Too much work (that I am not doing) and too few words.
Too much food.

I wish I knew what I weigh.  I need a scale.  In 3 days it will be back to my apartment and I can see how much I've gained.  I can't see a gain in my collarbone or in my face, but I have been eating and eating and eating so I know I have gained.  I told this to D yesterday and he said, "Actually, you have been eating really normally lately.  And I have been thinking you are slimming up a bit.  I didn't want to say so, because with you that's kind of a loaded statement...your metabolism must be getting back toward normal."

Bullshit.  I am fat.

I don't want to go back to school.  I am just waiting to be caught out as a failure, to finally have someone realize that I do not actually belong in a graduate program.  That I have not accomplished anything since I got there.

I just want to stay under the covers and sleep my life away.

Happy Christmas, everyone!  I love you!

Again again apologies for the lack of posting.  It is more difficult to do here at D's with others around.  His cousins are coming to visit tomorrow and so there will be many many people and probably no alone time.

D is stressed and cranky and tired and it makes him much shorter with me than usual.  And I overreact as I always do and that is just a recipe for badness and hurt feelings.

But today we cuddled up and watched some tv and I fell asleep on his lap and it was good.

I am eating too much and all the time and I can't handle it.

I am not getting any work done.  I curl up with blankets and read and read and eat.  I have no motivation to do thesis work.  Every day that I procrastinate just builds the load up more and it is at the point where I cannot bear to face it anymore.  My tower is toppling and burying me in rubble.

Of course, the upside to that is that I don't feel like eating.

Sorry for no posting.  I suck.

Went home.  Came back.  Wasn't too bad.  Stayed in the hotel with D and did not visit family alone so there was no binging.  That's good.

I feel really unwanted and unnecessary and unattractive today.

I miss you guys.

I take it all back.  Every word.

And in the interest of privacy and innuendo, that is all I shall say about that!

I'm freaking out hardcore about food still, though.  Oh well.

I am at D's and I am tired.  Again.  Still.  When am I not tired?  I have purple-y spots around my eyes.  Maybe tonight I will get to sleep.

D tells me I am wonderful and beautiful and everything anyone could ever want.  Why is it not enough?  I know he's not going to make a move in his mom's house with her upstairs.  Too bad we didn't go by his apartment first.  I wore cute panties and everything.

Pffft even if we had I bet nothing would have happened.  I hate feeling like he doesn't want me.  I know it's not true.  If he didn't want me he wouldn't be with me.  We wouldn't be planning a future together.

I just want to feel sexy for once.  I know I'm fat and awkward and unattractive, but even we fatties want to be desired.  Maybe I read too many junk romances as a kid.  Maybe the real world doesn't work like that.

New therapist says I always twist things around so that I can blame myself for them.  She says everything is not my fault.

But I'm still thinking, "If only I were skinny.  If I were skinny and pretty he would want me."

Today I am confused.  Not about anything, specifically.  Just...confused.

I feel like I am on the edge of a realization, of something thought-worthy, of something insightful but my brain won't cooperate and I cannot think today and I have other work I ought to be doing anyway.

Sometimes I feel like I am not coherent anymore.  Or maybe I mean cohesive.  What is holding me together?  I am I am I am.  I am not?  I don't know.  I am confused.

I did eat yesterday.  More than I wanted, less than I could have.  Success?  Failure?

Today I am drinking calorifically horrible but delicious drinks.  Caramel apple spice.  Mango juice.  Good?  Bad?

Maybe neither.  Maybe nothing is good or bad or success or failure.  Maybe things just are.

I don't know what to say anymore.  I am still on that edge.

The thing about not eating is that you lose so much so fast the first few days.  In two days I have lost 13.5 lbs.  Yeah, I know it is pretty much all water & food weight, but still.  Do you have any idea how triggering it is to lose that much so quick?  (Of course you do.  You've probably all gone through it.)

Yesterday: 5 baby carrots, 5 green grapes, 1 celery stick = 45 cals.  Plus 3 cups of coffee which had me going off the walls.

Today I will eat something.  That feels like such a weird goal to have.  I don't want to eat.  I don't need to eat; I have enough fat on my body to sustain at least a month of fasting.

But not eating will only lead to a binge.

And D would be unhappy.

Still.  I don't feel like eating today.  I don't even want to think about it.

I have on my desk 11 green grapes (~45 cals) and two clementines (40 cals each).  I will eat something today.

SO MUCH WORK.

SO LITTLE TIME.

...

SO MUCH COFFEE.

...

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Today I cleaned and rearranged my entire room.  And it was good.  Now my bed is sandwiched between my desk and the wall, with the bookcase at the foot of the bed.  It makes a cozy corner for me to curl up in.  It also leaves a large space in the rest of the room, so if I get a Kinect I will have space to play with it.  (I played DanceCentral with a friend a few weeks ago and I am absolutely in love.  I can't force myself to the gym lately because I am SO FUCKING FAT but this would be a workout I could do in my room...and it's really fun.  Plus, who knows?  I might learn to dance a little.  My current dancing is like the spastic flailing and jerking movements of an upset chihuahua.  I know I'm a musician and should be able to keep beat...and I can in my head...but my body doesn't follow it at all.)  I don't know.  We'll see.  My parents don't give xmas presents and I could never accept something like that from D because that is WAY too much money to spend on me.  So I would have to get it for myself.  And that depends largely on $$$.  (Doesn't it always?  We grad students are a poor lot.  One of my friends in the program, J, was joking with us the other day that bananas are her new favorite fruit because they are so cheap.)

That's another thing about binges.  NOT COST-EFFECTIVE.

Today I haven't binged though.  :)

I haven't eaten, either.  I walked to the coffee shop on my street and got a soy cappuccino about half an hour ago, just so that I would have something with some calories besides the daily vitamins.  (And also because coffee is GOOD and I need to stay up later so I can finish this essay because I took a nap earlier instead of working on it.)  I should probably have some dinner, but I don't really feel like eating.  So maybe I won't.

Is this a flipping of the switch?  God, I hope so.  I am so ready to be in control again.  I'm thinking about just camping out in my office this week.  I am safe there.  It's as big as my dorm room in college was, and there's showers and stuff downstairs, so it's totally do-able.  Maybe I will.

I am wondering how the trip to D's will be this time.  On the one hand, I can't SERIOUS-BINGE there...on the other, I'll be eating 3 meals per day and some of those at restaurants.  Because D likes eating out, and he never skips meals.  He gets very very cranky when he is hungry.  And if I eat an entire restaurant portion I feel out-of-control and huge.

Here's an example from over Thanksgiving:
Breakfast: tomato sandwich (mustard, tomato, cabbage leaf because he didn't have any lettuce on a slice of 100-cal flat bread)--okay.  Totally in control and feeling fine.
Lunch:  we went to a lunch & movie place and I ate the entire veggie burger AND serving of fries--NOT ok.  Felt like a binge.
Dinner:  pizza with D and friend.  Usually I have to get a separate sandwich or salad because of the vegan thing but it turns out that the pizza place had added vegan cheese to their menu, so we shared a veggie pizza.  I had TWO size-able slices.  D had 2 as well, but only because I told him that he should have another so that I could have another.  Friend only had 1 slice.  Also I didn't have water to drink as is my norm...I had LEMONADE.  WITH A REFILL.--NOT OK.  Felt like a huge binge (esp. considering lunch) and made my tummy hurt something awful.  Told D this later when I was asking for stomach medication and he told me I was being ridiculous and I'd had the amount a normal person eats.  NOT TRUE.  I may have had the amount HE eats, but he is all athletic and skinny skinny with a metabolism I would die for.  And a very flat tummy.  Which I like kissing.  I can't believe I am body-envious of my boyfriend.  (He really is gorgeous though.)

Anyway though.  So visits with D curb the HOLY-GOD-EVERYTHING-IN-THE-HOUSE type binge, but they increase the likelihood of socially-acceptable binge.  Which is just not acceptable at all really.

I need to be more careful this time.  Especially since we are visiting my parents which is always always binge-inducing.  I don't think I can stay in that house.  I can't.  I am going to beg D to let me stay at the hotel with him.

And maybe it's just that the number on the scale was so high yesterday and it terrified me and that I haven't eaten today and I feel so good, but I remember what it's like to be empty empty and light and losing all this horrific mass, and I want that again.  So badly.

And now my head is thinking and plotting and planning and wondering.  How little can I get away with without D noticing?  How much can I lose?  


Not healthy, Salix.  You are supposed to be getting better.  D thinks you are making such progress.  HA.

It's progress to me if I stop binging.  But I'm pretty sure D would not see starving as progress.  Nor would new therapist.

Maybe I just won't tell them.

Who am I kidding though?  These lovely empty days never last.

RED TIDE OF DOOOOOOOOM.  I hate this time of the month.  No wonder I've felt so shit lately.

One week to D!

Carrot sticks and skittles.  I had skittles for breakfast this morning.  I don't even like skittles.  GAH.

Also I broke the coffee maker this morning.  But only after it had already made a cup of coffee, so that's ok.  Yes, I am an addict.

And tonight I am being sociable (GASP) and going out with some people from my department.  Should be fun.  :)

Tomorrow is Friday!  Happy Friday!  (And only one week until I go back to D's house!)

My tummy hurts and I overslept this morning and I am tiredtiredtired.  Only 9 more days until classes are out and I fly back to D.  He's taking me to visit my parents too, but let's not talk about that.

Today I am leaving the office early because I feel like it.  Also I want to take a nap before class tonight.  Also also I told A (one of my labmates) that I would go by the store and get some coffee so the lab will finally have coffee again.  Oh boy.  The excitement.  I don't want to go to the store.  It is too scary.  I don't feel controlled and so I am afraid of all the food.  Maybe I will buy myself a bag of carrot sticks.  Maybe that will keep the binge monster at bay.

What the fuck is wrong with me???  This is NOT NORMAL.

I am with D and I am so happy.  Flying back home tomorrow, but only 2 weeks after that until winter break when I will see him again!

I let him read through this blog again.  I've told him I think I would be ok with him having access to it, as long as he asks me for permission each time he wants to read it (so that I know when he will be).  I reserve the right to change my mind on this.

He says he loves me and he thinks I've made a lot of progress.  He says he's proud of me.

He also says that he is grateful that I seem to have such a supportive and loving community.  Thank you, guys, for being here for me.  You are all wonderful.

200th post.  I feel like it should be something special, but I am too lazy/tired to do anything for it.

At least it should be of a success rather than a failure.

I ate breakfast this morning (banana and skinny soy cinnamon dolce latte.  Because it was cold and snowy and we've run out of coffee in the office).  So I am counting that as a success.

Flight out is tomorrow!

News flash: I should stop reading any sort of online article about eating disorders.  Especially the inevitable commentary following.

It just makes me SO ANGRY (and NO, I will NOT link to the article, which was about whether today's media causes eating disorders because a) I refuse to support shoddy journalism and ignorant commenters and b) I don't want to inadvertently trigger anyone.  And I know that it is triggering because as I am reading this SHIT I am thinking to myself that because I am not in double digits that I am not actually disordered and that ALL of my fears about being judged are OMG TOTALLY RATIONAL!!!111!  Note that this is the same reason that I should NEVER read any sort of "Fat Acceptance" article, because at least half of the comments are OMFG FAT PEOPLE ARE ONLY FAT BECAUSE THEY ARE UNHEALTHY, GREEDY, LAZY SLOBS AND THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO SUPPORT FAT ACCEPTANCE ARE FAT BITCHES THEMSELVES WHO JUST DON'T WANT TO DO ANY WORK.  Which is just not fucking true.)

People do not CHOOSE to be anorexic or bulimic.  At NO POINT IN MY LIFE did I say, "Huh.  I want to lose some weight.  I should stop eating." or "Wow, I feel pretty shitty right now.  Maybe I should eat everything in the goddamn fridge to stop from feeling this way."  IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT BEING THIN.  THERE ARE FRICKEN' BRAIN ALTERATIONS, PEOPLE.  PERSISTENT BRAIN ALTERATIONS. CHANGES IN CHEMISTRY AND STRUCTURE.

It's not a fucking choice.  It is a disease.  And you cannot simply CHOOSE to get better.  You can choose to fight it.  You can choose to get therapy.  You can't choose to all-of-a-sudden one day start eating normally again.  I mean, hell.  If it were that easy, I'd be eating 3 meals a day right now and not binging at all anymore.

I talk about a switch flipping in my control, but THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT IT WILL EVER FLIP ME BACK TO 'NORMAL'.  Even when I was eating 3 meals a day and not binging I STILL HAD ALL OF MY FUCKED-UP THOUGHTS AND NEUROSES ABOUT BODY AND FOOD.

THEY DON'T JUST GO AWAY.

Eating disorders are NOT DIETS.  They are NOT solely behavioral.  THERE ARE MENTAL ISSUES.  THAT IS WHY THEY ARE FUCKING CLASSIFIED BY THE DSM AS MENTAL DISORDERS.  And there ARE genetic components (twin studies suggest 50-80% genetic contribution.  Similar to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder).  SCIENCE SAYS SO.  That does NOT mean that they are solely genetic.  OKAY, PEOPLE?  SAYING THAT EDS HAVE A GENETIC COMPONENT DOES NOT MEAN THAT IF YOU HAVE THAT GENETIC PREDISPOSITION THAT OMG YOU CANNOT FIGHT IT, ED WILL TAKE YOU OVER.  Nature AND nurture, guys.  Every-goddamn-thing that you have a genetic predisposition for does not come to pass.  I have a genetic predisposition for immune system disorders.  I do have psoriasis, but have I had complete kidney failure like my father?  NO.  If genetics alone determined our lives, I'd be FUCKING DEAD right now.  YOUR DNA CODE CANNOT MAKE YOU FAT; NEITHER CAN IT MAKE YOU STARVE OR BINGE OR PURGE.  That's why it is called a PREDISPOSITION not a DETERMINATION.

And a HUGE FUCK YOU to people who think that ED is only a modern-day phenomenon brought on by the media.  Anorexia has been characterized back to the 16th century.  And hey, fasting girls of the 19th century?  TOTALLY HAPPENED.  THERE WAS A HUGE THING ABOUT IT.  HOW DID YOU MISS THAT?  The only reason that we think that ED is more prevalent today is that there is more attention placed on it.

Also, WHY THE FUCK is "anorexia tips" the second choice in the Google prompts list (second only to "anorexia")?  GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, PEOPLE.

IT'S A DISEASE.  YOU DON'T FUCKING WANT IT.  TRUST ME.

Difficulties in Treating ED Patients

I'm a frustrating being.

Disjointed thought time.

I am intensely gargantuan.  My weight is officially in the HOLY FUCKING GOD category.  I shouldn't have weighed myself 5 minutes ago.  At 8:30 pm.  After a day of food.  Fuck.

I wish I were starving again.  What happened to my control?  I know I am supposed to be recovering and that is certainly not a healthy wish at all, bad Salix, but anything, ANYTHING would be better than this constant binging.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.  Or spend the rest of my life being cuddled by D.  Which is more preferable but less likely given that he is a normal human being who does need to eat sometimes and therefore would not be able to remain in bed with me 24/7.

I've realized I'm particularly symptomatic (read: bingey) when I am down on myself.  New therapist thinks that there is some need (emotional, not nutritional) that is going unaddressed and that my binging is actually me trying to fill that need the only way I know how (i.e., to suffocate my emotions with food).

Binging is the only thing that I do for myself, it is true.  Every other thing I do is, to some extent, for someone else--living up to expectations, etc.  The only thing that is all mine only mine is binging starving behavior.  That's probably not healthy.  I should find more things to do for myself.  The problem is that I never feel like I deserve those things.

Whereas of course I deserve to binge.  Because that is a fucking punishment.  It makes me feel awful and gross and sick.  I binge on foods I don't even fucking LIKE.  It's like I am trying to hurt myself as much as possible.

I don't get it.  There's no logical rationale behind that.

*WARNING: THERE IS A WHOLE FUCKING LOT OF TMI IN THIS POST.  PRETTY MUCH ALL OF IT RELATES TO MY SEX LIFE.  YOU READ IT AT YOUR OWN RISK*

I'm going to bitch for a bit now, because I need to vent to someone.  You're welcome to skip it if you want though.

I love D to bits and pieces; he is sweet and wonderful and amazing, but honestly?  Sometimes he really doesn't get it.  He's so uncomfortable talking about sex-type stuff.  AND I'm the first girl he'd ever really gone down on, and his reaction?  Was that I was really salty.  (TMI, I know.  Sorry.  It's relevant.)  He still does it sometimes, when I ask, but I know he doesn't like it and so I can't enjoy it either.  And I just feel repulsive and gross and unappealing.

We don't have sex because he is waiting for marriage.  And he's not very good at expressing what he wants in bed.  So I always end up being the aggressor which SUCKS because I can't tell if he really wants it or not.  I feel like I am forcing him.  I feel like a fucking RAPIST, for god’s sake!  (Is that offensive?  Probably.  Sorry, guys.)

Please forgive me for all this personal stuff.  I don't know why I am so messed up over it today.  I just want to feel sexy for once.  I know he loves me, and I feel loved, but I don't feel desired.

Is that so much to ask for?  I want him to SHOW me I am sexy, not just tell me.  Words are only words and they don’t mean all that much.  Maybe that is asking a lot.  I hate my body so much that it would probably take a gargantuan effort to even make me begin to think I might be considered sexy.  But couldn’t he at least try?

It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even orgasm with him.  (TMI again.  Sorry again.  I need to get this out.)  Because I’m too busy worrying whether he is enjoying himself or not.  Whether he’s grossed out by my body or my reactions or the way I feel or taste or whatever.  I can’t relax.  I mean, it’s not like I ever orgasmed readily anyway.  I have a hard time even making myself come.  I’m just not a very sexual person in that way, I guess.  But still.  I get so wound up about whether he actually wants to be touching me in that way or he is just doing it because he feels he has to that I can’t even enjoy it anymore.  And I know that he feels bad that he can’t make me come.  And I start to consider faking it because I am a damn good faker; I did it all the time with M so I have learned how to fake-orgasm extremely well.  But I can’t do that because I promised D I wouldn’t.  And what would that accomplish anyway?  I guess he’d feel better about himself.  But I sure wouldn’t get much out of it.

Maybe it'll change when I see him again?  Maybe I'm only feeling this way because we've been apart for so long?

Maybe this time, if we even get any alone time this break/if he even WANTS alone time this break, I’ll be able to relax a bit.  Maybe this time I’ll feel sexy.


(And please don't tell me it's probably my body issues that are keeping me from feeling sexy.  I fucking KNOW that.  What I don't know is how to FIX that except lose weight which I can't do because I keep fucking BINGING all the goddamn time.)

Only 3 days until I get to see D again.  I can't wait.  We skyped last night and he looks delicious.  His hair's getting long and he's a little scruffy in the facial hair department.  Maybe it's just that I haven't gotten to see him in so long...but I am absolutely lusting after this man.  Hormones = OUT OF CONTROL.

I would post a picture so that you could see the incredible drool-worthy scrumptious-ness that is my boyfriend, but I am almost 100% certain he would not be happy with that.  So I won't.  You'll just have to use your imagination.  (Helpful hints: he's tall and slim, with dark curly hair and the bluest eyes I've ever seen.)

Anyway though.  I'm looking forward to seeing him so much that it is ridiculous.  And I really really hope that I am not building it up too much in my head.  I don't want to be disappointed.

And I am kinda worried about food and weight and eating.  I've gained weight since he saw me last.  I'm a huge blob.  UGH.  And I've been failing spectacularly at eating 3 meals a day and not binging lately.  So yeah.

And I'm already stressing and being neurotic about Thanksgiving dinner with his family.  His mother and sister are both slim and gorgeous.  His brother's wife is too.  I am going to be the fattest one there.  Food shouldn't be too bad; since I am vegan and they are not, I won't have to handle lots of options.  Though D said he wants to make something special for me.  Lovely man.  He's so sweet and thoughtful.  I wish that adorable gestures like that didn't make me panic.  Because it really is cute that he likes to cook for me.  It's just that when he does, I have to eat it.  Because I don't want to hurt his feelings.  He's a great cook.  His food is tasty.  But it's still stressful.  Plus he uses obscene amounts of olive oil when he sautees things.  I know olive oil is not horribly unhealthy.  But it is oily and greasy and has so many calories I can't stand it.

And I can't get away with just picking because his father always comments on how little I eat.  Last time we had dinner with him we went out to a Thai place and D and I shared an entree because I was having a neurotic food day and D is amazing and wanted me to feel more comfortable.  And his father kept asking if we were sure that would be enough for us.  Do you know how large a portion of curry is?  It's fucking huge.  There was enough for both of us plus leftovers.  (Which I ate the next day in a semi-binge.)

His dad is great and calls me sweetie and really is very nice.  It's just that any comments on food, particularly if it indicates that people are paying attention to what is going in my mouth stress me out like crazy.

And I just want them to like me SO BAD.  D says they do.  But what if I do something wrong?  I need to do everything right so they continue liking me and approving of our relationship.  D is very close to his family.  Much more so than I am with mine.  If they disapproved of me then that would be a huge strain on us.

I can't believe I'm actually staying at his mom's house over Thanksgiving and winter break.  I'm so afraid I will do something wrong.  I can't handle this.

And it's not like I should be stressing about Tgiving dinner.  God knows I haven't had a problem with stuffing my mouth lately.  But I am so fat and I fear they will all be looking at me thinking "she really doesn't need to be eating that."  And I can't eat anything lately without being horribly conscious of every bite unless it is a binge.  I can't eat.  Unless I'm binging.  How fucked is that?

Salix + grad school = FAIL.

So today we had an in-house conference.  I gave a presentation.  I got lots of nice comments.  I also volunteered as a ballot-counter.  So yeah.  I got to see everyone's scores.  I had the lowest.

Now to write a 15 page proposal that's due tomorrow morning...(I still need 5 more pages because I did the pre-proposal and then did jack-all else because I've been working on OTHER SHIT)

Definitely spending the night in the office tonight.

FUCK.

Update:  So people have been stopping me in the halls today to tell me how much they liked my talk.  FUCK YOU, JUDGES.

Wow, guys.  Thanks for all the comment love!

I guess I was kind of confusing; let me clarify.  Those were all entries from a file of random thoughts that I have on my computer.  They were all written at some point over this last summer.  (Not all at the same time, but I don't track dates, so I don't remember precisely when for each one.)

1.  I don't really believe that I'm not skinny enough to be disordered.  I mean, I'm not skinny at all.  But I know that you don't have to be skinny to have an ED.  In fact, most bulimics are at or above average weight.  Compulsive overeaters and binge-eaters tend to be above average weight.  The only DSM-categorized ED that requires you to be skinny is anorexia (BMI<17.5).  That entry was just me feeling angry at myself.

2.  Dr. Therapist is the therapist I was seeing last summer.  I came to the same conclusion as you guys: even if she didn't think she was ED anymore, she still had food issues.  I no longer see her anymore.  I am now seeing New Therapist, whom I like a lot better.  I feel much more comfortable with her.  She uses more cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques, which is nice.  Dr. Therapist was trained in talk therapy, but she was primarily a psychiatrist.

3.  I am trying to recover.  My progress is just really slow.  I'm working on not minimizing my problems...it's just that I have for so long that it is difficult to break that habit.  New Therapist is helping, I think.  So far I'm still at Step 1 in terms of food: eating 3 times a day, not skipping meals and not binging, and hitting between 1000-1500 calories (my brain can't handle any higher than that).  Haven't been doing so well reaching that goal lately.  But I'm trying.  I'm making more progress in identifying unhealthy/irrational cognitions, I think.  I haven't exactly figured out how to fix them, but at least I can now recognize them.  New Therapist is helping a lot with that.

4.  Sorry, Peri, the talk on trout was one in an entire section of a conference last July and I don't remember which specific one it was.  Might've been about genetics of lake trout?  I don't recall.

5.  Kazehana, that's an interesting suggestion about getting over crushes.  I have to admit, I've never tried it.  I should.  I don't tend to have many crushes, but when I do they are pretty long-term.  Maybe your technique will fix that.

6.  Thanks for all the drink suggestions (both alcoholic and non-alcoholic)!

7.  Seriously, thank you all so much for being here for me.  Your comments and support mean so much.  Give yourself a big hug, ok?  Then go take a hot bubble bath with your favorite scents.  You deserve it for being so awesome.

Lots of love,

Salix

P.S.  I talked to D this morning and we are ok.  Plus, only one week until I get to see him again.  :)

D and I had a fight and I can't sleep and it's 4 in the morning and I have to get up to go into the office at 6.  So here's some more random stuff.  Things you did not know about Salix.

Wendy’s is the after-meet treat.  All the other girls, the popular ones, go out together with their mothers and the coaches.  No boys allowed.  This is a girl’s game, a girl’s arena.  The dads belong in the background, offering their support in the form of money and disinterest.  The girls giggle and gossip, adrenaline still rushing through their veins.  The moms chat with each other and the coaches.  Stage mothers thrive here and tempers run rampant.  There are undercurrents to the conversation, pushing and pulling.  Manipulating.  The moms all want their child to be the best, to be the favorite.  They have their own little circles; they run subtle campaigns against each other.  It’s not only the athletes who compete in this sport.

We never joined this group.  I didn’t fit in.  Mom didn’t fit in.  We weren’t thin and pretty.  We weren’t talented.  Mom was too blunt, not subtle enough to sustain the falsely complimentary banter in which the other moms communicated.  We’d get in the car and drive.  If I’d done well, we’d stop at Wendy’s and I’d get an order of fries.  If I’d done poorly, I’d get a lecture.  I’ve never been sure precisely what constituted as poorly.  Usually it was if I hadn’t placed first in everything.  Sometimes it was even when I did place first.  The perfect 10.0 is a construct.  There’s no such thing as perfection in gymnastics.  There’s always one more landing you could’ve stuck, one jump that could’ve been higher, one toe that wasn’t quite pointed hard enough.

Mom criticized.  I sat in the back seat, staring out into blackness.  I watched my reflection in the window.  Secretly I always liked the way I looked at those times.  Pale face, huge eyes.  The window was smudged enough that I couldn’t see the tears silently rolling down my cheeks.  The best tactic was to be quiet.  If she realized you were crying it would only get worse.

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I sit in Dr. Therapist’s office, on the chair furthest from her desk.  I am projecting hostile body language: legs crossed, arms around my body, hunched forward.  I don’t bother to correct myself; why bother pretending to be open and happy when I am not?  She’s never mentioned it, so maybe she doesn’t notice.

Dr. Therapist used to have an ED.  She tells me this at our very first appointment.  “I used to be anorexic,” she says.  “Then I went to college and became a majorette and eventually started to like my body again.”  At a later session, she gives a few more details.  “I was 5’3’’ and got down to 98 lbs.  Never diagnosed as an anorexic, but I was.  I’ve been on a diet ever since.”  I am wondering how this qualifies her to counsel me.  I’m not anorexic.  I’m way too fat.

We are talking about food and food habits.  “You just need to build healthy habits,” she says.  “It took me a year to create my habits, but you keep at it and it becomes automatic.”  I expect her to start talking about nutritionists and creating balanced meals but she surprises me.  Instead, she tells me how she has lunch every month with her son at the Grille down the street and how she always substitutes the side potatoes for a healthier option.  “I don’t eat white foods,” she says.  I tell her about having to drink 3-4 quarts of water daily for kidney stones and she nods approvingly.  “I always drink seltzer water,” she advises, “it has no calories and it fills your stomach.”  I nod.  All ED patients know this trick.  The no-white-foods rule is a common one too.  Cauliflower is the only safe food that is white.  Rice, bread, potatoes…too many calories.  Too dangerous.

“Bulimia is the out-of-control.  Anorexia is extremely tight control,” she tells me.  I think she is trying to say that I need to find somewhere in the middle, but that’s not what I’m hearing.  I’m hearing that I am out of control.  I’m hearing that I’m a failure.  I’m hearing that her 17-year-old self was stronger than me and that’s why I’m fat and she wasn’t.  I’m hearing, “Starve.  Starve.  Starve,” in my brain.  I want that control.  I need it.

D and I are exercising.  He’s “training” me...”We’ll get you where you want to be,” he says.  But I doubt it.  He thinks that 100 lbs is not a healthy goal for a 5’2” female.

D is doing this under the assumption that if my self-image becomes more positive then I will be less disordered.  Maybe he’s right.  If I were thin, if I were strong like I used to be, maybe I could be normal again.  Or maybe not.  Food has been in control of my life for so long now that I can’t imagine it not being a factor.  I think I will always be screwed up about food.

D says, “Actually, eating disorders have a fairly high recovery rate.”  I think to myself, “How do you define recovery?”  I don’t say this aloud.  I don’t wish to voice it.  I also don’t wish to discourage his efforts.  After all, if I am going to be fucked up for the rest of my life, I might as well be skinny.

ED is screwing with my career.  Aside from all the obvious ways, it’s extremely detrimental in that it hampers my networking.  “The two things you need to know for a conference,” my grad student mentor advises me, “is one: that people want to meet students.  You’re not bothering them.  And two: never eat alone.”

Later, he invites me out for a drink.  I decline with the excuse that I’m exhausted.  I am pretty tired, despite all the caffeine I’ve had today (coffee and diet sodas).  I’ve been on my feet all day and my caloric intake is below 100—all I’ve allowed myself is a small plain salad at the welcome social.  One piece of broccoli, 5 slices of cucumber, 2 spoonfuls of jalapenos, and one bite of celery (the rest was contaminated with dressing).  It’s been a successful day.  I’m pleased with myself.  The real reason I’m not joining the pub crawl tonight though is not due to the fact that I’m tired.  It’s not due to the fact that I need to get up at 7 tomorrow morning to make the 8 am talk on trout that I want to hear.  Nope.  Those are great reasons, but they’re not why I backed out.  The real reason is that alcohol is calorific.  Beer?  No way.  Mixed drinks?  Just as bad.

Fish people drink like…well, like fish.  Obviously I need to find an acceptable drink in order to make friends in this field.  Tomorrow, I will look up calorie lists.  If I eat nothing else all day, one drink should be okay.  Maybe.

The thing of it is that I am not skinny enough to be disordered.  That’s it.  Plain and simple.

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Also, I am currently obsessed with this video.  Partly for the video and partly for the song.  I can almost remember what it felt like to be so strong.  Almost.

A post from my journal of random thoughts:

C.  She was adorable, head full of curls and even shorter than me.  We were friends, sort of.  We were close enough to hug and talk—she was terrific to talk to—but even in the beginning, before things got weird, she wasn’t dependable.  She was the type of person who makes plans and then cancels at the last minute.  And to begin with, I understood that.  It was her senior year; she was super busy with papers and deadlines and whatnot.  I learned not to expect anything from her.  And then…

She was friends with M and his crowd too; really, she was their friend first and she and I only got close later on. 

I don’t recall exactly when it first happened; it must’ve been early on that final year for her, or maybe even the end of the year before that.  We’d had a party at M’s place.  Everyone was a bit tipsy.  Me less so than the others, probably, though I didn’t realize that at the time.  Anyway.  The deal was that if M and S (both guys) kissed that C and I would kiss.  They did and we did.  Apparently C even felt me up, though I don’t remember that.  I do remember her making out with me later that night though, in M's bed with M watching.

I’m not really the sort of person who can do casual relationships.  I ended up with a huge girl-crush on C.  It didn’t help that M thought it was totally hot to have me kissing another girl and encouraged it.  I was too shy/confused to talk about things with C and she never brought up the subject.  It was kind of an unspoken thing: that if she was drunk and M and I were there, we’d end up making out.

This wasn’t the best thing for my ego.   Or my relationship with M.

C and I became, I thought, pretty close friends.  I opened up to her a little more than I normally would, probably because we were intimate in other ways and I felt I could trust her.  She was instrumental in the break-up of M and me; she encouraged me to be myself, she supported me against the others.  She was angry over the way they treated me, she said.  She confirmed things that I had suspected but had laughed off, believing I was only being hypersensitive.

If she hadn’t been in the restaurant with us, if she hadn’t followed me to the bathroom, if she hadn’t witnessed the panic attack…I never would have stood up for myself enough to leave.  She left with me.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not blaming her for our break-up.  Not at all.  It would have happened anyway, eventually.

But she was there for me then.  She was there for me that summer, when I was picking up the pieces.  We were close, not physically, since that had stopped after M and I broke up, but emotionally.  I cried to her and she vented to me.  And then suddenly, she disappeared.  She celebrated my birthday with me and then I never saw her again.  We haven’t talked in over a year.

Lesson: don’t depend on anyone, because they will let you down.

So TIRED.  Want to sleep and sleep and sleep forever.  Just need to get through this one week.  Everything is due this week.  After this week I can sleep.

I am spending the night in the office tonight.  It's nearly as large as my bedroom anyhow.

I am bored of being sad and angsty and depressing.  So I am going to be HAPPY, DAMMIT.

I am HAPPY that it is Friday and that means I do not have to get up at 6 am to go to the office tomorrow even though I am always the first one there so no one knows when I really get there but I still feel guilty if I am late even though I don't actually have any obligation to be in my office at all.

I am HAPPY that I took an awesome shower with lots of warm water today and it made my sore muscles that should not even be sore in the first place because it is not like I have worked out in ages feel better for a little bit. Also, I am pretty sure I don't need better back or shoulder muscles yet those are the only muscles that are sore. I want a back rub.

I am HAPPY that I have an awesome boyfriend who would totally give me a back rub if he were here and who loves me and tells me I am beautiful.  Except I guess I shouldn't get pleasure out of someone else's obvious mental delusions.  Oh well, I am HAPPY about it anyway.

I am HAPPY that I didn't eat anything today and in fact have only had a mini V8 and some Diet Coke with Lime and a whole lot of water.  Which is not good of me, I know, bad Salix, but at least I did not binge again.  So there, stupid binge-mode.  I beat you for today.

I am HAPPY that I remembered to put pants on before going down the hall to the bathroom.  Especially because I am not currently wearing panties.

I am HAPPY that it is nearly midnight and I am still awake and I am very tired but don't feel like sleeping.  I don't know why I am HAPPY about that.  But at least I don't have to get up tomorrow.  I can stay up as late as I want.

The thing about being ED and anxious is that it leads to some very odd food mixtures.

Right now?  Oatmeal and hot cocoa mix.  Chocolate oatmeal.  Because it was either that or oatmeal with tomato juice.  Those are the only things that I have in my apartment right now and I am afraid to go to the store.  This is ridiculous.

Don't get me wrong; I hate that I'm binging YET AGAIN.  But at this point...well, it's just so bad it's funny.

New therapist says, “You are very good at avoidance, aren’t you?”  New therapist says, “You deserve to feel things.”  New therapist says, “Your feelings are valid.”

She says she feels she is talking to a wall.  She says, “There are glimpses of you sometimes, but Salix [the image I project to everyone] crowds them out.”

She says, “Think about a real flower and a fake flower.  Sure, the fake flower is always the same, but the real flower is so much nicer to see and smell and touch.”  I say, “Yeah, but the real flower dies sooner.”  Then I laugh and apologize for ruining her metaphor.  I tell her I understand what she means.  But I am not a flower and the real me is in fact much worse than the fake me.

She says, “Why do you feel guilty?”  I tell her it is because I am a bad person.  I feel I have to atone for something.  I don’t know what.

She says, “Why are you bad?”  I don’t know.  “Any murders in your past?” No, of course not!  Though my next-door neighbor once let his pet hedgehog starve to death.  I knew he was irresponsible.  You could argue that my ignoring that fact and not checking up on the hedgehog was indirect murder.

She says, “You were just born bad?”  I don’t know.  I think people are born blank slates.  Tabula rasa and all that.  I don’t remember ever not being “bad”.  Of course, I don’t remember much of anything from my childhood.  I have always felt inherently bad.  So maybe, yes, I was born bad.

Feeling better mentally today.  Partly because I haven't eaten anything but a couple sour gummy worms and a diet coke.  Given the amount I ate yesterday that should even out.  I know, I know, I am supposed to be having 3 meals a day.  I just can't eat anything else right now.  My body hates me and my stomach feels like it will throw up if I put anything into it.  And I'm refluxing a little bit.  Plus I'm sore all over and my lower back hurts so much that I can't stand up for more than 15-20 minutes.  I don't know whether that is due to period; usually I get cramps and backaches at the start, not the end of it.  Apparently I'm backwards this time.

I'm being productive.  Sort of.  I'm doing laundry and I did dishes and cleaned up my room a bit.  This morning I spent watching videos on YouTube.  Mostly gymnastics videos.  I miss being a gymnast.  I don't miss all the shit that goes with it--unquestioning obedience, injuries, etc.--but I miss being skinny and healthy.  I miss being strong.  I miss being able to fly.

I made signage for my walls: "You are elite.  Do it.", "No pain, no gain", and "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels".  Though the last one might not be as appropriate.  I think we've gone over this issue already--I don't taste food, especially during a binge.  Whatever.  Maybe it will motivate me anyway.

Next on the list is to work on my presentation, which I have to unveil to the rest of the lab on Tuesday.  Shit.

But at the moment I need to go get my laundry out of the dryer and put it away.  I think I'll put some sexy music on and dance while I do that.  As long as my back lets me, anyhow.

i am broken down, falling apart

all I want is to disappear.  just to not exist anymore.

i am pretty sure this is the closest i have come to suicidal thoughts in a while

don't worry though.  i would never actually kill myself.  i'm too cowardly.

plus i've thought ages and ages on ways to do it but i can't figure out a way that wouldn't hurt someone else

nothing messy because, god, think about whoever found me.  it'd probably scar them for life.  i can't do that to some innocent.  so knives are out, guns are out, overdose is out.  knives wouldn't work anyway; i can't even cut myself properly.  and overdose is not 100% certain to work.  if i kill myself, i want to fucking die.  no attempted suicide for me, thanks.

i think d would be upset if i killed myself.  i'd need to make it look like an accident.  that way no one feels guilty. you're sad for a bit because you feel you should be and then you move on.  that's how life goes.

a car accident would work.  everyone knows i am a terrible driver.  except then i run the risk of hurting others.  so i guess that's out.  i could drive into a tree but then what if i don't die?

drowning's out because i am a great swimmer and everyone knows that.  concrete weights and the lake would work too.  i could just disappear.  probably no one would ever find my body either, so there's that worry gone.  only i guess that would be pretty difficult on d as well.  which would hurt more?  having your girlfriend disappear?  or having your girlfriend die?  i think the uncertainty of the former would make it harder to move on.  not that d would have a problem with that.  he's good at moving on.  still though.  i guess it would be easier for people to have the closure of death.  an obituary in the paper and whatnot.

i could go scuba diving with the wrong mix of air.  but i'd have to get the tank filled and the guys at the dive shop wouldn't be that careless.  i guess i'd just have to stay out too long.  a little more effort, but the same result.  i could tinker with the air gauge to make it look like i had more air; everyone would just assume i'd not realized i was running out.  the only drawback to drowning is that you bloat up and that's gross.  but a wetsuit would make it less so.  i probably wouldn't scar the people who found me.  at least not too bad.  when you're wearing scuba gear you look much less human and more alien.  plus no blood or guts or anything.

i could just fucking starve to death, if my body would let me.  i'm so sick of this.

i'm being stupid and melodramatic and angsty.  sorry guys.  i really shouldn't post this because i shouldn't worry you all and anyway, i'm going to let d read this again eventually, really i am, and i don't want him to see this but i am trying to be honest and honestly i am in a really really bad place right now.

i'm not going to kill myself though.  don't worry about that.  much as i may think about it, i'd never have the guts to do it.  and i don't think i really want to die.  i want things to be easier and my brain thinks that if i weren't around they would be.  really i just want not to exist anymore.

Well, the red tide is finally here.  I'm actually really happy because maybe now I can get myself back in order again.  Please please please.  I'm sick of binges, of feeling helpless and out-of-control.  I'm sick of not being able to do work because all I can think about is body and food.

It will get better eventually.  It must.

I still feel sick and gross.  My stomach hates me and my body hates me and my brain hates me.  There is so much, too much, and I cannot get anything done.  My head is hazy and grey and will not think and if I could think I would be manic I can tell and I WANT that because at least when I am manic I GET SHIT DONE.

I am not sleeping enough and I am eating too much and I cannot focus on anything.  I just want to sleep.  I lay awake last night for two hours trying to force myself to sleep and nothing.  Today I am drinking an energy drink which I never do but I need something something something to keep me moving.  It's not helping much and it made my stomach hurt.  Tonight I will drink two cups of Sleepytime tea and see if that helps.

I don't have much food in my apartment.  Some oatmeal packets, some steamed cauliflower packs, some bread and soy cheese (only to be used for lunches!).  I am still afraid to go to the store.  I cannot eat.  I am too afraid.  I am afraid of eating, afraid of sleeping, afraid of working, afraid of living.  This is stupid.  Three meals a day.  I must do it.  I said I would.  I said, I said, I said.  I said I wouldn't binge either...hahaha.  Right.  Clearly I have no trouble breaking promises to myself.  Can I count my daily pills and multivitamins as breakfast?  They have calories.

I am all over the place today and I don't know what is going on in my head and I don't know what to do.  I have an appointment tomorrow with new therapist and I am oh so tempted to lie and say that everything is going well again but I shouldn't do that because then how will she help?  Only it's not helping anyway; I had three good weeks and then bloody fucking binges and too much food and too much me.  How did I do those three weeks?  I want that again because I was happy and I was not thinking quite so much about food and I could think about other things and I was so productive.

Had my first graduate midterm on Friday.  Think it went well.  We'll see, I suppose, whenever I get the results back.

Today I am wasting time and being not productive.  I feel dizzy and tired and I know it is not from not-eating because I have been eating way too much lately and in fact just ate a coffee mug of dry cereal.  There's not much in the house but going to the store is too scary.  Right now, leaving my room is too scary.  Plus I haven't any clean clothes because I have been putting off laundry for about a week now.  I'll do it tomorrow.

D randomly surprised me with a videogame present, which is really adorable and wonderful of him and it's a great game but...it's addictive as hell.  Hence why I'm not getting any work done.

Maybe I'll take a nap.  I really do feel pretty shit.  Hope I'm not getting sick.

I feel huge and fat and horribly gross.  I think I am also PMS-ing.  Great timing, body.  As if I didn't already feel yucky about myself.  :/

Sorry for being such a downer, guys.  I feel guilty when I post such negative things.  But new therapist pointed out that I don't like to feel emotions (true), especially negative ones (true, but who does like feeling negative?  No one, that's who) and that I have a hard time sharing them with others (very true).  So I think I will make an effort to be more honest and upfront with you.

But later.  Right now I have to get ready to go in to the office because I need to get some work done before my first class.  Thursdays are the rush days because I have class all day and the only time I ever get anything done is if I get to the office before 8 AM.

Edit:  I'm a lazy bunny today so I am just going to respond to comments here.

@Peri:  Working.  Definitely working.  Thanks, lover.  You make me smile.

@Kazehana:  Yummmm that sounds like exactly what I need.  Especially the bubble bath.  (Also, I've never really had any boy talk to me dirty.  I kinda wish D did a little more of that.  He gets embarrassed about it though...which is cute, but less than lustful for me.)

bingey bingey bingey mcbingepants

UGH I HATE MYSELF

You know what sucks?

Being told by your idol that you are not good enough.

I'm such an idiot.

So much to do and not enough time.  I am buried beneath stacks of papers and programming homework and data analysis that I have no idea how to do.  There is so much that I do not know where to start.  I think caffeine consumption must go up.  No more limiting the intake to 1 cup of coffee per day (black).  I had a diet coke at the department shin-dig today and took another one for the office.  I'll try to stick to only 1 coffee a day and no soda...just lots and lots and lots of green and oolong tea.  Something must change.  I am not getting enough done as it is.

I am a bit worried about food--sleep deprivation increases binge-urges.  Oh well, caffeine suppresses them.  Maybe it will balance out?  I must get this stuff done.  There is no other option.  I cannot slack off until this proposal is submitted, until I get published, until I have read all there is to read on my topic and can quote the influential people in my field on a whim.

Yum work.  I love it and I hate it but I love it more.  I just wish I had more than 24 hours in the day.

Food is still going well.  There was a fruit plate at the department thing so I got some tasty fruit.  Not much else was vegan except for the pita chips and hummus and babaganoush.  I got some chips and babaganoush but I couldn't make myself eat them.  They weren't planned.  Of course, neither was the fruit, but fruit is safe.  So looks like I do okay with sudden modifications when they are safe?  Good to know.

Tomorrow I am meeting with two VERY influential people (one in the exact field I am in, one in the other field that I have been in but am not doing current work in now).  Breakfast with one, just an office meeting with the other.  I need to look up the breakfast menu for the cafe we are meeting at.  I hope it is online!  So I will be getting all dressy and pretending to be smart.

Bluh.  Time to do more work.  I need to go to bed earlier tonight so I won't accidentally oversleep tomorrow.  THAT would be an awful first impression.

I didn't.  :)

I went to the store today and was brave.  I bought a new brand of yogurt and a new brand of cereal.  And a microwavable pasta meal (I had a coupon and it was the only one that was veg).  So I had pasta for dinner tonight.  And I am kind of freaking out.  In fact, I am freaking out a lot.

i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge

Pasta is too scary.  I cannot handle it.  No more pasta for a while.

But really, self, you are being nonsensical.  This pasta meal was a single serving.  240 cals.  You ate it slowly.  You did not binge.  You have had 3 meals today and you even ate an apple for a morning snack.  You have had plenty of food so I know you are not having binge-urges because the body is starving.  You are having binge urges because pasta is not a safe food and you are feeling bad for eating it and you are feeling panicky and you want to punish yourself.

It's not going to work.  Stop thinking these irrational thoughts at me.  I am stronger than you are and I say it is ok.  This pasta is ALLOWED.  This meal is NORMAL.  You have not fucked up, you are right on plan.  IT IS OK TO EAT A SINGLE SERVING OF PASTA.  It will not make you instantly fat.

I am going to drink some tea and try to get some work done.

i will not binge i will not binge i will not binge

I WON'T, DAMMIT!

Computer is back, yay!  The idiots wiped my hard drive for a simple hardware problem so I've had to spend all day restructuring it.  But I HAVE COMPUTER AND INTERNET AND I CAN WORK AGAIN so all is well with the world.

Actually, it worked out well that I didn't have my computer while D was here.  He didn't bring his either (OR any schoolwork, which was really surprising as he is a total workaholic).  So we couldn't watch movies or anything together, but I wasn't tempted to work at all while he was here!  Pretty much he is amazing and wonderful and I wish he were still here.  And that is all I shall say about that.

Had another meeting with new therapist and she continues to make good impressions on me.  I feel more comfortable with her than I did with Dr. Therapist.  We are having once weekly meeting for now.  I made her give me homework last time...I told her she was not being pro-active enough (I am an impatient client).  The homework is to stop what I am doing here and there and just figure out how I feel.  Because I have difficulty understanding my own emotions sometimes.  She says she does not like the words "should" and "shouldn't" and that she will not tell me what to do or how to do it.  She says my food plan seems to be working well for me right now, that while it may not be fully sustainable in the long run, it is a good start.  She says I seem to be very adaptable and she thinks that is a strength.

Food is going well, I have to admit.  Actually, I have to brag.  Food has been going awesomely.  I have not binged since...before last time I posted.  Approximately 2.5 weeks.  That is really good for me!  I have eaten 3 meals per day every day.  I'm not hitting 1000 cals every day, but I'm usually closer to it than before (when I was under 300 cals/day).  The cereal is still in the cupboard and it is not stressing me out.

I'm not saying I haven't had bad days.  I have.  I felt stressed and bingey yesterday.  I freaked out once while D was here and almost couldn't eat lunch.  I felt like I ate too much almost every meal that D was here because we went out to eat a lot (and you know how scary restaurants are).  I started binging when I got back from dinner with Uncle J...BUT I STOPPED.  Let me pause so that can impact you.

I STOPPED A BINGE.

That's why I am not counting it as a binge.  I will not count that as a failure because that is a HUGE success.

Anyway.  That's what's been going on here.  Now I need to go do my laundry.

Missed you all, love you all, hope you are being happy and safe.  <3

ok so.

my keyboard is fucked up so no capitalization today.  i am sending it in to get fixed tomorrow which is suck because i need it to work on my proposal and my data analysis.  i guess i am kinda fucked then.  i am gonna use the lab computer so i can do some work on my proposal and at least keep up with my email.  why couldn't this happen last week when i was overloaded with reading?  maybe i'll just find a fuckton more articles to read and not do data analysis at all.  shit.  i am gonna be so behind.  and no skyping with d.  thank god he's coming for a visit this weekend.  good timing, lover.

today is apparently an expletive day.  sorry, guys.  i just feel profane.

so new therapist seems nice.  she's younger than dr. therapist but older than me, which is good because no way in hell am i going to talk to a stranger my own age about my life.  i was pretty honest with her.  that's good, right?  i didn't cry.  i had on "happy salix" persona so i felt kinda like i was faking it.  but i didn't want to cry.  i had to go back to the office afterwards and fuck if they need to know my problems.  so no tears.  sometimes i am not sure when i am lying or not.  is that weird?  especially if i have a persona on...i'm so good at being that person that i can't tell what's going on with me.  but sometimes i can't control when i'm acting either.  like when i am nervous or in a high-stress situation i automatically slip into that mode.  i'm really good at lying to myself.  some of my lies i almost believe are truth.  it gets harder and harder to separate out which is which.  am i happy and awesome and shiny?  can i be the success i tell everyone i am striving for?  or am i this gross monster that eats and starves and cries and panics and can't do a goddamn thing right ever?  really i know i am the second.  but sometimes i almost feel like i could be awesome someday.  maybe.

ahh who am i kidding?  i am a fuck-up.  whatever.

anyway, what else?  food has been good.  intake isn't up to 1000 yet but i'm closer than i was.  haven't binged since last sunday so that's awesome.  having dinner with my uncle tomorrow.  he didn't say where.  keep your fingers crossed for me.  restaurants are too scary for me to handle.  but i'm going to anyway.  and he definitely won't comment on weight...last time i saw him was last thanksgiving (the only time i've gone home in the past 4 years that hasn't triggered a binge) and i was way skinnier then.  i don't put actual weights on here, but i was 22 lbs lighter then.  i hadn't binged in 3 weeks and i wasn't eating much.  maybe 400 cals a day max.  anyway though.  he didn't comment then and he won't comment now...because fuck, who would say "my, you've gained weight, haven't you?"  nobody, that's who!  that's a bitchy comment.  unless maybe the person you are talking to is pregnant.  but even then it's still rude.

and then i am having lunch with h on wednesday (we are planning a weekly lunch date) which is much less stressful because we don't go out; we bring bag lunches.  and i planned a meal already.  brown rice with veggies (yes, from a microwaveable dinner.  rice is not a safe food so i can't keep it in the house).  this is good.  it is healthy and normal, right?  h always brings rice for lunch and then a treat like a fruit strip for dessert.  so i will do the same.  i don't like fruit strips though.  i am gonna bring a jelly straw.  i found a bag of these at the awesome international district in my city and they are vegan!  i don't eat jell-o because it's not veggie, but these are made with seaweed instead of pig hooves.  and they are safe and low-cal and fruity.

and then a teacher from my undergrad days is visiting and we are going out for coffee.  which is fine.  i like coffee.  i drink it black.  the place she suggested says they have an "espresso bar".  what the fuck does that mean?  do you only have espresso drinks?  or do you have regular coffee too?  i checked their site and they list every food item and then you get to drinks and it says "mexican hot chocolate and full espresso bar!"  seriously.  list your goddamn drinks so us crazy neurotics can plan in advance what is safe and will not induce panic.  whatever.  a tall soy cappucino at starbucks is 80 cals and a grande is 130 cals.  so if i have to get an espresso drink i will get a soy capp and guesstimate.  ugh.  i am terrible as fuck at estimating cal counts.

i shouldn't be obsessing over this.  i shouldn't.  the goal is 1000 to 1500 per day.  1500 is a lot of calories.  it's not going to be any higher than that.  one coffee drink is not going to make me gain a million pounds.  it probably wont make me gain anything.  it shouldn't trigger a binge.  coffee's not a trigger for me.  the goal is also to eat three times a day.  so i can't skip a meal to make up for it.  but that's ok.  i will still be ok.  right?  i'll keep telling myself that.

it's hard to get to 1000 cals a day on only safe foods because all my safe foods are pretty low-cal.  like fruits and veggies and stuff.  but i don't think i can handle much else right now.

ooh ooh exciting news though!  i was at the store yesterday (to get some pasta sauce.  i can't keep it in the house because it's not a safe food.  seriously.  not even the bottled kind.  the cheap shit in a can.  garlic and herbs and so tasty that i could eat the whole goddamned thing straight.  with a spoon.  like super thick tomato soup).  where was i?  oh yeah.  i went to the store to get aforementioned pasta sauce and, guys, i bought cereal.  i want to type that in all caps because it's fucking important and notable but my fucking keyboard is shit so i can't.  but oh my god!  cereal is not a safe food.  at all.  in fact, i am almost 100% certain that i have never bought cereal in my life other than the already portioned out little cup cereals.  and i bought it very deliberately (not on a binge impulse) along with some unsweetened vanilla almond milk (yummm).  and i had one serving this morning.  and i was okay!  this is puffed rice cereal (unsweetened and low-cal), which is the closest to safe cereal that you could possibly get, and i feel panicky at the thought of buying any other kind of cereal, but oh my god, you guys.  i have cereal in my pantry right now.  and i am still in control.  ahhh it's so weird.  but good.  i guess.  i almost texted d to tell him that i bought cereal! but then i realized he would not understand this.  so i didn't say anything.

damn this was a long post.  i could keep going but i won't.  plus lack of caps is probably pretty annoying to you patient gals who read through all this shit.

peace out, y'all.  i'll be back whenever my computer is fixed.  (hurry the fuck up with it, hp!  i can't live computer-less for long!)

I have made my first appointment at the Counseling Center in this new school.  Next Monday.  Before they assign you a therapist, you have to do an "intake evaluation".  Which means that I did not have to give any details or explain anything over the phone, but that Monday's appt will probably be awful.  I will not cry in front of them.  I will not.

I am overloaded with work already.  Grad school is intense.  I know I will not be able to handle this if I am binging/starving all the time.  I know I need to regulate this.  I still don't know how.  But I'm working on it.

Here are the goals:
1.  Eat 3 times a day.  At regular scheduled intervals.
2.  Eat 1000-1500 calories per day.  That still seems like a lot.  I know it is not really.  I know that my BMR is around 1400 cals/day and my gw BMR is around 1250 cals/day.  I know that I am active enough to burn off extra calories (even though I have been a lazy butt and haven't been going to the gym).  I know that typical binges are higher than that and so even if I feel that I am eating a lot daily, at least I am not binging.  I just need to keep telling myself this.  I need to make myself believe that this really is an ok amount to eat.
3.  Go to the gym on weekdays.  Cardio on T/Th and strength on MWF.  This is because I like longer cardio workouts and I have early classes on MWF.  And I don't want to wake up at 5 every morning because, as previously mentioned, I am lazy.

And that is it.  Only 3 goals.  I am not making a weight loss goal, even though I hope that I will still be losing weight.  (Mathematically, I will be.  If my body adheres to the laws of physics, I will be.)  I need to keep this simple as possible to make it easier to follow.

Today I was in a rush to get to class so I skipped breakfast (bad Salix!).  But I ate lunch with H which is good because it made me have to eat.  Steamed rice and veggies--I cheated; it was a microwave-able meal--220 calories.  I had an apple too (80 cals) but H finished her lunch before I got to it and I hate eating when other people aren't.  And I didn't want to eat it anyway.  I told myself I would save it for a snack later in the office.  Only then I left a little earlier than planned and so I still didn't eat it.  Haven't had dinner yet; we'll see how that goes.  I'm not going to hit the goal of 1000 cals today though...there is no way my dinner will be 780 cals!  That's ok.  Progress is made through lots of little steps.

So really I guess what I should be aiming for is 500 cals per meal.  I doubt breakfast will ever get that high.  And it still seems like such a lot.  Maybe 200 breakfast, 500 lunch, 300 dinner?  That puts me at 1000.  I should also schedule snacks in there, but that concept is too scary right now.  Maybe later.

My fridge and pantry are stocked with safe, non-bingey foods.  Vegetable soup.  Apples.  Oatmeal.  Carrot sticks.  Broccoli.

I hope I am strong enough to do this.

Still here.  Just lacking words.

Classes start tomorrow.

I got hit on today.  It was weird.

D's so wonderful.

He is arrogant and lovely and I adore him.

Another day, another binge.

It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep.  Fuck me.

I'm just so frustrated.  WHY isn't this working for me?  Those first 2 weeks of September were amazing.  I want that for always.  I was IN CONTROL.  I could eat whatever I wanted because I was in control of the portion size.  And now here I am back where I always end up where I cannot eat a single bite of anything or I end up eating everything.

My new plan is to increase restriction limits.  Goal of 1000 cals per day.  That is ok, right?  That is a low-normal intake.  That is above starvation levels.  It still seems like a huge number to eat without binging.  But it is below my estimated BMR so I would still be losing weight.

I am a biologist.  I ought to know how my body metabolizes, etc.  But for some reason I am irrationally convinced that my body operates outside normal laws of physics.  And sometimes if I eat anything I just know it will magically cause me to gain a million pounds.

Anyway.  That was the plan for yesterday.  FAIL.  And the kicker is that I know the binges cost me way more than 1000 cals.  I know that!  WHY CAN'T I STOP?

Every time I expressed this frustration to Dr. Therapist, she told me that SSRIs had worked for every bulimic patient she had ever seen and just to be patient with the medication.  IT'S NOT FUCKING WORKING.  The first 2 weeks of September were the longest I've gone without a binge since the amazing-ness of last November's 3 weeks.  And I was not medicated for either of those times.  The record with the medication is 9 days over this past summer.

OHGOD I FEEL DISGUSTING.  Ugh!  Those are really REALLY horrible numbers.  I was so happy with the 2 weeks...but put that into perspective over a year?  FUCK.

I can't handle this.  I don't know what to do.

I'm still medicating this next week.  I said I would until the end of September.  If binging continues all this week I might have to stop.  I don't think I can take it.  I definitely can't afford it.

But then what about the anxiety?  I still feel things are not quite okay with the D situation...I can't stress him out any further.  I won't.  But if I stop medicating I am going to tell him.

But then again, I will be able to find a new therapist when school starts.  And I want to try biofeedback therapy so that I will not have to take meds anymore.  Maybe I can hold on until then?

Maybe if I fake normal long enough then I will become it.

Today I went exploring downtown with friend H.

And it was good.

We talked and talked and talked.  I found out that she used to have food issues in high school.  I mentioned that I still have a few food issues (did not clarify and she did not ask).  She is the first person that I have said anything to about it besides D and Dr. Therapist.  Nothing bad happened.  I am still in shock that I said that.

D said he is proud of me.  He wants me to be able to talk about these things.  He thinks it is a step forward.

I still feel like I need to be hiding.  I don't want people watching, seeing, judging.

D wants to read this blog again.  He says, "When you are comfortable with it and not a moment sooner."

I am not comfortable with it.

I feel guilty that D thinks I am making so much progress.  Really I don't think I am.  I'm trying to stop the binging but I'm not doing much about the fasting.  My brain keeps telling me not to eat--get small, get to goal weight, and THEN you can recover.  This is bullshit and I know it.  If I do not eat I will just end up binging.  It has never worked before and it will not work now.

I need to get my act together.  If I want to lose weight, I ought to be eating 3 times a day and restricting calories.  But not under 300 per day like I was doing.  Even though that was ok and working fine.  I know that is under the starvation threshold.  And I do not want to be in starvation mode.  And I do not want to fail in grad school.  And I am afraid I won't be able to handle the work if I don't start eating properly.

But I can't.  I have had 185 calories today (gummy vitamins, shirataki pasta with veggies, oolong tea, a jelly stick, one piece of mochi) and I cannot bring myself to eat anything else.  1000 calories just seems like such a huge number.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Skype last night.

D says, "Do you feel like we are running out of things to say to each other?"

OHGOD.  Seriously?  It hasn't even been a full MONTH of long distance yet!  Only 3 weeks!  And we have done 3 weeks before!

D says to calm down, we are not breaking up.  He says he is just bringing up a worry before it becomes an issue.  He says he is still visiting me in October.  I ask if he thinks we'll make it that far and he looks at me like I am crazy and says yes.

I am still freaking out.

Today I am not eating to make up for the sins of yesterday and the day before.  It won’t help.  Why am I doing this?  Two amazing weeks of heavy restriction and control and it was wonderful.  Why why why always back to this cycle of binge starve binge starve binge?  I should eat 3 small meals today and stick to restriction as I was doing.  But I cannot eat.  I cannot.  Today only black coffee and water.  Maybe then I will be ok.

And now that I have had a day of mortar and pestle in the lab and reading reading reading my lovely textbook with the gorgeous pictures I feel much calmer.  Mortar and pestle work is the best thing for frustration, I think.

But I owe you an explanation.  So here we go.

Reasons why Salix felt/sorta still feels worthless:

1.  The goddamned food thing.

2.  Insecurity about D.  He’s formed a study group for one of his classes and it consists of—what else?—all girls aside from him (the school he’s at is 70% female, so that’s not surprising, but still).  I asked, “Any competition?”  and he told me jealousy doesn’t suit me.  I pushed and he said, “She’s a cute girl, but you know I am seeing someone.  :P”  (there is actually only one eligible girl in the group).  So a good answer, but I have INSECURITY ISSUES THAT KNOW NO BOUNDS.

3.  Uncertainty and fear about the whole damned relationship.

4.  His (perceived) lack of interest.  For instance we are both on skype right now, videocams on, and we are not even talking to each other.  He is reading something and I am writing this.

5.  He sent a paper in for a conference presentation.  They said they wanted to focus only on authors in that particular region…but that they wanted to PUBLISH the paper in their journal instead.  I should be happy for him.  I am happy for him.  But at the same time I am SO JEALOUS.  I worked for a YEAR on my stuff and I have CONCRETE results not just stupid thoughts and it should have been sent out for review AGES ago except my fucking coauthor is SLOW-AS-FUCK and won’t fucking finish looking over it.  I HAVE WORKED SO HARD.  And D just writes an essay off the top of his head and gets it published by fucking accident.

6.  I hate myself for being so jealous.  A GOOD girlfriend would be supportive and understand why he is so excited and not watch and wish that she were in his place.

7.  I don’t even know.  The food thing.  The medication thing.  EVERYTHING.

RAWR JUST FUCK IT ALL.