Day #5 of no binging.
I'm contemplating whether I should show D this blog again. I will if he asks, of course. I already told him that. Right now I'm trying to decide whether I should have him read it even if he doesn't ask.
On the one hand, I've been working through lots of stuff in my head since last time he read it (last Thanksgiving). I'm not generally great at communicating, and I think that letting him read this is helpful--it gives him a bit of a peek into my brain. And lets him see things I might not otherwise think to mention.
On the other hand, I'm not sure I particularly want him to know how neurotic I have been over F. I mean, I've mostly been pretty calm about it and I'm not really feeling that insecure or crazy for the most part...but there have definitely been instances of strong frustration and of course it is those instances that get immortalized here. I don't tend to blog things when I feel neutral about them; what would be the point of that?
I also don't want him to know that I haven't been eating. The past five days have looked like this:
today: cereal, soup, 1 strawberry (total approximately 250-300 cals. I didn't finish the soup, so I don't know precisely how many. Also, the strawberry was almost the size of my fist and it was DELICIOUS.)
yesterday: 6-inch Zombway veggie delight (total 230 cals)
Tuesday: cup of soup (total 60 cals)
Monday: packet of oatmeal (total 100 cals)
Plus however many calories in my daily multivitamin and calcium chewy pills. (15, I think?)
I don't know why I suddenly can't bring myself to eat. Monday and Tuesday I was feeling sick and nauseous, so that is explainable. But freaking out just because I had to eat breakfast AND lunch today is not. Had to have breakfast because I had to go get the updates for my vaccines and had to have lunch because on Thursdays I have lunch with H.
Maybe part of it is because I am perioding with worse cramps than usual. I'm really just not hungry. I start feeling sick when I think about eating. And then I feel good for not eating, and then I feel guilty for feeling good.
But it's so nice to see the scale go down. It's so nice to feel empty.
Not eating makes my self-esteem skyrocket. I don't think that is how it is supposed to work.
I know that I will be eating when D gets here. I'm kind of freaking out at the prospect. D likes restaurants and eating with friends. Unpredictable food stresses me out. And of course he will notice if I am not eating. And I know he won't like it. He won't get angry or anything; he won't force me...but he won't be happy either.
I don't know. Guess I'll deal with it when he gets here. I'll eat and do my best not to freak out then. In the meantime, I have all of tomorrow and Saturday in which I do not have to eat if I do not want to.
And maybe I'll just not let him see this unless he asks.
maybe you should blog more about the complicated emotional relationship between you and food and let him read that?
ReplyDeleteperhaps it's really hard for people to empathize with how much anxiety food causes people with EDs unless they see for themselves the agonizing and obsessing and fretting and distress for themselves.
it won't make sense to him, per se, but maybe it would help him understand how unpredictable food totally fucks up the flow of a whole day, sometimes a whole week.
as far as the F stuff goes, he can't fault you for being wigged out now and then over a new variable in an already complicated equation, eh?
I sympathize greatly with the feeling of not wanting to eat. I'm fighting myself on that front as we speak. *sigh*
p.s.
ReplyDeletethat phenomenon of preferring attractive faces extends to animals as well, but it only has to do with symmetry. which is interesting.
and thank you for the compliment. :)