Psychiatric spa days. I like it. I work on me. Sounds good. Self-esteem is getting better, as it usually does when I don't binge and weight drops. (18 days of no binging, btw. Go me!!) I've been making an effort to be nice to myself and to socialize with others. I've been making progress with thesis-work. I've been making future plans that don't include D instead of plans that do. I've been being introspective. These are all good things, I think.
Also, interesting article. EDs and heightened intolerance of uncertainty are linked? No way, really?
Plan: if D and I are through for good, I'm taking him completely out of my life. Which might not be very nice, but it will be better for me. It's not healthy for me to anxiety-attack when he gets online. It's not healthy for me to check his FB and see what he's up to (it's also pointless, since he barely uses FB anyway). It's definitely not healthy for me to read through old email and skype exchanges.
If he's no longer a factor in my life, it means I'll probably stay here and do a PhD (pending funding...). I'll either find a place of my own or move in with FH and his two buddies. They are looking for a housemate for next year. And I really like having my own place since I am a pretty private person, but I think it might be healthier for me to live with others. The theory being that it might help me normalize my eating a bit (though I guess that didn't really happen when I was living with LF last year). Plus they are all guys (and mathematicians), i.e., less nosy about private stuff. And they want to get a kitty too. Also, and importantly, it would almost definitely be cheaper. When FH offered the other day, I told him that I wanted to see how things played out with D before I made any housing decisions. So I've got time to decide what I want.
I came home late this evening and thought to myself, "You know, I don't actually have to eat dinner." But I had some soup anyway, since I said I would. That's good; I can tell therapist tomorrow that I'm doing better in the eating department. Sort of. Pretty new number on the scale this morning. I can't see any difference in the mirror though. From the front today I looked okay. From the side and back...whale.
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| NOM seals. |
He confuses me. A lot.
The wedding happens in 10 days. This weekend I am going to go buy a pretty new dress for the 4-hr car ride and art show afterwards with D (assuming that still happens. I'm making back-up plans just in case it doesn't). For the wedding I am going to wear the same dress that I wore for P&H's wedding because I have only worn it that one time and I want to wear it again. Also, D helped me pick it out and it is his favorite color (forest green).
Also this weekend I am seeing a movie and having coffee with this guy J. I remain unsure whether it is a date or not. I think it is more casual, but I have no idea what his intentions were when he asked me. Boys, how do they work?
And if it is actually a date, should I be feeling guilty? I don't want to lead poor J on, since I am clearly not over D. But D said during the break-up talk that during a break you are supposed to try dating other people. So maybe I should be trying to date? That just doesn't seem fair to anyone. GAH confused. (Also, is D dating other girls? That thought bothers me still, even though I no longer have any right to be jealous.)
Ehhh whatever. I think I will just try to have fun. And maybe practice my self-confidence skills a bit.
I keep writing blog posts in my head during the day and then not having time to actually type them out. It's funny though, doing that helps me organize my thoughts pretty much just as well. So yeah. My brain is a fun place to be.
I have had thoughts and more thoughts about a lot of things in the past couple weeks, mainly revolving around my career path and around D (of course). But now it is late and I am tired, because for some reason my body has decided that a 6 am wake-up and 11 pm bedtime is the way to go. Boat weeks mess with my body's internal alarm clock, apparently.
A song dedicated to D, which would probably piss him off quite a bit. It might be childish of me to do that, but guess what? I can be childish if I damn well please, so there! (Yes, I totally just stuck my tongue out.)
Ex-girlfriend by No Doubt
XD I'm so tempted to do a silent vid now, just to fuck with you :p I won't, sound is AWESOME!!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.collegehumor.com/video/6446891/what-pi-sounds-like
I LOVE the sound of that hat! :D Do you take photos of your projects when you finish them? I'm doing that to chart my progress through learning new skills like ribbing, knitting in the round, seaming etc.
Lol, an electric blanket would be a really bad idea! I can barely haul by sorry ass out of bed on a normal day, the warm cozy nest potential with an electric blanket would make it so much worse D:
Pav=Pavlova. A sugary meringue concoction topped with whipped cream and slicked strawberries, kiwifruit and chocolate chips. Pure delicious evilness. I usually try to eliminate the dangers of having both cake AND pav on hand by dubbing the pav the 'birthday cake' and getting rid of the need for a birthday cake.
0.0 You would do that for little old me? Really? :') I'd swim a murky, weed-bottomed lake if you needed me to. (I can't even drink black coffee, THAT is how terrified I am of being unable to see the bottom)
Yay for you-days and thesis projects and making plans! *Is happy* Also total EPIC WIN going on with that no-bingeing streak! *Joy dance all around your office*
Lol, if you're any kind of whale you're most definitely an Orca! (Which isn't any kind of whale at all) Sleek, deadly, gorgeous and the bane of seals everywhere. When your self confidence needs a bit of a boost, just pretend you're an Orca and whoever is making you feel inferior is a plump little seal pup ;)
Have a good sleep tonight, lovely. Sweet dreams!
<3
It might be healthy to try and take him out of your life entirely. It would be hard, but probably the easiest way to get over him and move on. Kind of like with band-aids--it's much better to just rip them off as fast as you can than to tear them off slowly.
ReplyDeleteTry not to overthink the date/not date with J. Like you said: just go with it and have fun!
I do the same thing, mentally writing blog posts all the time. It really does help with thought-organization. :D
xoxo
You can yank that band-aid off whenever you want! You don't have to wait for him to say it's ok. <3
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mich.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes having access to someone at all creates more weird fixations and isn't worth it at all. I wish to black velvet elvis that a guy I used to have the serious ootz for hadn't given me his iam.bmezine journal log in info. Years after we stopped talking, I still logged in as him to spy on his life. hahahaha I'm an assclown.
And bananas ARE radioactive! so are Brazil nuts! They are used to measure safe levels of human exposure to radioactivity. hahah craziness.
I'm mentally planning a giant picture-laden post for tonight. We'll see if I actually complete and post it. O_o
Yeah, it's a tough situation no matter what way you look at it. Ultimately I guess you just have to figure out the way to do what's best for YOU. There's no way to do that other than trial and error! And just remember--even if you break it off completely, that doesn't mean you absolutely will not ever see/speak to each other again (unless you don't want to of course....).
ReplyDelete