During the radio silence week, I came upon a cool article about mental representation and cognition in Angry Birds. And saved the link, since D studies cognition and I thought he'd enjoy it. And so I emailed it to him last Friday. It seemed a waste to have saved it and then not share it.
And today I get this in my email:
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I'm sure he means well. I'm sure his intentions are fucking great, because D is genuinely a nice person. But FUCK. I'm fucking pissed. I'm not sure why exactly this response has sent me into RAGE. Could have something to do with my lack of sleep last night, could have something to do with my period which chose to start at 6 this morning, could have something to do with the hour-long completely pointless conference call I had at 8 this morning, could have something to do with my growing anxiety about my thesis.
But could you get any more FUCKING IMPERSONAL?? I have seen you fucking NAKED, D. It's not like I am a stranger. And FUCK YOU. It's none of your fucking business whether things are going well. And if they're not, it's your own fucking fault. I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU. I TRUSTED YOU. You fucking KNOW how hard it is for me to trust anyone and I TRUSTED YOU and I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU and I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING, even things I didn't think I could give and you threw all that out like it was NOTHING. You fucking signed up for the ride; it's your own goddamn fault that you got carsick and wanted out. And it's not like anything is going to fucking change in the next 2 months. I'm still here and you're still not here and if you can't fucking deal with distance that is your own fucking fault. Relationships are fucking hard! They don't just HAPPEN; you have to fucking WORK AT THEM. And it is your own damn fault that you don't care enough to keep doing that. And maybe that isn't fair of me to say, because I know you tried your best, but clearly your best WASN'T FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH.
I know, I KNOW I'm overreacting and being irrational and I don't actually mean most of this rant. But it's so much easier to be angry than to be sad. It's easier to blame him than myself. I'm trying to fight against the insidious part of me going "You always fuck everything up; can't ever get anything right. This is your fault, you weren't smart enough/funny enough/pretty enough/skinny enough. You don't deserve him and you never did" and that makes me angry. And really there shouldn't be any blame; none of this is really anyone's fault. But that would be thinking rationally and today I am irrational.
Just FUCK.
He couldn't even be bothered to sign the damn thing.
No response at all would have been better than that.
Don't worry. I'm always ranting about B. Things that affect us, affect us. No use trying to shove it under a rug and keep strict watch over content to make sure it directly correlates to...anything.
ReplyDeleteDon't be too harsh with your anger towards him OR yourself. Long distance is some of the hardest shit to do relationship-wise. Even good relationships struggle with the strain of distance. I dated a soldier once and I definitely broke up with him 8 months into his second tour in Iraq. I couldn't take the stress and it wasn't his fault, but it wasn't what I wanted.
It happens. You sign up for something new and you're not sure how it will be, but you're excited to try...and then you discover that it costs more than you have in the bank.
It sucks. But you never really know these things for sure until you do them.
And things not working doesn't have to be a negative reflection on the character of either party. If one person realizes that it's just not something they can do well or at all, it's better to know now than 2 years down the road with more time, emotion, energy and money invested. Right?
I'm probably not helping much. I'll shut up now.
But thank you, for the "I'm turning 30 omg, wtf, bbq" meltdown sympathy. I...will be ok, I think. Soon. Really soon.
I would have reacted in the EXACT same way. You're fine. He's just lazy or .... you know, a stupid boy. Most are unfortunately. UGH so frustrating.
ReplyDeleteAlso, anger doesn't make sense but at the same time it REALLY does. Because anger is just an outward reflection of fear and/or frustration.
Gods I hate guys sometimes...a lot of times...hate them and still....can't help but want them! AH!
I'm not sure if you get notifications of comments on old posts, and I normally wait until I read all the way through the archive before I comment, but I just couldn't help myself this time.
ReplyDeleteHave you noticed that after your break up was one of the few times where you weren't quick to blame yourself? In previous posts you've mentioned how New Therapist keeps telling you to stop twisting things around to blame yourself, that sometimes D IS ACTUALLY to blame.
I just want you to recognize that your initial instinct in this case wasn't to blame yourself, it was to get mad at D, which is the "normal" response (if there is such a thing as normal). Only after you calmed down a bit did the voice in the back of your head pipe back up.
You're right - what happened was no one's fault, but not immediate blaming yourself was actually a really awesome breakthrough, in my opinion :)