I am beyond exhausted right now.  Today has been a very very long day.  And it's only 9 pm.  Gonna try to finish one last paper before sleep.

I think probably the most likely explanation is that D just didn't realize that picture was still up.  There's probably no more meaning beyond the gesture than that.  This is what I'm trying to convince myself anyway.

I'm still anxious about how this weekend is going to go.  He's officially still driving me to L's show, so that's a 4 hour car ride with him.  Gonna be AWKWARD!  Especially if he doesn't have feelings for me anymore.  :/

I don't know.  I feel like I've changed a lot since we stopped talking.  I'm feeling more self-confident, I'm being more assertive, I've been thinking more about me and what I want in life and shit (though goodness knows I am still confused on many of those things), I've been making an effort to be social and hang out with people and I think I'm getting better at that (might also be a factor of me being more self-confident).  I'm liking my body a little more.  (Mostly because I've lost weight.  I am currently a socially acceptable weight for my height.)  Aside from the bouts of crushing sad and the worrisome lack of appetite, I'm actually liking the new Salix quite a bit.  (And to be honest, I don't really mind the lack of appetite, because it takes away most of my food anxiety.  However, not eating = bad Salix.  Planning out meals and then forgetting or not bothering to actually make and eat them is not sustainable or healthy.  I need to work on that.)

And I wonder if he'll be totally different as well.

And I wonder if he still loves me.  And if he'll love the new Salix.

Here are two things that worry me:
1.  D will notice how much weight I've lost.  It's kind of quite a bit.  I still can't really see much change, except in my face and collarbone.  I think my shoulder blades might be sticking out a little more too.  No one here has noticed (or if they have, they haven't commented), but they see me everyday and anyway, I'm always wearing bulky sweaters and such because it is still winter here.  Also, D is more observant than your average person and is/was very familiar with my body.

Anyway, I'm worried that he will notice the weightloss and feel that he is responsible for it (lovely arrogant man).  I don't want him to get back together with me because he feels guilty or responsible or because he thinks I will harm myself if he doesn't.  D has a bit of a white knight complex.  But he is NOT responsible for me or my actions; what I choose to put or not put in my mouth is not his business.  I do not need a saviour.  I do not need to be rescued.  I do not want him to date me out of guilt or pity.  I want him to date me because he wants me.

2.  I worry that this trip will be a trigger and I will stumble back into the awful binging cycle.  I really really really times a million do not want that to happen.  I cannot gain back to where I was before.  I cannot handle daily binges again.  I feel very in-control of food and eating right now and I am loathe to give that up.

BLAH.  I suppose we'll see what happens soon.  Back to work now.

It's Not Magic by Meg Lyman