Lesson: don't hike on an empty stomach. Might've been a good idea to eat something before going. I'm still having a hard time eating anything but soup though, and even soup was a struggle tonight. Made my tummy hurt. :(
But the hike was fun and gorgeous and full of waterfalls. And I didn't feel like too much of an outsider. It helped that the cohort broke up into two groups and I was with the smaller one, which consisted of people to whom I am relatively close.
Today I went to the office and got some work done and then went and got some fuzzy fuzzy pretty yarn and treated myself to a movie.
I also bought some new multivitamins. The gummy kind again. I tried the pill kind this morning even though last time they made me nauseous, and guess what? They still make me nauseous. Back to gummies, I guess.
I'm submitting an online assignment right now and I just realized that the prof left comments on my last one. So I went and read them and they are very nice. Full marks for me. :)
One recurring thought that I had last week while freezing my butt off on the boat:
Something I really want--really--is someone to come home to. I want to come home after a long and tiring boat day and have someone meet me at the door, give me a big hug, wrinkle his nose and tell me I smell of fish and to go have a shower. I want someone who will have a surprise bubble bath waiting for me after a 16-hour long day, someone who will cuddle close to me when I finally get to crawl into bed, who will kiss my shoulder and mumble "I love you" before falling back asleep. That just seems so wonderful.
When I think of this stuff, when I picture it, it's always D. I want it to be D. I can't imagine it being anyone else.
Less than 2 weeks until this wedding. What will I do if he doesn't love me still? What will I do if he does?
I don't know, guys. What am I supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to be trying to get over D? How can I move on with all this uncertainty still there?
I'm awfully sorry, but I'm afraid you guys are going to have to put up with the D-angst until June, when we have our "re-evaluation". Because I don't think I am going to be able to move on until I know for sure it's over.
At least I'm not crying over this anymore. Just being all weird and confused in the brain. Which, I guess, is pretty normal for me.
Okay. I'm gonna go ignore my class readings in favor of watching Hulu and knitting a baby hat for my friend's adorable offspring.
There is uncertainty in every equation. Unknowable outcomes, surprise endings, surprise beginnings (e.p.t. makes a LOT of money off of surprise beginnings!)...but it's how you view the uncertainty that makes it either painfully difficult to deal with or bearable.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, you never get over anything or anyone until you're truly ready to move on, so trying to force it is pointless. Myself, in the long gaps of silence that have occurred in some of my relationships (my first love and I had an off again/on again thing for 10 years. TEN YEARS! haha! and he got married to a VI waitress once to spite me! and then got divorced! and we got back together! lol but that is a whole differently radioactive banana), the most sane thing I learned to do was to work on me...work on becoming the ME I really wanted to be, with or without the guy.
Because that is worthwhile and will benefit you forever; it will also benefit your relationship in both the short and long term. And it is easier to work on oneself when not constantly preoccupied with the day to day negotiations of the relationship.
Not gonna lie...I missed the boy a lot while we were apart, but I used the time like an extended psychiatric spa day. I cleaned out some of the skeletons in my closet, learned some things about myself. Tried new things. Met new people. Flexed new muscles. And when he came back to me, I was bright, shiny and...full of things to discover and share.
I felt like for my own sake, I had to become a better version of myself. To please myself. So I could stand up straighter and know that no matter what he chose to do, I would still be bitchin.
*nods*
Anyway. Thank you for the kind comment, and OMG BOOBS. haha. You might find like a 34F bra to be truly comfortable. My 34C is a compromise. According to my actual measurements, I should be like a 32G but they don't sell those in the store. :/
its always hard moving on, and its understandable that you cant
ReplyDeletedo it until you know for sure its over. i really hope it works out for you, you seem to care alot. that hike sounds lovely! i love places like that! hope yoire alright, x
V8 is good to bring on a hike. Keeps you going without making you feel guilty.
ReplyDeleteI never liked pill vitamins either--I take children's chewable ones. :) The chewables or gummies are better for you anyway, because your body has an easier tome absorbing the vitamins in them.
Hope things work out for the best with D. I don't know what "the best" is , but you deserve to be happy. <3
xoxo
FUZZY FUZZY WOOL! :D *Squeals of joy* Ahem, sorry! XD
ReplyDelete'Tis understandable you'll be angsting until you have closure on the situation. If he's fallen out of love you'll find someone better (I really don't think he deserves you, to be hairy-balls honest!) and if he's still in love and willing to make this shit work, then AWESOME! Just take each day as it comes, ok?
I'm glad I'm not the only person who has those thoughts. It seems to be something that comes with the obsession, no? I guess so long as we can realize that they are NOT good things to be jealous of, we're still decent people.
OMG YES I would totally hang out with you! :D That would be the BEST THING EVER and I could introduce you to some really hot guys :p (Just in case) You'd definitely have to come to my Birthday if you're here in November, of course. Mum no longer works at the bakery, so the scariest thing on the table would be the pav. Sound cool?
I hope you had fun knitting and watching Hulu, Imma go rage at YouTube some more. You have a good night with your feet up, ok?
LOVE YOU!!! <3