Didn't cry on the plane.  Watched Harry Potter and teared up when Dobby died.  Watched Tangled and teared up at the end when Flynn is dying and Rapunzel sings the song over him.  It was the "bring back what once was mine" line.  D is not mine anymore.

Cried on the bus ride home.  Texted D to tell him I'd got in safe.  He responded, "Thanks for letting me know.  Have fun at your conference etc".  I deleted the conversation from my phone.  Tried to delete his contact info too.  I don't want the temptation there to call him.  Phone won't let me delete him fully unless we are no longer FB friends.  Oh well.  I know his number anyway.  Deleting it from my phone won't erase my memory.

I know we are not broken up yet, but I am 97% sure that is where this is going.  He told me whatever happens, I am a beautiful, wonderful woman.  He said he wouldn't ask me to wait for him.  This sure sounds like a break-up to me.

Yesterday, before The Talk, we had a glass of wine with two of my old advisors.  One asked D whether he'd be visiting me this summer.  And he said yes.  I'm thinking back, retracing conversations, looking for any signs, any hesitations, anything.  Maybe he was just lying?  Creating a pretty fiction, like I do?

I wish I knew what is going on in his head.  I'm so confused.

I keep crying.  It won't stop.  I got hazy and started to binge but I can't.  I feel sick.

It's not like this is goodbye forever.  It is one week for him to think.  Only until next Wednesday.  Even then, it won't be goodbye forever because we are going to a friend's wedding together at the end of April.

I don't know what to do.

I have no one.  D thinks my support network is growing, since I've told more people about the ED.  But I still have no one to talk to right now.  I've considered everyone I can think of and there is nobody.

I wish D were here to hold me.

I suppose I will spend this week re-learning how to be alone.