Therapist asks if I'm eating. Right. I say, "Some. Not enough." The last 5 days intake (not including vitamin calories): 0, 25, 60, 25, 50. I don't tell her that though. I don't want to eat. I'll eat on Friday, when I have lunch with H. I'll eat when D calls me. I'll eat at some point. Just not now.
Therapist says to be kind to myself. That I will hurt for a while but that she thinks I am handling it well so far. Really? I can't go a full day without crying at least once.
I have 640 mg citalopram. 115 mg oxycodone. 3/4 of a bottle of ibuprofen. I wonder what all that would do?
Don't worry; we all know that I'm not going to try. It's just that oblivion is so goddamn tempting.
I'm here.
ReplyDeleteWhat would all that do? I can tell you from experience:
ReplyDeleteif you take those pills with a glass of wine, and then go sit in a nice bubblebath...after about 30 minutes, you will start to feel very relaxed. And then 10 minutes after that, you will get a slight stomach ache. The stomach ache will turn to a feeling of coldness and anxiety despite the temperatures in the tub. You might experience some tremors, strange organ pain (liver and pancreas in particular) and then your pulse will start to race. Your heart will beat like a drum, and each beat will hit your head like a sonic boom. Your veins will feel like they are full of lead.
You might attempt to make some phone calls, maybe. You will have slurred speech, disorganized thoughts, inability to process what is being said and eventually the slur will turn into full blown mush-mouth as your lips and tongue refuse to obey.
If you're lucky, this is where you will spontaneously puke your guts out and someone lucky will keep you awake for the next 6-8 hours so that you don't die in your sleep from toxicity.
If you do make it through the night, the next morning, your insides will feel like you drank battery acid. Everything will hurt. Your skin will ache. The dark circles beneath your eyes will sting. Your hands will shake. You will not be able to keep food down, even if you want it. You will feel like shit for the next 2 days straight.
I hope that satisfies your curiosity and qwells any temptation you might have to mix pills and overdose on them. Don't do it. It fucking sucks and is in no way, shape or form a calming or relaxing experience.
I'm so, so sorry oblivion seems even vaguely appealing to you.
Text me if you feel like you need any reminders to stay out of the pills.
xo
I want to say something stupid here, like "time heals all wounds" blah blah blah.
ReplyDeleteIt will, but that doesn't help you now. You're a strong gal and this will eventually make you stronger. Fight <3