out for sure about grad schools yesterday and I have not heard anything from him at all. I feel I am making at least a bit of progress in thinking through things though. I don't know. Too many thoughts and not enough time to talk about them right now. I have to go pick people up for this hiking trip.
I missed you guys. Much hugs and love and probably more strange obsessing and ranting later.
<3
4/14/11
4/11/11
Ohhh I am so tired. And tomorrow is another early boat day. Meeble.
Today was a bit choppy. Is good leg exercise trying to keep your balance on a tiny boat being tossed around in the waves. Took me longer than usual to get my land-legs back again. Was in the shower afterwards going "whooooaaaaa" *sway*. But there was some sun, so that was nice. And after going through major equipment hell and minor tech hell, we got some good data. Wheee! More things for me to analyze!
And my advisor emailed me about my thesis chapter idea and said that he thought I could actually make 2 chapters out of it, so that is wonderful because I already know what the third chapter will be. Also, he has a manuscript in the works that he wants me to be a coauthor on. HELL YES, I will coauthor! Score!
D has apparently lifted his self-imposed Skype silence, because he has been on pretty much all the time for the past two days. Yesterday in the office I panicked panicked panicked for about 30 mins until I could force the anxiety down enough to get some work done. He has not said one word to me.
I guess he really doesn't want to talk to me.
He's going to be on the west coast this weekend for a meeting, only 3 hours away from me. The original plan was that I'd drive down for the weekend to meet him. During The Break-up Talk, he said he'd email me his flight schedule when he bought tickets so that we could still meet up (as friends only). He has not done that yet. He must have bought his tickets by now; his meeting is in 4 days.
I guess he really doesn't want to see me.
I don't believe that D loves me anymore.
I am sad.
I am not crying though. Just hurting inside.
Sleep time now.
Today was a bit choppy. Is good leg exercise trying to keep your balance on a tiny boat being tossed around in the waves. Took me longer than usual to get my land-legs back again. Was in the shower afterwards going "whooooaaaaa" *sway*. But there was some sun, so that was nice. And after going through major equipment hell and minor tech hell, we got some good data. Wheee! More things for me to analyze!
And my advisor emailed me about my thesis chapter idea and said that he thought I could actually make 2 chapters out of it, so that is wonderful because I already know what the third chapter will be. Also, he has a manuscript in the works that he wants me to be a coauthor on. HELL YES, I will coauthor! Score!
D has apparently lifted his self-imposed Skype silence, because he has been on pretty much all the time for the past two days. Yesterday in the office I panicked panicked panicked for about 30 mins until I could force the anxiety down enough to get some work done. He has not said one word to me.
I guess he really doesn't want to talk to me.
He's going to be on the west coast this weekend for a meeting, only 3 hours away from me. The original plan was that I'd drive down for the weekend to meet him. During The Break-up Talk, he said he'd email me his flight schedule when he bought tickets so that we could still meet up (as friends only). He has not done that yet. He must have bought his tickets by now; his meeting is in 4 days.
I guess he really doesn't want to see me.
I don't believe that D loves me anymore.
I am sad.
I am not crying though. Just hurting inside.
Sleep time now.
4/10/11
Salix = tired bunny. Bleh.
Last night I went to the symphony and it was AWESOME. I got all dressed up in my flowy black concert dress (with a cover-up because it is still very cold here) and cute heels. Sometimes I forget how much fun it is to dress up. I'm always wearing jeans & a sweatshirt with hiking boots/rain boots. I need to find more occasions to wear dresses. This would probably be easier to do if the weather here were warmer.
Weight has been fairly stagnant for 3 days now. But whatever. I'm wearing a size S t-shirt today and I don't look gigantic so I'm trying hard not to care what the scale says. Stupid scale.
Tomorrow and Tuesday and Wednesday are all-day boat days. Which means I will have to eat lunch. Which means, body, that you need to be okay with solid food again. Soup does not work too well on boats. Actually, anything sloshy doesn't work very well on boats. Last time we went out I ended up spilling Powerade Zero all down my front because we hit a wave just as I took a sip.
I'm babbling because I don't want to go do my work. :P I had originally planned to get through some more file analysis this weekend--computer + iPod + no-one else in the lab = happy Salix (because then I get to sing). And then work exploded in my face. Sooooo now I am in the office organizing the boat schedule for this week and then writing a paper and then reading a paper and then writing a paper about the paper I just read. And also at some point loading gear onto the boat. GAH.
I had weird dreams about D last night. In one of them, we were hanging out being all happy and jokey and he said something adorable and I leaned in to kiss him and he pulled away. And then I remembered: I'm not allowed to do that anymore. In the other, I gave him a present (birthday? graduation? I don't know what for) and he HATED it and got really really angry at me.
This song is how I feel today: Vanilla Twilight by Owl City.
 |
| No. No it is not. |
Weight has been fairly stagnant for 3 days now. But whatever. I'm wearing a size S t-shirt today and I don't look gigantic so I'm trying hard not to care what the scale says. Stupid scale.
Tomorrow and Tuesday and Wednesday are all-day boat days. Which means I will have to eat lunch. Which means, body, that you need to be okay with solid food again. Soup does not work too well on boats. Actually, anything sloshy doesn't work very well on boats. Last time we went out I ended up spilling Powerade Zero all down my front because we hit a wave just as I took a sip.
I'm babbling because I don't want to go do my work. :P I had originally planned to get through some more file analysis this weekend--computer + iPod + no-one else in the lab = happy Salix (because then I get to sing). And then work exploded in my face. Sooooo now I am in the office organizing the boat schedule for this week and then writing a paper and then reading a paper and then writing a paper about the paper I just read. And also at some point loading gear onto the boat. GAH.
I had weird dreams about D last night. In one of them, we were hanging out being all happy and jokey and he said something adorable and I leaned in to kiss him and he pulled away. And then I remembered: I'm not allowed to do that anymore. In the other, I gave him a present (birthday? graduation? I don't know what for) and he HATED it and got really really angry at me.
This song is how I feel today: Vanilla Twilight by Owl City.
4/7/11
He is no longer online. Go away, anxiety, you are not needed. He didn't say anything to me. Not a single word. I am unimportant.
Now I have cried today.
More stupid poorly-worded angst, scribbled down at random intervals prior to today's debacle:
We were more
than fishes and clarinets
philosophy and guns
We were
meteor showers
dinosaurs
beach lovers who kissed beneath the stars, got swallowed by the waves
We were
urgent kisses and
awkward touches and
soothing cuddles
We were
a wink and
a grin and
a wolf whistle
and now
We are not.
I can't cut and
I can't vomit and
I can't eat.
But there's no one watching me now, no one to make me try, no one to keep me full.
And when I'm empty enough
maybe the pain leaves
maybe I'll go numb
I was safe
and now I am no longer
I miss you
Now I have cried today.
More stupid poorly-worded angst, scribbled down at random intervals prior to today's debacle:
We were more
than fishes and clarinets
philosophy and guns
We were
meteor showers
dinosaurs
beach lovers who kissed beneath the stars, got swallowed by the waves
We were
urgent kisses and
awkward touches and
soothing cuddles
We were
a wink and
a grin and
a wolf whistle
and now
We are not.
I can't cut and
I can't vomit and
I can't eat.
But there's no one watching me now, no one to make me try, no one to keep me full.
And when I'm empty enough
maybe the pain leaves
maybe I'll go numb
I was safe
and now I am no longer
I miss you
Oh fuck, guys. Fuckfuckfuck. D is online, on Skype, online. For the first time since the break-up. Fuckfuckfuck. What do I do???
I'm not talking to him. I'm not initiating contact. I'm too proud; I won't do it. Especially not after that fucking email.
SAY SOMETHING TO ME, D.
My heart is all racy and I am very anxious right now and the worst part is that I know he's not going to talk to me and so I am getting all worked up over nothing. I'm panicking and panicking and I thought the anxiety attacks were a thing of the past but clearly they are not because I am having the precursory symptoms right now. Breathing. Breathing is good.
I don't believe that D loves me anymore. But fuck do I want him to.
And he is all logical and rational and shit and so of course even if he did want to talk to me, even if he is hurting, he will just tell himself that it has only been a week and that is obviously not enough time, and so he wouldn't talk to me anyway.
FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. I need calm. I need to get offline but I can't make myself do that.
Does this mean he's over me now? After a week? It has been exactly one week, you know.
GAAAAHHHHH.
(But I still haven't cried today.)
I'm not talking to him. I'm not initiating contact. I'm too proud; I won't do it. Especially not after that fucking email.
SAY SOMETHING TO ME, D.
My heart is all racy and I am very anxious right now and the worst part is that I know he's not going to talk to me and so I am getting all worked up over nothing. I'm panicking and panicking and I thought the anxiety attacks were a thing of the past but clearly they are not because I am having the precursory symptoms right now. Breathing. Breathing is good.
I don't believe that D loves me anymore. But fuck do I want him to.
And he is all logical and rational and shit and so of course even if he did want to talk to me, even if he is hurting, he will just tell himself that it has only been a week and that is obviously not enough time, and so he wouldn't talk to me anyway.
FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. I need calm. I need to get offline but I can't make myself do that.
Does this mean he's over me now? After a week? It has been exactly one week, you know.
GAAAAHHHHH.
(But I still haven't cried today.)
I ate 1.5 tangerines at tonight's social. Now my stomach hurts like flippin' hell. Alright body, we'll go back to soup tomorrow. Fair warning though--I'm feeding you chunky tomato-pepper soup for the lunch with H! I'm certain she'd think it odd if I only had broth/miso soup.
In other news, I haven't cried yet today.
I'm taking the evening off and not doing any work at all, since I got through an entire file of data analysis in the lab today. And did not cry. Even when J came up to me at the social and hugged me without warning and poured sympathy in front of others so that I had to explain that D & I broke up. I deserve a little treat tonight. And maybe an early bedtime.
In other news, I haven't cried yet today.
I'm taking the evening off and not doing any work at all, since I got through an entire file of data analysis in the lab today. And did not cry. Even when J came up to me at the social and hugged me without warning and poured sympathy in front of others so that I had to explain that D & I broke up. I deserve a little treat tonight. And maybe an early bedtime.
 |
| For Mich. |
Got my proposal reviews back. Apparently I didn't get funded because my "math background is weak". The reason I only took one math course in undergrad is because I AP'ed out of all the others. Did you not look at my transcript at all? Quote from Reviewer A: "Keep up the good work!" How am I supposed to do that without funding? Thanks, grant agency. Fuck you.
For a 2-minute test in which I clicked on colors, this is actually pretty gosh-darn accurate.
For a 2-minute test in which I clicked on colors, this is actually pretty gosh-darn accurate.
Color Test - Results
Your Existing SituationAuthoritative or in a position of power or leadership. Feels that current difficulties are causing problems and she is unable to progress further. Determined and commanding she strives for her goals despite the obstacles she faces. Your Stress Sources"Feels empty and isolated from others and wishes to overcome this feeling. Believes life has more to offer her than what she was experienced thus far, and doesn't want to miss out on anything. she purses all her goals and dreams, fearful that any missed opportunity will cause her to miss out on even more. Quickly becomes an expert in any field she pursues and can sometimes come off as overbearing and nosy." Your Restrained CharacteristicsCurrent events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation. "Struggles to make her demands clear, but feels ignored. Feels resentful, but acts as if she doesn't care, doing what is necessary to keep peace." "Insists her hopes and ideas are realistic and achievable, but needs encouragement and support. her self-centeredness can cause her to take things too personally." Conceited and is easily insulted. Holds back emotionally but is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity. Conceited and is easily insulted. Holds back emotionally but is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity. Your Desired Objective"Wishes to live in a calm, peaceful, relaxing environment, where everyone gets along and there is a strong sense of belonging." Your Actual ProblemNeeds to find a stable and peaceful environment which will free her of the worries that are preventing her from achieving the things she wants. Your Actual Problem #2"Prefers to be left in peace and avoids arguments, confrontation, and conflicts." |
4/6/11
Therapist asks if I'm sleeping. Yes. That's all I want to do anymore. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep and never wake up.
Therapist asks if I'm eating. Right. I say, "Some. Not enough." The last 5 days intake (not including vitamin calories): 0, 25, 60, 25, 50. I don't tell her that though. I don't want to eat. I'll eat on Friday, when I have lunch with H. I'll eat when D calls me. I'll eat at some point. Just not now.
Therapist says to be kind to myself. That I will hurt for a while but that she thinks I am handling it well so far. Really? I can't go a full day without crying at least once.
I have 640 mg citalopram. 115 mg oxycodone. 3/4 of a bottle of ibuprofen. I wonder what all that would do?
Don't worry; we all know that I'm not going to try. It's just that oblivion is so goddamn tempting.
4/5/11
Annnnd the rejection just keeps coming. No funding for my grant proposal. If D and I were still together, I'd be less upset about it. After all, getting that funding would have tied me here for another 3 years. Now there is nothing at all holding me here once my scholarship runs out, but now that there is no D in the picture, that doesn't matter anymore.
And one of my & D's friends is having a birthday party and he is invited and I am not. She and I have been friends since her freshman year. I'm guessing, rationally, that she didn't include me because she knows I won't be in town. But irrationally I am hurt.
Dammit, universe! Can nothing go my way anymore??
I guess at least my weight is down a tiny bit.
/whine
And one of my & D's friends is having a birthday party and he is invited and I am not. She and I have been friends since her freshman year. I'm guessing, rationally, that she didn't include me because she knows I won't be in town. But irrationally I am hurt.
Dammit, universe! Can nothing go my way anymore??
I guess at least my weight is down a tiny bit.
/whine
4/4/11
I know I'm a bit of a broken record lately, with my D, D, D rants. Bear with me; I swear it will get better soon (I hope).
During the radio silence week, I came upon a cool article about mental representation and cognition in Angry Birds. And saved the link, since D studies cognition and I thought he'd enjoy it. And so I emailed it to him last Friday. It seemed a waste to have saved it and then not share it.
And today I get this in my email:
Fuck you, D. Fuck you fuck you fuck you.
I'm sure he means well. I'm sure his intentions are fucking great, because D is genuinely a nice person. But FUCK. I'm fucking pissed. I'm not sure why exactly this response has sent me into RAGE. Could have something to do with my lack of sleep last night, could have something to do with my period which chose to start at 6 this morning, could have something to do with the hour-long completely pointless conference call I had at 8 this morning, could have something to do with my growing anxiety about my thesis.
But could you get any more FUCKING IMPERSONAL?? I have seen you fucking NAKED, D. It's not like I am a stranger. And FUCK YOU. It's none of your fucking business whether things are going well. And if they're not, it's your own fucking fault. I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU. I TRUSTED YOU. You fucking KNOW how hard it is for me to trust anyone and I TRUSTED YOU and I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU and I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING, even things I didn't think I could give and you threw all that out like it was NOTHING. You fucking signed up for the ride; it's your own goddamn fault that you got carsick and wanted out. And it's not like anything is going to fucking change in the next 2 months. I'm still here and you're still not here and if you can't fucking deal with distance that is your own fucking fault. Relationships are fucking hard! They don't just HAPPEN; you have to fucking WORK AT THEM. And it is your own damn fault that you don't care enough to keep doing that. And maybe that isn't fair of me to say, because I know you tried your best, but clearly your best WASN'T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.
I know, I KNOW I'm overreacting and being irrational and I don't actually mean most of this rant. But it's so much easier to be angry than to be sad. It's easier to blame him than myself. I'm trying to fight against the insidious part of me going "You always fuck everything up; can't ever get anything right. This is your fault, you weren't smart enough/funny enough/pretty enough/skinny enough. You don't deserve him and you never did" and that makes me angry. And really there shouldn't be any blame; none of this is really anyone's fault. But that would be thinking rationally and today I am irrational.
Just FUCK.
He couldn't even be bothered to sign the damn thing.
No response at all would have been better than that.
During the radio silence week, I came upon a cool article about mental representation and cognition in Angry Birds. And saved the link, since D studies cognition and I thought he'd enjoy it. And so I emailed it to him last Friday. It seemed a waste to have saved it and then not share it.
And today I get this in my email:
 |
I'm sure he means well. I'm sure his intentions are fucking great, because D is genuinely a nice person. But FUCK. I'm fucking pissed. I'm not sure why exactly this response has sent me into RAGE. Could have something to do with my lack of sleep last night, could have something to do with my period which chose to start at 6 this morning, could have something to do with the hour-long completely pointless conference call I had at 8 this morning, could have something to do with my growing anxiety about my thesis.
But could you get any more FUCKING IMPERSONAL?? I have seen you fucking NAKED, D. It's not like I am a stranger. And FUCK YOU. It's none of your fucking business whether things are going well. And if they're not, it's your own fucking fault. I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU. I TRUSTED YOU. You fucking KNOW how hard it is for me to trust anyone and I TRUSTED YOU and I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU and I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING, even things I didn't think I could give and you threw all that out like it was NOTHING. You fucking signed up for the ride; it's your own goddamn fault that you got carsick and wanted out. And it's not like anything is going to fucking change in the next 2 months. I'm still here and you're still not here and if you can't fucking deal with distance that is your own fucking fault. Relationships are fucking hard! They don't just HAPPEN; you have to fucking WORK AT THEM. And it is your own damn fault that you don't care enough to keep doing that. And maybe that isn't fair of me to say, because I know you tried your best, but clearly your best WASN'T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.
I know, I KNOW I'm overreacting and being irrational and I don't actually mean most of this rant. But it's so much easier to be angry than to be sad. It's easier to blame him than myself. I'm trying to fight against the insidious part of me going "You always fuck everything up; can't ever get anything right. This is your fault, you weren't smart enough/funny enough/pretty enough/skinny enough. You don't deserve him and you never did" and that makes me angry. And really there shouldn't be any blame; none of this is really anyone's fault. But that would be thinking rationally and today I am irrational.
Just FUCK.
He couldn't even be bothered to sign the damn thing.
No response at all would have been better than that.
4/3/11
Apparently his mom told him I am a jewel. I feel kind of guilty when people compliment me (especially behind my back) because it makes me feel like I have fooled them somehow.
He always listens to Soul Bossa Nova (the Austin Powers theme song) after a break-up. Wonder if he did that this time?
I cued it up on YouTube and did. And then the Pink Panther theme song (for no reason other than I like it and it was there).
Wanna know what else is on the break-up playlist on my iPod? Of course you do. Some of these are left over from the long ago break-up with M. The awful pop ones. M & I had very similar tastes in music, so when I was making that playlist, it was hard to find songs that didn't have some sort of "us" connotation. Except pop music, because he always refused to listen to that. Coincidentally, that summer I was at an isolated field station with 5 other girls who only listened to pop music. Music did not play as integral a part in D & my relationship, so the urge to find songs he'd disapprove of isn't there. But some of the old pop break-up songs still apply.
Anyway. Salix's Break-up Playlist:
Good-bye by Kristinia DeBarge
Bowling Ball by Superchic[k] --(What makes this funny is that D hates bowling.)
You're Nothing Without Me by Belinda Carlisle
No Hard Feelings by Bloodhound Gang
Womanizer by Britney Spears --(Maybe slightly inappropriate. I know D would be pissed if he knew I was characterizing him this way. But going by numbers...I was what, girlfriend #20? 21? He doesn't even know for sure. As LG put it to me once, D likes women. This song was originally on the playlist because I was angry at M for getting together with his next gf so soon after we broke up. In fairness though, they're still together.)
Bust Your Windows the GLEE version (I don't know who does this song originally) --(Because I am a vindictive bitch sometimes.)
Hey Stoopid by Alice Cooper
Shattered Glass by Britney Spears --(I can't believe I have two Britney Spears songs on this playlist. Stop judging me. :/ Another leftover from the M days. But this one is pretty damn applicable to the situation at hand.)
Wishes by Superchic[k] --(This. This, exactly. I'd quote applicable parts, but I'd just end up quoting the whole damn song.)
Hole in the Head by Sugababes
Hush hush; hush hush by the Pussycat Dolls --(More leftovers from M; not as applicable to D.)
Fairytale by Sara Bareilles
Supergirl by Saving Jane --(Nastia Liukin's official theme song)
Brain Stew by GreenDay
I Will Survive by Cake --(Yes, it's a cover. I like Cake. Also, I don't have the original.)
Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love by Van Halen
Beauty from Pain by Superchic[k] --(I ignore the religious overtones.)
Another One Bites the Dust by Queen --(Why yes, I do have a twisted sense of humor.)
Feeling Good by Muse --(Another cover.)
Welcome to my Nightmare by Alice Cooper --(Sick sense of humor again. Plus, the trumpets in this song are sexy.)
Alright. Time to go to the office and get some readings and data analysis done. Gonna be listening to this playlist on repeat, I think. :P
*Edit*
I just realized that D actually would hate at least half the songs on this list. That I managed to do that unintentionally makes me giggle.
He always listens to Soul Bossa Nova (the Austin Powers theme song) after a break-up. Wonder if he did that this time?
I cued it up on YouTube and did. And then the Pink Panther theme song (for no reason other than I like it and it was there).
Wanna know what else is on the break-up playlist on my iPod? Of course you do. Some of these are left over from the long ago break-up with M. The awful pop ones. M & I had very similar tastes in music, so when I was making that playlist, it was hard to find songs that didn't have some sort of "us" connotation. Except pop music, because he always refused to listen to that. Coincidentally, that summer I was at an isolated field station with 5 other girls who only listened to pop music. Music did not play as integral a part in D & my relationship, so the urge to find songs he'd disapprove of isn't there. But some of the old pop break-up songs still apply.
Anyway. Salix's Break-up Playlist:
Good-bye by Kristinia DeBarge
Bowling Ball by Superchic[k] --(What makes this funny is that D hates bowling.)
You're Nothing Without Me by Belinda Carlisle
No Hard Feelings by Bloodhound Gang
Womanizer by Britney Spears --(Maybe slightly inappropriate. I know D would be pissed if he knew I was characterizing him this way. But going by numbers...I was what, girlfriend #20? 21? He doesn't even know for sure. As LG put it to me once, D likes women. This song was originally on the playlist because I was angry at M for getting together with his next gf so soon after we broke up. In fairness though, they're still together.)
Bust Your Windows the GLEE version (I don't know who does this song originally) --(Because I am a vindictive bitch sometimes.)
Hey Stoopid by Alice Cooper
Shattered Glass by Britney Spears --(I can't believe I have two Britney Spears songs on this playlist. Stop judging me. :/ Another leftover from the M days. But this one is pretty damn applicable to the situation at hand.)
Wishes by Superchic[k] --(This. This, exactly. I'd quote applicable parts, but I'd just end up quoting the whole damn song.)
Hole in the Head by Sugababes
Hush hush; hush hush by the Pussycat Dolls --(More leftovers from M; not as applicable to D.)
Fairytale by Sara Bareilles
Supergirl by Saving Jane --(Nastia Liukin's official theme song)
Brain Stew by GreenDay
I Will Survive by Cake --(Yes, it's a cover. I like Cake. Also, I don't have the original.)
Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love by Van Halen
Beauty from Pain by Superchic[k] --(I ignore the religious overtones.)
Another One Bites the Dust by Queen --(Why yes, I do have a twisted sense of humor.)
Feeling Good by Muse --(Another cover.)
Welcome to my Nightmare by Alice Cooper --(Sick sense of humor again. Plus, the trumpets in this song are sexy.)
Alright. Time to go to the office and get some readings and data analysis done. Gonna be listening to this playlist on repeat, I think. :P
*Edit*
I just realized that D actually would hate at least half the songs on this list. That I managed to do that unintentionally makes me giggle.
4/2/11
I was too proud to beg but right now I would if I thought it would change anything.
Please, D. Please love me. Please want me. Please call me and ask for me back. Please don't leave me. Just please.
I have no one because I told everyone I am okay.
H said something about F and I said she had nothing to do with the break-up. H thinks I'm stupid and naive for thinking that.
I sent her a cute picture just in case. A peace offering, an "it's okay" silent acknowledgement of the possibility/probability that D will go after her next. Just like I did a long time ago when I told the girl that M first dumped me for to go ahead and date him.
It hurt more this time than it did then. Or maybe I just don't remember as well.
Please, D. Please love me. Please want me. Please call me and ask for me back. Please don't leave me. Just please.
I have no one because I told everyone I am okay.
H said something about F and I said she had nothing to do with the break-up. H thinks I'm stupid and naive for thinking that.
I sent her a cute picture just in case. A peace offering, an "it's okay" silent acknowledgement of the possibility/probability that D will go after her next. Just like I did a long time ago when I told the girl that M first dumped me for to go ahead and date him.
It hurt more this time than it did then. Or maybe I just don't remember as well.
The verdict is that D feels he is incapable of enduring long-distance any longer.
He said he still loves me. We spent Wednesday and Thursday talking over options.
We are taking a break and re-evaluating in June, when I go home to visit my father after his surgery (exact date unknown as of yet).
I will see D at S's wedding in exactly 4 weeks. We are going as friends only. And then he is driving me to my best friend's art show, which is approximately a 4 hour car trip. That should be interesting.
Exactly 1 year and 5 months. To the day. I wonder if he realized that? I didn't until after the conversation was over.
I don't know how I am feeling.
A strange thing: my FB change from "in a relationship" to "single" garnered sympathy, virtual hugs, "I love you"s from 12 people. D has had no comments on his. I don't know how I feel about this. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should be offended that people automatically think that I am the one dumped, the one jilted, the one to be pitied. Then I realized that was silly and a product of my irrational fear of being perceived as needy and dependent. Now I just feel touched that so many people care. But I wish D had some supportive comments on his status change. I know this is hard on him as well.
Within 20 minutes of it going up on FB I got 2 phone calls. M&J called almost immediately and LG called right after them. Making sure I was okay. That's sweet of them. H called later and chastised me for not telling her what was going on. Thanks, H, that's so helpful. She was annoyed that she had to find out via FB. She also told me that D was "dragging me down" and that this was for the best, which was really not what I needed to hear. But I suppose she means well. B called that night to make sure I was doing okay as well.
People care about me.
My undergrad advisor's wife FB messaged me the next morning: "Do you have a place to stay in X? We are going to the wedding too. Let us know when you will arrive so that we can have you stay with us." It made me cry.
I've cried a lot lately.
I find that I am unable to put most of this into words.
He said he still loves me. We spent Wednesday and Thursday talking over options.
We are taking a break and re-evaluating in June, when I go home to visit my father after his surgery (exact date unknown as of yet).
I will see D at S's wedding in exactly 4 weeks. We are going as friends only. And then he is driving me to my best friend's art show, which is approximately a 4 hour car trip. That should be interesting.
Exactly 1 year and 5 months. To the day. I wonder if he realized that? I didn't until after the conversation was over.
I don't know how I am feeling.
A strange thing: my FB change from "in a relationship" to "single" garnered sympathy, virtual hugs, "I love you"s from 12 people. D has had no comments on his. I don't know how I feel about this. The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should be offended that people automatically think that I am the one dumped, the one jilted, the one to be pitied. Then I realized that was silly and a product of my irrational fear of being perceived as needy and dependent. Now I just feel touched that so many people care. But I wish D had some supportive comments on his status change. I know this is hard on him as well.
Within 20 minutes of it going up on FB I got 2 phone calls. M&J called almost immediately and LG called right after them. Making sure I was okay. That's sweet of them. H called later and chastised me for not telling her what was going on. Thanks, H, that's so helpful. She was annoyed that she had to find out via FB. She also told me that D was "dragging me down" and that this was for the best, which was really not what I needed to hear. But I suppose she means well. B called that night to make sure I was doing okay as well.
People care about me.
My undergrad advisor's wife FB messaged me the next morning: "Do you have a place to stay in X? We are going to the wedding too. Let us know when you will arrive so that we can have you stay with us." It made me cry.
I've cried a lot lately.
I find that I am unable to put most of this into words.
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