It appears I was wrong.  There is no longer a D in my phone.  We're still in a relationship on FB though.  I keep checking just to make sure.  (Which is silly, since I know very well that D would not change that without talking to me first.  He is not that type of person.)

Here are some lists and thoughts and things.  Verbatim from my notebook.  Not very good ones, since it is difficult to make lists during a conference.  Especially when you are paranoid like me and feel like people are constantly reading over your shoulder.  Very especially when some of those people are your labmates.

Thoughts on D issue:

1.  TIMING--WTF??

• visit was mostly great
• he said he felt tension (?) not on other visits (usually dissipates when we are together)--I contradicted--think may be recency bias present
• a couple tense moments revolving around food & F
• good moments far outweighed bad (in my view)

(Aside: in regards to the F issue--it is now essentially a non-issue.  I met her over lunch, we hung out a tiny bit afterwards (without D, since he had a meeting--I walked her to class and OOPS got nervous and babbled too much and accidentally told her that D had mentioned she was cute (and followed that up with, "But you ARE really cute!!").  OHMYGOD I AM SUCH AN IDIOT.  D was not pleased when I confessed later.  He said that he'd sort of expected it though.  Which almost hurts my feelings because it seems a bit of a lack of trust, but I mean it's not like anyone ever expects me to keep my mouth shut and D knows very well that I babble when I'm nervous) and then the night before I left she and D and D2 and I went for dinner and then watched a movie together with a couple other people.  It turns out that F is awesome and we actually have a whole lot in common.  We are FB friends now.  She is skinnier than me, so the disorder is still bit bothered by her.  But mostly?  She feels irrelevant now.  And I am ashamed of how I have been acting.  I have been such a bitch.  But guess what?  TOO LATE, SALIX.  TOO FUCKING LATE.  I've already fucked everything up.  I also acted poorly about her in the car after dinner on the last night, which was STUPID of me, because I wasn't really feeling badly about her.  I was feeling anxious about the radio-silence week and I also felt that D expected it of me.  So I obliged.  I know, I'm such a fucking awful girlfriend.  If I even am a girlfriend anymore.)  

• he'd thought about it ONE NIGHT
• WAY out of character for D.  Normally he thinks extensively about everything and takes a long time to consider his actions.
• so maybe it's just that this is his first stage of thinking and he doesn't want outside influence (i.e., me)
• which means that he's thinking about our relationship
• which brings us back to what is he thinking?  is he deciding whether to break up with me?  whether this is worth it?
• may be a factor of tiredness (he said that himself.  I would not trivialize his thoughts/feelings like that on my own.)
• feels somewhat like he brought it up on a whim
• maybe I am worried over nothing?
• sure as hell didn't sound like nothing (see #2)
• how much of this has to do with concurrent factors?
• he is stressed about many things: bachelor's essay, grad school, summer plans, grad school fucking grad school
• I am also stressful to deal with.
• WHY WHY WHY right before dinner with F and D2?  This timing is SO WEIRD.  Not more than 2 hours before we were chatting with 2 of my advisors and things were fine.  And I know he thought we'd have some time together after the movie.  SO WHY THEN??

2.  In his words:  (to the best of my recollection.  Note that I do not have a fantastic memory, particularly for events that occurred when I was upset.)

• he has become cynical re: relationships whereas he has always said he would rather be a hopeless romantic
• he doesn't like the day-to-day method of living he has been employing
• he doesn't know whether he's mature enough/ready for a real relationship
• he's sorry for dragging me into this
• he's still dealing with the effects of his dad's adultery
• no matter what happens, I am a beautiful, wonderful woman, a critical piece of his life
• he won't ask me to wait for him
• a week may not be enough time to figure everything out, but it will be enough time to figure out where to begin to start (I asked about this)
• grad school = new stage in life = reinvention into the person he wants to be
• his inability to make promises is unfair to me and he can see how it's hurting me (note that while his lack of commitment feeds into my insecurity, I have never asked for promises.  I will not ask him to make a promise that he can't keep.  I do not make promises either.  I pointed this out, and he said, "But you have.  You promised me that you'd stay with me unless something really drastic happened."  And yes, I guess I did say that.  But that's not really much of a promise.  That is essentially saying "I'll stay with you until I don't."  I mean, if he cheated on me, for example, I would not stay.  If I fell out of love, I would not stay.  Anyway.  That's probably largely irrelevant to the discussion at hand)
• he loves me
• this is not something that anyone can do but him (this was in response to my "I wish I could help you")
• he doesn't know whether it's just because he was tired (he lay awake for 2-3 hours the night before thinking about things because he couldn't fall asleep)
• he just felt something was "wrong"
• he said that I was taking this gracefully
• he seemed so grateful when I said I understood.  he held me so tightly.
• said we weren't breaking up (note that as far as I understand, he only meant this for that moment.  this was not a guarantee that we wouldn't break up after the week was over.  I was too scared of the answer to ask for clarification).  I said that it felt bad, that it felt like we were.  He said, "I don't know how I can hold you any tighter!"  We were cuddled on the couch and he'd wrapped his arms and legs around me from behind and snuggled his head on my neck.
• little things that shouldn't (? his words) bother him are bothering him
• he said that I needed to remember conference stuff and things that happened that week to tell him later (which sort of implies that there will be a later.  Or is that just my wishful thinking?)

3.  Tracing events backwards by day

• Monday: 
• We got up early because he has a morning class.  I walked him to class, then went to visit old profs.  Met him after class and we went back to his house for an hour so that he could do some work.  Went to lunch together with friend S (D2 was supposed to come too.  He ended up being busy, which I didn't find out until later when I checked FB and he had responded to my message).  D was super affectionate.  Hugs and snuggles and cutesy couple stuff.  S awwwed at us.  After lunch, D went back to his place to work and I went to meet up with friend H.  Hung out with her for a bit, then went to have a glass of wine with advisors.  D came too, once he got out of class (I was surprised that he did.  He'd said that maybe he would, but in that tone of voice that usually means no).  Nice chat, in which D did say that he would be visiting me at some point in the summer (though what else could he say in that context, really?).  Then we went back to his house and hung out for a little bit.  He worked, I messed about on my computer.  I nagged a tiny bit that he should come hang out with me.  Only then he did, and then we had The Talk (TM).  I cried.  We invited people to come get dinner with us.  We were downstairs with other people in the house.  D was still being affectionate.  D2 was first to arrive.  Then F.  F texted ahead to ask if D had band-aids at his house.  Turns out she had stubbed her toe and it was bleeding.  D took her upstairs to fix her up (and my stupid brain flashes to all the times he has fixed up my injuries because I am also a klutz.  Stupid brain sends me an image of D kneeling in front of F, bandaging her foot, the way he's done for me before.  I hate stupid brain). I am hit with a sudden wave of anxiety and quietly go have a mini panic attack in the kitchen.  Luckily no one notices.  I am generally very good at hiding things, from everyone except D.  But D doesn't notice either, or perhaps he just puts my red eyes and anxiety down to the talk earlier.  We go to dinner.  D sits next to me but does not touch (granted, we are at table not booth).  I discover that F and I have very similar tastes in humor and literature.  I cannot hate this girl.  I feel like we could be really good friends (though this is not likely, given that I do not live in that city anymore and thus will never have the chance for bonding activities with her.  Also, the whole D thing stresses it a bit.  Though admittedly not that much anymore).  After dinner, we go back to D's to watch a movie.  D sits next to me on the couch, keeps his arm around me.  I appreciate this.  It's midnight-thirty when movie finishes.  D2 left early.  D and I drive F home.  I'm bitchy after we drop her off--I tell D that he interacts with F differently than from everyone else and that he flirts with her more (D flirts without realizing he's doing it.  I noticed it a bit more with F, but then again, I was probably more sensitive to it too.  So I don't know whether it really was a valid observation).  I also say that I changed my mind and she is prettier than me.  Secretly I only say these things because I want D to contradict me, but he doesn't.  I can tell it annoys him.  I have no good reasons for saying this shit.  F's presence really didn't bother me much.  D put his arms around me in front of her, etc.  I'm only saying these things because I am stressed about food (I ate a lot at lunch and dinner; I'd also eaten breakfast that day) and The Talk (TM) and because I feel D expects it of me.  Terrible reasons, I know.  When we get home, I'm exhausted and I have to get up to catch my flight in 3 hours.  I'm also being melodramatically sad.  D hugs me and holds me and tells me he loves me.  I don't/can't say it back.  It hurts and I am afraid.
• Sunday:
• We'd gotten back late from the conference the night before, so D has left me his car keys so that he can sleep in (until 2 or 3, he says) and I won't be constrained to stay at his house.  Our friend who is in town for the weekend might call for lunch, so I agree not to leave until after 12, just in case.  She doesn't call, so at 12:30 I decide to go have lunch and stop by the beach with the other friend I was supposed to see.  This will, I reason, give me more time later with D.  And we've planned to have a mushy just-us evening (very laid-back.  He's going to cook dinner and we'll watch a movie together).  I text friend H and she doesn't respond immediately, but I figure I'll go ahead and drive downtown to her place to pick her up.  I leave a note under D's door saying I'll be at the beach.  I let D's mom know that A didn't call and that I'm taking D's car.  "You're going to get lunch?" she asks.  She came to ask me earlier if I wanted some breakfast and I told her I was waiting for A to call and that D and A and I were going to get lunch.  So I'm already feeling a bit defensive about food.  I tell her yes.  Later I find out that she thought I had meant I was going to get lunch with A.  Ooops.  I feel guilty for lying, even though I didn't lie.  Anyway, so I get halfway downtown and H calls.  She's sick and has schoolwork and wants to know if we can meet tomorrow instead.  I say sure.  My choices at this point: turn around and go back to D's or go to the beach alone.  I choose to go to the beach because that was one of the two things I really wanted out of this visit (the other being the mushy date with D) and I'm not sure I'll get another chance.  Plus, it's only almost 1 pm and I'll probably still get back before D gets up.  Only then I get to the beach and D calls right as I'm getting out of the car.  He asks if I want to get lunch with him and his mom.  There's some confusion about A.  I spend about 10 minutes on the beach and then head back.  (I didn't think any of that upset him at the time; was I wrong?  Did I do something bad?)  We go for Indian food.  It's pretty good.  I feel like I eat a lot.  D and I go downtown to his apartment so that he can get some schoolwork done.  It's sunny and warm out, so I take my book and go relax behind the library (D doesn't work well with distractions; he's got ADHD so I couldn't really stay in his room while he was working).  Hot boy M comes by and hangs out for a tiny bit on his study break (note that I DID NOT ASK him to do this.  It was merely coincidental, as far as I know).  Eventually it gets cloudy and breezy so I go back to D's.  He's still working and I hang out downstairs with the others, watching anime.  Later I go upstairs and cuddle up on his couch and nap for a tiny bit.  I'm tired.  We go to the store and get some dinner ingredients.  He makes spicy stir-fry (with habanero peppers!  I ate a half of one; it was delicious.  My mouth burned for ages).  I eat a lot.  All my portion and then the mushrooms and some rice off his plate after he's finished.  (Disorder goes PIG.  YOU ATE TOO MUCH.  HE WAS DISGUSTED WITH YOU.  NO WONDER HE NEEDS TO REEVALUATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP.  Yes, I know that is totally irrational.  I am aware.)  We watch GATTACA together and eat Twizzlers.  (Yes, both of us.  I eat one for every one of his.  I'm trying to pretend to be normal.)  We're both tired and go to bed pretty much as soon as movie is over.  I don't know it at the time, of course, but it is at this point that D cannot fall asleep and thinks a lot.  This is when The Talk (TM) idea came into being.

Shifting perspective slightly: a list of consequences of a break-up with D.

Potential Effects:

1.  Financial

• obvious benefit (no more spending money on plane tickets)

2.  Career

• uncertainty eliminated re: PhD path
• even if I do not really want to stay here for the PhD after I get my MS, I have no reason not to do so.  D was justification that I could have used if I chose not to stay; without that, I have no excuse/explanation not to continue.
• note that this might be interpreted as a good thing or a bad thing.  It takes away uncertainty (which is good), but it also takes away my choice (which is bad).

3.  Support System

• severe reduction in support
• I have intentionally reduced my direct dependence on D lately (trying to deal with issues more on my own, A) because I think that is something I need to learn to do more effectively and B) because I don't want to put excess strain on a relationship), but he remains a huge factor indirectly.  Just knowing that he is there if I need him is important in my coping abilities.
• others do not provide me this level of support.  I more often play the role of supporter (e.g., to B with his not-gf and work-related issues, to H with her schooling and unhealthy relationship issues).  I do not feel there is anyone else upon whom I can truly depend.

4.  Health

• reduction of motivation to not restrict
• would still have internal motivation not to binge, but I feel good when I restrict.  Often, the only way I manage to make myself eat something is by telling myself that D would want me to or that D would be proud of me.  This doesn't work so well with Therapist because she and I don't often talk about restriction.  I do not think she realizes how little I eat sometimes.  She is more focused on fixing the binging because that is what distresses me.
• high likelihood of increase in anxiety and depression levels
• high likelihood of lowered self-esteem and self-worth
• I am already experiencing this.  Stupid brain goes "Why am I not good enough?  I am never good enough.  D is awesome and so this must be my fault.  What did I do wrong?"

I keep getting my phone out to text D and then remembering, oops, I cannot.  I really wish I knew what is going on.  What is going on?  I am so confused and my head is so fucked up and I don't know what to do.

I talked to B about it.  He'd called and asked what was up with me lately (correct answer: I've been jetlagged and busy with this conference.  incorrect answer: bursting into tears.  Guess which one I gave?) and so the whole story came out.  B was D's friend first, but I know he hasn't got any more clue what's going on in his head than I do.  And I am certainly not going to ask him to find out anything for me; I refuse to put anyone into the middle of this mess.  I regret even mentioning it.  Also, B is many wonderful things, but he is not subtle.  At all.  And so now I worry that he will talk with D, even though I asked him not to, and D will know that I babbled and D will be upset.  He is more private about these things and prefers to deal with them on his own whereas I need to talk things out and won't get to see Therapist until next Wednesday.  Still.  I wish I had been able to control the tears and kept this one to myself and you lovelies.

Salix head = scrambled.

Kazehana gave me a Versatile Blogger award, but this post is already gigantic.  So I shall put my seven random facts into a separate post.